Killpoint (1984): The Sound of Violence

The review is in conjunction with the 1984-A-Thon, which is being hosted by Forgotten Films. After you check out this review, I encourage you to keep up with the other contributions throughout the Blogathon over at Forgotten Films.

When a vicious weapons dealer named Nighthawk (Stack Pierce) robs a military weapons cache and begins selling off the high-powered arsenal to various gangs, the police are forced to send in their best man to take care of business: Lt. James Long (Leo Fong). Armed with an unwieldy bowl cut and adorable bangs, Lt. Long must do whatever it takes to get these dangerous weapons off the streets, while also putting a stop to Nighthawk and his boss, a crazed mob leader named Joe Marks (Cameron Mitchell). Oh, and if that wasn’t enough,  Lt. Long also must find the people responsible for raping and murdering his wife only a year before.  

Written and directed by Frank Harris, Killpoint (or Kill Point if you’re a conformist) is far from what one would describe as a “good film.” Killpoint is, however, a film that certainly delivers the goods, and it does so in spades, I might add. Right from the word go, Harris kicks the door open and unloads a barrage of action-packed madness that greatly exceeds the average B-Action picture of the time period, or any period for that matter.

Shortly after Nighthawk (by the way, NIGHTHAWK!) robs the armory, there’s a brilliant scene in which he is instructing a group of armed thugs to go into a restaurant and kill a specific person. However, he also informs the men that they mustn't leave any witnesses, which would seem innocuous in terms of an action film except for the fact that during this set up Harris cuts to various shots from inside the restaurant, where there are numerous innocent people eating. As a result, Harris subjects his audience to an amazing scene where no one person or one thing is safe from the thugs high-powered attack, and this includes, but is not limited to women, children, vases, liquor bottles, wall art, and plants. Nighthawk and his men shoot everything and anything, no questions asked.

“Take THAT, tequila bottle!”

As wildly satisfying as this moment may be, it’s only 5 minutes later when a nearly identical scene occurs, but this time taking place in a grocery store! And please keep in mind that this all happens within the first 15 minutes of the film. We're talking about an incredible amount of people and even more inanimate objects being shot the hell up, and every last minute is an absolute joy to witness.

While there are plenty of bloody and violent action scenes to be had throughout the entire 80 minute runtime, Killpoint has far more to offer than the giggle worthy action it delivers. Throughout Killpoint, one will find Mexican gangbangers, Richard Roundtree, a karate tournament – which may feature the best martial arts in the film, if that should tell you anything – a cheap hillbilly strip club (complete with pool tables and wood paneling), body builders, and Cameron Mitchell.

Oh, and that Cameron Mitchell...

Camera Mitchell is, as one would expect, as bananas as ever. Playing the kind of ridiculous, over-the-top character that only Cameron Mitchell can play, Joe Marks is a mix of flamboyant psychosis rarely witnessed on screen. Often adorned with a scarf tied around his neck and rocking a pair of oversized sunglasses, Marks loves nothing more than flying off the handle without any warning whatsoever. At one point, and during his introduction no less, Marks is watching a news report about the armory heist, when he suddenly pulls out a massive gun and shoots the TV. After that, he simply laughs and starts talking to the little dog sitting on his lap. Oh, did I mention he carries around a little dog? Well, he does, and not only does he have a little dog, he also loves wearing daisies in his hair while getting drunk in a Jacuzzi with said dog. Like I said, bananas.

Cameron Mitchell is far from the only person deserving of a few laughs, as Lt. James Long (Leo Fong) also brings a lot of awful to the table. One of my favorite moments comes during a scene in which Long – who is clearly harboring a lot of issues due to the fact that his wife was raped and murdered – partakes in an epic training montage where he is visibly driven by silent rage. Within this montage, the viewer is privy to a barrage of imagery featuring Lt. Long doing all sorts of weight training, target practice and sparring (which leads to a small cameo by Bill “Superfoot” Wallace) mixed with close-up shots of Lt. Long staring intently into the camera. And when I say close-up shots of Lt. Long staring intently into the camera, I mean the camera is literally right on his face, where all that is seen is his nose and his eyes (which are frighteningly close together) and those adorable bangs.

Despite being narratively inept and poorly made, Killpoint makes it a point to entertain despite its obvious blemishes. In fact, those blemishes only add to the overall value that the film contains as a piece of cinematic history, and while Killpoint will never be remembered as a classic per say, it will be remembered for being one hell of a fun watch. That is, by the five people who’ve actually seen it.

