Recently, the kind folks over at T-Shirt Bordello were nice enough to send a few gifts my way after reading all about my heroic rescue of two baby jaguars that were trapped in a burning building this past March. If you aren't already aware of T-Shirt Bordello, they specialize in t-shirts for the nerd in all of us. With tees covering subjects ranging from Married With Children to Hellraiser, they carry a cornucopia of pop-culture and genre film apparel to dig into, but that isn't all they have to offer.
Have you been suffering from issues keeping track of where you last placed your keys? Try a Bates Motel key chain, it's mother approved. Got a pack of Parliament ultras and no place to put them out? An Overlook Hotel ashtray is nice this time of the year. Are you a big fan of "the drink?" How 'bout taking a few swigs from a Winchester Tavern pint glass?
Those are just a few small examples of what T-Shirt Bordello has to offer, but the star of the show is, of course, the tees. Here are a few of my personal favorites:
Now, as I said, those are a few of my favorites, but my mostest favorites are the two shirts that they sent to me, which just so happen to be from two films I love:
My thoughts are mad deep, son
Straight throwin' out duck lips Like it's no ones business
That's right, Monster Squad and mother fucking Robocop, mother fucker!
The shirts are of solid quality, and the graphics look great and feel as if they will be able to last through more than a few washes without getting all jacked up. Not that I wash my clothes or anything silly like that; I like to have that natural musk that only can come from being unbathed and coated in funk juice. Can you smell it, baby? Okay, that's kind of gross.
All of the shirts are a reasonable $14.99 (plus shipping), and they update their stock with new designs every week, so you're guaranteed to find something you love there. Unless you don't love cool shit, that is. So there you have it, T-Shirt Bordello. Nice people that sent me some nice things that I feel I can proudly pimp to all of you in complete confidence. However, they need to get rid of that Red Sux shirt with the quickness.
Picking up right where we left off yesterday with Aaron's awesome Rock Opera inspired picks for The Monster Squad, here are my immature choices for your reading pleasure.
Matt's Squad
Sean: Me
Wait, what? What do I mean, me? Well, there are two pretty good reasons for this. First off, Sean was a tough character to recast for some reason. For a second I thought about going with Stephen Dorff, but then I realized that he was too tubby when he was a kid. Though, he is about the right height to play the part now, but whatever, what it really comes down to is Sean is the leader of The Monster Squad, and all I ever wanted (and still want) was to be in and lead The Monster Squad. Simple enough. Plus, Sean was a cool cat and had that rad Stephen King Rules tee-shirt, so if I were to play the role, I would be and have both of those things too.
Patrick: Maria Menounos
Patrick is a boy, I know, but if I'm playing Sean, then my best friend is going to be a girl, not some lame kid wearing Ocean Pacific. Patrick will now be known as Patricia, and my reason for making this best-bud sex-swap is due to the fact that Maria Mentos is wicked hot, and if there were even the slightest chance that we could spend some quality alone time in that sick ass tree house together, without any interruptions form Phoebe the Phoeb, magic could certainly happen between the two of us. Plus, Menudo is a big fan of all Boston sports, something that makes her an easy no-brainer for a best bud.
Horace/Fat Kid: Diane from MTV's Fat Camp
So far I'm doing a terrible job of naming actual actors, and you probably have no clue who the hell Diane from MTV's Fat Camp is, but if you do, then you love this pick! Well, at least I do. Anyways, Horace was always just a poor fat-man's Chunk. Even with one of horror cinema's most recognizable and loved lines of dialogue, Horace is pretty annoying. On the other hand, Diane is also annoying, but she is just as entertaining as she is obnoxious, therefor, she makes the cold cut to play the chunky one. The only issue with this pick, however, is Diane is not allowed in the tree house until she takes a freaking shower.
