The Tao of BOLO!

Despite it being mid-August, I've already gotten a strong whiff of the upcoming Fall/Halloween season. Many stores have begun putting out their Fall gear, with some even having much of their Halloween items already on shelves. However, one of the biggest indicators that Halloween is on it's way comes in the form of our good friend Bolo, a gourd plant(s) that I started growing in my backyard about two seasons ago. During the last two Fall seasons, Bolo has given me and my slave woman a bounty of awesome gourds, but as you’ll soon see, this year things are certainly off to a very different start.

Here's a look at Bolo from exactly one year ago:

And below is Bolo right now. Same time of year but easily 80% bigger! I'm like mudda fuggin' Dr. Greenthumb and shit!

Based off past experience, Bolo will only get bigger, and chances are it will completely take over my entire home and eat me alive. And I'm okay with that, so long as it gifts me with many a gourd to decorate my house with this October.

Anyway, for those of you who would like to know more about the history of this beautiful creature (which is likely none of you), then click HERE for a look at Bolo past!

Halloween Happenings: A Picture's Worth a Thousand Screams!

I wanted to share some of the Halloween happenings that I've been getting into so far during this horrific holiday season, and I think this is where being addicted to Instagram is really going to pay off. For as long as I've had an account, I've been using Instagram to take pictures of clouds and flowers (you know, like every other asshole who uses Instagram and thinks they're taking amazing pictures), but it's also sort of an extension of my personality, my interests and my hobbies, all of which directly correlate with CNAMB. For example, like I do with Dumpster Diving for Gold, I share any VHS and DVD finds I make (which I need to do more of around here), and sometimes I'll share a photo from a film I'm watching at the time, things of that nature.

Something else I've been using it for is to take photos of all the Halloween shenanigans I've been getting into for the past month or so. This is where Instagram's tagging feature comes in handy, as it's actually a great way for me to keep track of all the Halloween awesomeness that has polluted my life since the season began. So anyway, I thought it would be fun to share with you some of the best stuff that Halloween has brought my way so far this season, and what better way to do it than with pictures?! Well, probably with a song and dance, but I'm in my underwear right now, and that would be pretty awkward, so I'll stick with pics for time being.

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Here's some cheap Dollar Store crap and a jack-o'-lantern porch light cover from the "Big K."

I picked up this kewl little decoration for only $6 at Horrorhound Weekend in Indianapolis (which was the best time EVER).

As per usual, I've been enjoying my fair share of Sam Adams Octoberfest, but I've also completely fallen in love with Magic Hat's own brand of seasonal beverage, Hex (I might even be having one now…).

I love Cadbury Creme Eggs with a fiery passion, and the discovery that Cadbury now makes "Screme Eggs" basically means I can die now. Well, not before I eat 70 of these things. Tonight. 

It's a fact: I haven't been able to find Monster Cereals in local grocery stores for the past few years, which is enough to create a river of sadness. But this year, Wal-Mart has that shit in stock, and I literally found their Monster Cereal setup just as I was complaining about how no one sells them!

Also, I look like an idiot.

Remember Bolo?! Well, that mo fo is back and WAYYYY bigger than he ever was before. Bolo is jacked up, bro!

And here's just one of Bolo's babies, and one example of the three or four different varieties of gourd that bitch is producing. Sick! 

And now it's my favorite part… decorations! We haven't quite started doing the outside yet (mostly due to rain), but the interior of our home is all ready to 'shock' and roll!

Some of the stuff on this coffee table has changed around a bit, but I'm too lazy to take another picture!

This handy bastard seems to find a new home every year, and each new home is a cause for a good chuckle, me thinks!

And what it all comes down to is this: the cream of the crop, the pièce de résistance, the mother trucking highlight of this whole show! After my life partner came up with the idea of putting the rave to the gravestone on top of the fireplace, it set off a chain of events that led to what I think is without a doubt our coolest looking Halloween fireplace set-up yet! Looking at it really tickles my tender vittles, and I hope you dig it, too!

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That's enough of this nonsense for this evening, but I do hope this was a somewhat enjoyable journey, and I'm sure I will do at least one more post like this as the season moves forward. There's still the outside of our house that we need to decorate (which we have epic plans for), and I'm sure there will be other cool shit that pops up that I will want to share with you! Kay, buh-bye!