Salute Your Shorts: Liberator (2012)

Once the country’s most beloved superhero, Al Migliocetti aka “Liberator” (Lou Ferrigno) has really hit rock bottom. After being set up by the government for a crime he did not commit -- which resulted in a lengthy prison sentence -- Al is ready to set the record straight and finally get his life back together. As wonderful as this all sounds, Al has one major roadblock in his road to redemption, and that is the very people who set him up to take the fall. This gives Al only one option, and that’s to dust off his old costume and make a return as Liberator!

Directed by Aaron Pope, Liberator is less of a short film and, in true comic book nature, more of a first installment. The film is bookended by comic book panel sequences that help to give some exposition as well as fill in certain aspects that are well out of budgetary reach for such a modest project. Despite being a low-budget affair, however, Liberator is quite ambitious, featuring some moderately admirable special effects.  

There are moments where the filmmaking is a tad amateurish, specifically with some staging. On the other hand, however, there are also a handful of wonderfully crafted action sequences featuring impressive continuous shots and solid editing, which help to create a smooth and comprehensive flow of action that is quite exciting to watch. Some of the performances are awkward at times, and this includes Lou Ferrigno himself. Though, in the case of Ferrigno, his less than perfect performance is balanced out by a genuine level of sympathy and sincerity that the ever massive man brings to the table.

Liberator ends on a To Be Continued… note, which comes just as Al is going back to his Liberator roots to face off against his enemies, leaving the viewer with an exciting cliffhanger and a reason to look forward to a future installment. Regardless of whether or not that ever comes, Liberator works as a fairly entertaining comic book inspired short that is worth twenty minutes of your time, so long as you are a fan of such subject matter. If not, maybe the Don “The Dragon” Wilson cameo will be enough to sell you on the project.

If you’d like to check it out, you can rent or purchase Liberator on Amazon for $2.99.

Finally Made the B-List!

Because you can never get enough me, the great Karl Brezdin of the exceptional B-martial arts film blog Fist of B-List was kind enough to feature Chuck Norris Ate My Baby (aka the blog you are reading right now!) in his latest segment of Fist of Further Reading!

In this earth altering segment, I was challenged to answer five questions that shed some light on my blog as well as my love for B-level martial arts movies. Many of these questions were quite difficult to answer at first, therefore I had to spend a few weeks training among the stone warriors at the Terra-Cotta ruins with my pet hawk to enlighten myself before answering them.

As a result of my intense training, I was able to answer Karl’s questions with the ferocity of a diamond encrusted tiger, so please take a moment to head over to Fist of B-List to read about ME! Furthermore, if you aren’t already reading Fist of B-List, then you’re missing out on one hell of an awesome blog that is solely focused on B-grade martial arts movies. And even if you aren’t a fan of B-grade martial arts cinema, I still think you’ll find some serious enjoyment out of what Karl does, so get to it, brah!

CLICK DA LINK!!

P.S. for Karl: My answer to the mystery box would have been a motorcycle ala Peter O’Brian in The Stabilizer!

Guest Post: Why (Action) Matters

The ever incredible T.L. Bugg of The Lightning Bug’s Lair celebrated his FIVE YEAR (!) blog anniversary in August, and to help him celebrate such an incredible feat, he asked a bunch of awesome peeps (and myself) to take a defensive stance on specific genres of cinema. In what the Bugg has dubbed Why (Genre) Matters, myself and a bunch of passionate writers tackled topics and genres spanning everything from Trash Cinema and Westerns to Hitchcock and Horror Fandom. As for my topic, I got the opportunity to express why Action matters.

Now, while this seems like an easy A for someone who absolutely adores the action genre in ways that few can comprehend, this was sort of a difficult task for me at first. However, I found an angle that I think defends the genre in a way that expresses its depth as well as its importance in cinema. Though it very well could be a bunch of nonsense, but I’ll let you decide that for yourself.

Click here to read my post on Why (Action) Matters!

Also, be sure you take the time to check out all of the Why (Genre) Matters’ posts. There are some seriously wonderful people/writers involved, so I highly encourage you to dig into one of the coolest events the blogosphere has ever seen!

Click here to read all the posts on Why (Genre) Matters!

Before I sign off, I do want to take a moment to thank T.L. Bugg for asking me to take part in such a major event. Over the years I’ve been lucky enough to hang out with Bugg on a number of occasions, and he’s become someone who I consider a true friend. With that said, I want to wish him a happy five year anniversary, and I look forward to what the next five years bring us!

Blackbelt (1992): No Shirt Required

Ex-cop and master of the martial arts Jack Dillon (Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson) is forced out of retirement to help protect a beautiful singer named Shanna (Deirdre Imershein) from a crazed stalker, and master of the martial arts, John Sweet (Mathias Hues). Sweet - who rocks a sweet golden feathered semi-mullet - believes that Shanna is a woman he once had a sexual relationship with... his mother. Sweet isn’t the only one after Shanna, however, as she’s also in some hot water with the local mob because she refuses to renew her music contract, and seeing as her career is about to blow-up, they really want in on the action. That’s a lot of BS to deal with, but we are talking about Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson here, so I think it’s safe to assume that things are well under control.  