Rudy: William Smith
Besides Sean, Rudy is the coolest dude in the Squad, and while it was tempting to play duel roles, I figured I should give someone else a chance to play the legendary badass. And what better way than to bring his badassness up to a whole other level by casting the great William Smith. Bodybuilder, military man, stunt man, Marlboro Man and, most importantly, one hell of a tough guy actor. William Smith will bring the Squad a sense of respect that they deserve. Imagine Diane as Fat Kid getting picked on in the school yard for not showering, only to have Smith role up (not peddle up) on his chopper? Kevin's brother would be eating that candy bar alright, but through his ass, not his mouth.
Eugene: David Faustino
Eugene, what a waste of space that kid is. Not cute enough to attract the Phoebe crowd, and not cool enough to smoke butts with Rudy, Eugene is lames McPlains. Now, Eugene was played by one Michael Faustino, who is the brother of my pick, David Faustino, a person that has brought more joy to my life as Bud Bundy than the little Eugene twerp ever could. Also, Bud is only like 19" tall, so he could make for a perfect Eugene. I just hope he brings Kelly up to the club house once in a while.
Phoebe the Phoeb: Keshia Knight Pulliam
It would seem odd picking a black girl to play the role of daughter and sister to a white family, but I think we are all well aware of the rift between Sean's parents. Emily hates that Del is out late working his dangerous job as a cop, leaving her at home to worry about him night after night. Very few people know that this has always been a problem, and on Emily's 32nd birthday, Del was called out from their night on the town to handle a shooting at a near by Dairy Queen, leaving Emily all alone and hammered. Well, alone if you're not counting the shoulder that Emily had to cry on. A shoulder belonging to that of a man named Sapir, who would also later become a cop as well as Del's partner, just so he could stay close to his only child, Phoebe the Phoeb.
Scary German Guy: Christoph Waltz
My pick for Scary German Guy came to me pretty easily. Who in recent memory played a scarier German better than Waltz? What makes this new and improved Scary German Guy a perfect fit is his incredibly outgoing personality, which mixed in with his kick-ass pipe, penchant for cold blooded murder and the fact that he is actually scary, only makes him the perfect fit. Also, the original Scary German Guy was quite fond of delectable desserts as we saw with his quick on the draw production of pie for the Squad. This is something that already comes naturally to the updated SGG with his taste for Strudel with a nice dab of fluffy cream.
Patricia's Sister: Traci Lords
Patricia's sister has to be attractive and Traci Lords has no problem with fitting that bill, but the real reason for my choice is just how ironic it would be. And we all know irony always equals funny, right? Traci Lords as a virgin, I mean, we all know that was only true for a very short amount of time, except, in this new version of The Monster Squad, she actually would be a virgin. How crazy! Now, you might be saying to yourself, if she is a virgin, then that would make a huge impact on the film's ending, right? Nope, because in this version, Patricia's sister is a mute, therefor, she cannot recite the incantations to open the vortex necessary to save the day from the monsters. Bummer.
Count Dracula: Gilbert Gottfried
Most people find Gilbert Gottfried to be annoying, something I can understand, I suppose, but in my narrow minded opinion, I think the man is pure comedy gold. In The Monster Squad, Dracula is the one in charge, the leader, the dude that doesn't play no reindeer games with them punk ass kids (the original punk ass kids, not my new squad, mind you). With Gilbert stepping in, that would add a touch of much needed humor to the character. And he wouldn't even have to try…it would just come naturally. Also, Gottfried is a huge classic horror movie fan and does a spot on (and hysterical) Dracula imitation. He was born for this.
Wolf Man: Fabio
Adding a little sex appeal - outside of the sex appeal that my character brings to the screen, of course - Fabio taking on the role of the Wolf Man works in so many ways. Besides bringing in the middle age female crowd, Fabio could actually play both parts without any make-up whatsoever. As the tortured man, Fabs would simply just wear his hair up in a ponytail. However, when the bad moon rises, that is when his hair is let loose, falling freely all over his body glistening through a suddenly ripped open shirt, leaving him a beast that can only be tamed by women that collect Tupperware.