Bolo Ain't So Yeung Anymore

It's been nearly a month now since I first introduced the world to the creature growing in my backyard that doubles as both beauty AND the beast. Within that short amount of time, Bolo has made incredible strides, growing so massive and powerful that even Bud Selig couldn't ignore it. Well, he probably would anyway, but I digress. It has been long enough, with more than enough results, to follow-up with the epic monster that adorns my back yard. That sounds so brutal.

On with it, damn it!

Okay, first things first, here is a photo from the introductory post where I unleashed this bad boy unto you last month. Just to give you something to compare it to.

As you can see, Bolo has grown more than a 12 year old boy looking through those boxes in the attic labeled "Dad's Stuff." Bolo is officially out of control, growing so long that he now has his own transportation system, complete with trains and homeless people. It's incredible.

All that growth and shit is awesome and all, but this thing is here for one reason and one reason only, to suck my…I mean, to produce bad-ass mutant gourds for me to turn into bongs that I can sell to the neighborhood kids. And holy poop has Bolo been barefoot like Contessa since last month. The three gourds pictured above actually started growing shortly after the first post at the beginning of August, and since then, they have just about fully grown. I took a picture of one in my gross looking hand to give you an idea of their size. 

Reminds me of those days spent at Uncle Steve's house

So, these first three came out swinging, however, there were a handful more that started and, unfortunately, didn't make it. You see, I had a small surgery on my arm a few weeks back due to an arm-wrestling injury where I was trying to go over the top, but instead, I ended up on the bottom. Sadly, this surgery kept me from trimming the bushes surrounding Bolo, therefore taking away from the amount of sun he was receiving, causing more than a few Bolo abortions.

A moment of silence…

After realizing that the dead babies were being caused by a lack of sunlight, and me drinking a gallon of schnapps, I called upon Oden and pulled out the strength to trim those wicked bushes, therefore giving Bolo the light that he needs to grow strong again! The results, well, within one day, three new baby Bolos came up (with many more lingering) and all look to be quite healthy in their infant stages as you will see below when you look there.  

See?!

The two on the right look as if they've been pollinated (due to how the flowers look), but I won't be sure until tomorrow. The one on the left is good to go, and it should be noted that the one on the left has a distinct yellowish/orange bottom that doesn't appear on any of the other gourds from the first batch that you saw up above. Also, none of these gourds, thus far, look at all like the one that I stuck in the ground to start all of this, so I am curious as to how these things will all look in the end.

Alright, that's way too long a post about for me to talk about a plant, but I am proud of my baby boy Bolo and hope you all enjoy seeing his progress thus far. I'll do another update sometime next month, depending on progress, of course. Hopefully by that time, you know, in October (!), there will be some serious momentum and possibly even some new decorations from all of this!

Dumpster Diving for Halloween!

It's September 1st, bitches, and you know what that means, right?! No, it's not time for your monthly urine test that you have to do as a part of your probation. Well, it is, but that's not what I'm here for. Of course, I am talking about Halloween, which is now only 59 days away! I certainly have the fever, and I gander that you do too, so I thought it would be fun if I were to do a special Dumpster Diving for Gold showcasing a few of the cool Halloween items I have picked up on the cheap so far this year.

A few days back, the lady that I fast kiss to rock ballads with and myself went on a journey of Halloween proportions. It was still a tad early for any of the seasonal Halloween stores to be open just yet, but there were a few already bringing that straight grimy Halloween funk. After checking out a few places and getting ideas for what decorations we might want to nab this year, we took a walk into Goodwill where they had a surprisingly nice amount of solid decorations on display.   

The first - and maybe the worst - thing that I picked up was this set of light-up hands that unfortunately do not work. As you can see from this gorgeous photograph I have taken, they are meant to appear as it they are rising from the earth, just waiting to wring someone's neck. Instead, they are holding my television for reasons none of us should ever contemplate. Regardless of whether or not they work, together they were only $1.49 for the pair, and they don't look too terrible, so stay they will. Also, the hand holding the remote is from last Halloween, but I loved it so much that it ended up staying there year round. It really comes in handy when dusting my entertainment center. 

Next, I have this awesome .99¢ ghost decoration thing, which, in all honesty, I have no idea what it's actually called. I suppose I could look it up, but me sounding dumb is far more interesting a read, I think. We don't have anything in any of the kitchen windows as far as decorations go, but when I saw this fucker, I saw a future for him in the window above the sink. I remember making shit like this when I was a kid, and after picking this guy up, I kind of want to make my own Halloween whatever these things are called to decorate with.

