Exit 33: You Take the Exit, He Takes Your Life

All right, there is no way that I, being of sane mind and body, can jump right into a review for Exit 33 without first addressing that DVD cover art. While some may write off such a fine piece of computer created majesty as being cheap and utterly terrible, I personally find it to be infinitely incredible in every way, shape and form. Like, there is nothing that calls to me more than THAT fucking cover art. NOTHING! And look at Kane, all standing there to the side, pipe in hand, daring people to take Exit 33. I think every DVD release and theatrical poster should just have Kane on the side, handlebars all tearing it up, no matter what the film may be. I mean, there'd be a greater chance of me ever seeing a movie staring Ashton Kutcher if I saw "The Hod" straight chillin' in the cut on the side of the poster, just intimidating unsuspecting moviegoers left and right.

Directed by B-Movie auteur, Tommy Brunswick, Exit 33 is, as that cover art would suggest, a low-budget Slasher film staring 'horror legend' Kane Hodder. Instead of focusing solely on the young characters getting stalked and slashed, Exit 33 is mainly told through the eyes of Ike (Hodder), a psychotic gas station owner who gives choice costumers water instead of gasoline, thus causing them to break down and giving Ike the opportunity to bash their heads in with a pipe. Now, Ike is clearly a madman, but as the film's tagline would explain, he does have his reasons for being this way. Without spoiling anything, I'll just say that Ike is haunted by a mysterious one-eyed female spirit. This spirit, along with Ike's carefree son, seems to be the inspiration for who Ike chooses as his victims, all of whom consist of attractive females, naturally.

Luckily for Ike, a group of mostly good looking ladies (and a few dudes. I know, gross) are driving separately to their five-year high school reunion, and the quickest way there is to take EXIT 33! Off Exit 33 lies Ike's Last Chance Gas, which, as one could most probably guess, is a gas station owned by Ike. Ike's Last Chance Gas is best known for Ike's totally human free dear jerky, but it's also known as the perfect place to go if you want to spend some time in Ike's slaughter house getting one of your eyeballs plucked out. And really, what gal doesn't want both of those things?

Exit 33 is a very cheap, direct to DVD Slasher film, and while it's completely cheesy and not at all original, the film is surprisingly much better than one would expect. Now, don't get me wrong, Exit 33 is not a good film, but it is actually decently made considering its budget and the type of movie that it is. It's rough around the edges and there are some crude moments technically, but I expected much worse going into this thing. Also, despite some pretty bad dialogue, the performances are okay enough, with the standout being from the big dawg himself, Kane Hodder. Hodder isn't given much to chew on as far as acting goes, which is too bad as he's surprisingly not too shabby in his ability. Regardless, his presence alone is enough to make him the clear strong point of the film for most fans, myself included.

Unlike many B-Movies these days, Exit 33 doesn't attempt to be more than what it is. The film is certainly bargain bin and hokey, but it doesn't actually try to be either of those things. It never feels as if Brunswick was purposefully making a film that's so bad it's good as much as she was making a film that's as good and fun as can be considering the talent involved. Not that this all results in a masterpiece of modern horror, mind you, but I appreciate the attempt and the final result is more enjoyable than if it were to have been too forced.

So, before I wrap this sucker up, there are a few random observations I made that I feel I should share with you all, but I don't feel like trying to cram them into an awkward paragraph:

• Girl tags a bathroom with a dry erase marker? Is that like the new, super ironic way in which the art of graffiti has gone? 
• Making sex with your underwear on simply doesn't work, unless you are wearing you underwear on your head, that is.
• Wiping your ass with a porn mag might be okay for you, but that shit would ruin my delicate ass worse than a stint in prison.
• Never turn your back on some good jerky.
• Holy ending

It's tough to give Exit 33 a full recommend, as it's not a film that everyone will enjoy. Hardcore Hodder fans should get a kick out of seeing the man behind the mask carry an entire movie on his shoulders, but I don't think your average horror fiend can truly appreciate the type of low rent film that Exit 33 is. On the other hand, if you are a connoisseur of a certain type cinema, the type of cinema that only a few dedicated (and maybe demented) fans can appreciate, then I think you could have a good time with Exit 33. I suppose the best way to summarize this one is, if you can appreciate that DVD cover art up there at the start of this review, then you can certainly appreciate Exit 33. If not, you might want to stick to the highway and take 34.