Frankenstein's Monster: Dikembe Mutombo
This one is pretty easy. I went with a tall dude, but more specifically, I went with a tall dude with a crazy deep and completely frightening voice. No need to doctor his vocals up in post, Dikembe naturally brought that shit like he ate glass covered raisins dipped in razor wire and coated in popcorn kernels.
Gillman: Renée Zellweger
If there's anyone as useless as the Gillman, it's Renée Zellweger. The Gillman served no purpose outside of getting blasted by fat kid in The Monster Squad. It's almost as if you didn't even need him around. Same can be said for Zellweger and her sleep inducing career, an actress that I feel we really don't need around, yet, she's still there with that weird Z'Darish looking face of hers looking back at us. I mean, can she look any more frightening than she has in the last few years? Didn't people try and claim that she was attractive at one point? Those people must have been Gillmen. It's the only explanation.
Mummy: John Waters
He has the stature, the perfect build and just the right amount of decay, but you'll never find my choice for the Mummy hiding in any closet at any point. Instead of bandages, I imagine Waters as the mummy would be covered in tacky ties, wearing a pair of sunglasses and still having that pencil-thin mustache, even with out his upper lip. And of course he would entertain all the other monsters with witty and flamboyant anecdotes about his old trashy Hollywood friends. He could give Dracula a hard time about his drab attire, telling him that he really needs to incorporate some plaid or a little paisley in his wardrobe. It would truly be fabulous.
I'll keep this snappy as to not bore you with details, but what I have here in this post is the formation of thunder and lightning coming together to create a storm of epic proportions. The thunder would come in the form of Aaron from The Death Rattle, and the lightning would of course be me, the guy that writes the kind of crap you're reading right now. More importantly, the storm that has been mustered up by our length and girth coming together (what?) is in the form of WEcast, which is essentially Aaron and I each recasting a specific film however we best see fit. That specific film would happen to be a movie that is held near and dear to horror fans across the universe, a little movie known as, The Monster Squad. Any questions? Well, lets get going then…
We'll start things off with Aaron's picks for his "Rock Opera" version of, The Monster Squad!
Aaron's Squad
Sean: Justin Long
Not a big fan of Justin Long but he doesn't get on my nerves as much as he does other people's. Sometimes he's funny and yes, sometimes he's annoying, but for the most part I don't really mind him. I'd have him play Sean because he strikes me as someone who has nerdy qualities about him but can still be a leader. He wouldn't be the stereotypical strong hero either, but rather one who acts like a total bitch while under pressure and makes mistakes while providing some comic relief without going too overboard.
Patrick: Giuseppe Andrews
I'm a big fan of Giuseppe, but I'd cast him for the simple fact that he really needs to be in more movies and in bigger roles. I had a few people in mind for this role, but when it came down to it, Giuseppe was the guy. His Deputy Winston character from the CABIN FEVER movies is hilarious and I think he'd make the perfect sidekick to Sean in this film. I can see him and Justin Long having good chemistry together. I originally had Giuseppe playing Sean with Harmony Korine playing Patrick, but that would have been way too creepy.
Horace: Andy Milonakis
Not a fan of Andy Milonakis, but I couldn't really think of a lot of overweight actors out there who don't completely get on my nerves. The Jonas dude from SUPERBAD? Ugh. Seth Rogan? No thanks. Plus, Andy Milonakis is like thirty-something years old but looks like he's sixteen, so I think he would be a good fit into the cast of grown men who need to act and somewhat look younger than they really are.