The last two items I have to share would just so happen to be the best of the best of the bunch, and that would be both the skull and the jack-o-lantern tea light candleholders. First of all, these things are pretty great looking pieces that only make my Halloween horror collection all the doper, but to add to the dopeness of it all, they only cost .99¢ apiece! If I were to take a guess, and I will, I would say that the two of these bought at a regular store would at least cost me a five spot for each one, maybe more, so I think I got me a serious deal here.

Now, both look great and all, but to really see them is to see them in their full glory, with lit candles all up in their guts. Which you can see in this not at all dorky video I made below. 

Rad, right?! Also, I want to point out the candle on the right of these two bad boys. It doesn't FALL into the dumpster category, but I must mention how awesome it is. It's made by a Cali company called McCall's Country Canning, and I found it at one of those country stores you see in the mall while shopping for boys.

The store had a handful of incredible Halloween and Autumn scents from McCall's, and each one comes in the most Halloween hard-on inducing jar holder with artwork that nearly caused me to start  breakdancing on the spot. The scent that I picked up is Pumpkin Spice (which will not be lit until the 1st of October!), and let me tell you, the smell is so intense and wonderful, that I will never again bother to smell the roses. It smells like a pumpkin orgy with me right in the middle, covered in pumpkin spunk. Yumm….

Okay, this post is too long, and it's starting to get weird. Have you found any great Halloween decorations for yourself yet? If so, then please share them with me and the rest of us, whoever the rest of us are!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous BOLO!

As I mentioned in my "Halloween is on the way, and I have a wicked boner because of it" post from the first of the month, I referred to a secret Halloween related something or other that I've been working on. Knowing that you have eyes and you can probably already see the photos down below, you more than likely have a good idea about what I've been up to, but elaborate on the details I shall.

In late August of last year, my wife was given a homegrown gourd by one of her work friends who knew of my obsession with all things Halloween and Fall. I wish I had a picture of it to share with you guys, but unfortunately, I don't. Either way, the gourd was very pumpkin like in shape and color, which I loved, and on my fireplace mantle it sat. And sat. And sat, all the way until sometime in April. Now, my knowledge of gourds is minimal at best, but I was flabbergasted by how long the thing stayed before showing even the slightest signs of rot. To me, that was a sign that this gourd was something special.         

In any event, the same friend that had given my friend with benefits the gourd had told her that we could simply toss a gourd in our yard somewhere, and chances are it would grow into magic. Well, being the Fall fiend that I am, I did just that back in April, and there it sat, in perfect shape, for almost two months. I would check on it occasionally to see it still there, straight chillin', fully intact. Then suddenly, from out of nowhere, it was gone! Vanished into thin air, except there was something left behind. A little teeny tiny plant that was clearly not a weed. Within a few weeks the little plant became what I thought was a big plant, which is what you can see here in this first picture that I took on June 28th.

You can see smaller gourd plants all around it!

How fucking cute, right?! Anyway, I have done no more than water it almost everyday, and every time my wife or I looked at the thing, we would be shocked at the rate in which it's growing. In fact, it went from what I thought was a big plant into something that is almost uncontainable, as seen in the next picture, which was taken on August 1st.

THAT'S ONE MONTH!!

Remember, this was a gourd that lasted for an inordinate amount of time (I think) on my mantle, so this rapid rate of growth only points to the fact that the gourd was indeed a mutant. Not only that, but the mutant gourd shall produce other mutant gourds, making me Charles Fucking Xavier. You can't see them in this picture, but there are numerous yellow/orange flowers all over as well as a ton of twisting tendrils ready to produce some serious gourd action (or play The Ruins with my skin). And then there are the stems that are so long and thick, John Holmes would be jealous.

In any event, with a creation such as this, there has to be a name. While names such as Eddy Gourdo, Commissioner Gourdon and Gourdon Ramsay floated through my head, I quickly realized there is only one name that can capture the intense mass and burliness of such a plant, and that name is BOLO! Aptly named after Asian martial arts actor, and buffest mofo around, Bolo Yeung.      

He already kind of looks like a pumpkin, no?

So there you have it, an introduction to Bolo. If things go as planned and Bolo continues to dominate my backyard, I will continue to give you all updates with photos showing his progress. I have high hopes this all will result in a post where I can share with you whatever greatness comes from this freak of nature.

On a related note, Johnny over at Freddy in Space has (beaten me to!) been sharing in the maturation of his very own home grown pumpkin patch, which he has fittingly dubbed "The Evil Pumpkin Patch," as some of the dirt from the set of The Evil Dead was used to plant it. Head over there and check out his progress if you are fiending for more decorative Halloween madness.