Rudy: Jared Leto
Since my fucked-up version of the MONSTER SQUAD is a Rock Opera, we'd need someone to represent the good guys who can actually sing. It was either Leto or Kevin Bacon, so I obviously went with Leto. In the original, Rudy was the cool older kid who the rest of the characters looked up to, and Leto's a rockstar, so there you go. In this remake, he would be the singer of some shitty cover band and work at Home Depot. Not that there's anything wrong with working at Home Depot, but it would kinda keep his character a little more grounded to reality and not make him some bigshot rock singer (in a shitty cover band), and most importantly give him (and the rest of the guys) access to the material they need to make monster-destroying weapons. Besides, I have to admit that I am a fan of 30 Seconds To Mars, but don't tell anyone. I might lose my street cred.
Phoebe: Alexa Vega
To be honest, I don't know much about Alexa Vega, but I do know that she can sing, which would come in handy as far as creating some musical numbers for the good guys in this trainwreck of a Rock Opera. The only thing I've ever seen her in was REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA, and she did a pretty good job in it despite the movie being kinda stupid and way too overhyped (*cough*Bloody Disguting). She'd basically be the annoying teenage sister of Sean who develops a crush on the hunky Rudy and therefore tags along with the Monster Squad. And instead of Patrick's sister being the so-called virgin, it would be Phoebe. Only to find out that she really isn't a virgin (what a slut), which is where Patrick's sister would come in.
Patrick's Sister: Shannyn Sossamon
For no other reason that I'm head over heels in love with Shannyn Sossamon. As far as her character, she'd still have to be a virgin just like in the original, except she'd REALLY have to be a virgin so that she can come in at the last second and save the day. Now, how could we pull off someone as incredibly sexy as Shannyn being a so-called virgin while having some believability behind it? Simple. We'd just make her a nun. Super religious chick, joined a convent when she was old enough to, and she comes out of the convent to help her brother and his friends battle the evil monsters by reading Van Helsing's diary and using it to defeat Dracula. I can also picture Shannyn in a nun's habit doing the one-handed shotgun pump before blowing one of the monsters away (most likely Gillman). Nuns with shotguns.
Eugene: Kodi Smit-McPhee
The weird kid from THE ROAD and LET ME IN. In this remake, he'd be Sean and Phoebe's little brother so that he's not just some random little kid who hangs out with a bunch of older dudes who more than likely partake in some ganja-smokin'. He'd also be the character who develops a friendship with the Frankenstein Monster as opposed to Phoebe. Instead of Horace being bullied for his weight, it would be Eugene for being a loner and a runt. That's where Rudy would come in, and Eugene would use him to get in with his older brother and friends. Eugene would also be the one who the "good guys" would ultimately have to rescue from the monsters at some point. Can you tell I put way too much thought into this?
Dracula: David Bowie
If you know me well enough, you're probably wondering why I wouldn't have picked Mike Patton to play Dracula since he's my favorite singer. The truth is, I honestly can't see him pulling it off, even in a fake movie that exists only in my head. Anyone who has seen FIRECRACKER knows he's not the best actor in the world. Bowie, on the other hand, isn't just a good actor, but a damn fine singer as well. A favorite of mine. He'd also make an interesting Dracula. In this version, he wouldn't look like your typical Bela Lugosi type of Dracula, though. He'd be a hybrid of the traditional Count Dracula and the Goblin King from LABYRINTH. Instead of a bat, he'd turn into an owl. And he'd do a really sassy musical number.
Wolfman: Glenn Danzig
I think Danzig would make a great Wolfman because he's short (I don't know why, but the image I have in my head of the Wolfman is that of a tiny, but angry, monster), he would probably look pretty cool in the wolf makeup, he would no doubt contribute some great Goth Metal tunes to the soundtrack, and, most importantly, He Is The Wolf. I might be a little biased since the Misfits are one of my favorite bands of all time. I'd just have to hire extra security to make sure none of the North Side Kings were around the set. We don't want any incidents.
Frankenstein Monster: Vortex
Who? No, not Vortex the awesome heavy metal band, but Vortex the former bass player and co-vocalist of the "Black Metal" band Dimmu Borgir. Why, of all people, would I cast some random ex-bass player of a mainstream Black Metal band as the Frankenstein Monster? Well, for one, the dude is almost seven feet tall. And he can actually sing. Plus, he's from Norwegia or Scandinavia or some random European country where a lot of Black Metal bands are from (and no doubt live isolated in the mountains like misanthropes because they're too "Metal" for the rest of society), so he can add a little bit of European flavor to the bad guys.
The Mummy: Snoop Dogg
This was a no-brainer (get it?) because Snoop is super skinny and already has the build of a Mummy. All you gotta do is wrap him up in some bandages. Plus, the Mummy has that distinctive "Mummy walk", so maybe Snoop could just kinda do the pimp limp. He'd be a Hip Hop Mummy. A Mum-mizzle, my nizzle. There would be braids sticking out of the bandages on his head and he'd be constantly be surrounded by clouds of smoke. You'd never see him actually smoke any marijuana, though. That would be the whole inside joke.
Gillman: Michael Phelps
Who better to have play an aquatic humanoid creature than an Olympic gold medalist swimmer? In the original SQUAD, the Gillman didn't really do anything except throw a casket and get shot the fuck up by Horace. In my version, he'd be a lot more aggressive and, with Phelps playing him, he'd have some pretty kick-ass swimming skills. Imagine being in the water and having Michael Phelps in a Gillman costume swimming after you? You'd be fucked.
Scary German Guy: Werner Herzog
Hands down the easiest character to cast. Well, not easy to cast, but easy to come up with a list of choices for. I wish I could share all of the alternate choices I had for actors to play this role, and trust me it was hard to narrow it down to Werner Herzog despite how awesome he would be. In the end, though, I did go with Werner, just because he's actually German (well, "Austrian", but whatever) and he has a great voice. Can you just picture him trying to teach Phoebe to read Van Helsing's diary in German and constantly getting frustrated when she can't get it right? It would be hilarious. And then the ghost of Klaus Kinski would show up at some point and cuss Werner out while choking him.
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Stay tuned for tomorrow will bring us my WEcast picks for, The Monster Squad!
Hey there. I don't believe I've seen you around the club before, now have I? If I had, we would already be friends, cause that's...how I role. Since you haven't been to the hottest club in a three-mile radius of a Circle K, I should give you a tour, along with a history of Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! Christopher Columbus discovered the club in 1492, when he was looking to find a place to kick ass on the dance floor, and pull a couple of broads at the same time. In 1568, Malcolm X decided that the dopest club of all time needed to be brought to a whole new - and dope level...so he invented drum and bass to get the beats a bumpin' and the peoples a jumpin'. In 1752, Joe Namath introduced Ecstasy and the worm to the scene. And finally, in 2009, dj Skele-tone and yours truly opened up a trunk of funk, and continue to bust rhymes and beats, just to loosen them feets. And what better way to keep those feets a movin' then to do so than with Michael Sembello's, Rock Until You Drop?! Hit it, Skele-tone!
We're gonna dance until our hearts stop!! YEAOOOOWA!
Great, Phoebe the phoeb is at the door wanting to get in the club...what does she know about monsters, and hip-hop dancing?
In 1987, Michael Sembello, Dick Rudolph, and Danny Sembello wrote Rock Until You Drop for the greatest kid's horror movie of all time, The Monster Squad. Performed by Michael Sembello, Rock Until You Drop, drops the rock to the point that you just cannot stop. And boy I know I just cannot stop, can you? No video for this one, but who really needs it when you get the best of the best in terms of movie montages! You got poorly cut business cards, Frankenstein in drag, and fat kid being...fat.
Enough of that, I just wanna see that photo of the hot "virgin" neighbor! Someone send her a free pass to the club, or better yet, a free pass to my suite! Then I can show her my Frankenstein’s monster! YAAOWAZAA!! Hopefully she doesn't kick me in the nards!