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact #1: You’ll never find flowers in a box of flowers. A gun? possibly. A severed human body part? Very likely.

Directed by Charles Philip Moore and Rick Jacobson, Blackbelt starts off with an awesome opening credit sequence that features the names of a number of martial arts actors and each of their individual competitive fighting accomplishments. I have to admit that it’s pretty cool seeing these real life fighters get some recognition for what they have done, something that I believe was important to Wilson. From there the film opens brilliantly with a scene that switches back and forth between Sweet kicking a ton of ass in a hotel room, while in another room, his date is stripping down to her sexy parts in anticipation of Sweet’s return. It’s the kind of imagery that’s pretty much the perfect way to open any movie. Unfortunately for the girl getting nekkid, however, Sweet is more interested in borrowing one of her fingers which he then sticks in a flower box to give to Shanna as a sign of affection. This event is what causes Shanna to, trepidatiously, go to Dillon for help.

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact # 2: If the lead character/hero walks into a bar, there will be an epic one-at-a-time bar fight.

  • B-Action Movie Sub-fun Fact: During a bar fight, no one is safe, especially wooden tables, beer bottles and pool sticks.

Something that immediately stands out about Blackbelt is the incredible fashion. For the most part, Jack Dillon’s style is simple, mostly consisting of a t-shirt tossed to the ground, a pair of jeans and a cowboy style boot. However, there is a moment early on when he’s shown training his martial arts’ students, and he’s just slaying bitches left and right in a black, acid wash denim karate gi top. Let me repeat that: a black, acid wash denim karate gi top. Then there’s the delectable Shanna, a rockin’ babe who can often be seen wearing any number of studded braziers. Though, it should be said that she is also a mid-drift mama of the highest order. And last, but certainly not least, there’s John Sweet, who is simply in a league of his own and must be seen to be believed.  

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact #3: There will be a warehouse shootout on the one day no one decided to come into work.

  • B-Action Movie Sub-fun Fact: Said warehouse will clearly be a leading producer of empty cardboard boxes and blue storage drums.

Blackbelt keeps a decent pace with some moderately fun action moments strewn throughout, but things really pick up in the third act, wherein you have a warehouse shootout, a multiple-baddie dojo fight, a car chase, and, of course, numerous shirtless/jean-clad fight scenes via Jack Dillon. Again, I have to reiterate how that dude simply does not want anything to do with a t-shirt. In fact, during one of the fight sequences, Jack tosses his shirt aside, takes a few dudes out, then instead of putting his shirt back on, simply throws on his brown bomber jacket for that open-chest sexy look.

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact #4: If there is a dojo, there will be a fight in that dojo, and that fight will consist of numerous thugs of various ethnicities, brandishing a slew of weapons and fashion choices.

The film wraps up with the eagerly awaited face off between Dillon and Sweet, and when the two are shown on screen together (with both being so extremely shirtless), it’s insane how massive the 6’5” Hues is in comparison to Wilson, who is no slouch himself at 6’1”. Overall, this end fight is as satisfying as one would hope for from a Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson flick, which is probably the perfect way to describe Blackblet as a whole. It features some highly entertaining, if not overly choreographed action scenes, there’s some questionable acting, namely from ‘The Dragon’, and of course the film features some silly fashion, all elements that one would expect and, more importantly, want from an early 90s B-Action movie starring Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson.

On a side note, can he ever not be referred to as ‘The Dragon’? Go ahead, try to say and/or type his first and last name without it. You will fail.

The Pros of Con Air (1997)

The Simon West directed, Jerry Bruckheimer produced 1997 action masterpiece Con Air is the definition of 90s action excess; an over-the-top, sweat-filled orgy of insane performances, sun-kissed cloudy blue skies, testosterone, and Nic Cage. This is a flick that boils over the brim with random acts of slow motion, excessive explosions and, well, excessive slow motion explosions, all of which are delivered in a fashion that can only be captured in a motion less than normal. Anyway, to celebrate the love I have for Con Air, I have put together this list of a few of my favorite things about the best film to feature Nicolas Cage saving a man from going into diabetic shock.

Cast Away:

For me, and likely most fans of Con Air, the cast is a major part of why the film is such a blast. Con Air features a wild mix of actors that cover a wide range that the craft has to offer, from comedic actors such as Dave Chappelle, whose character of Pinball offers some genuine laughs, to a multitude of tough guy/girl character actors such as M.C. Gainey, Rachel Ticotin and Danny Trejo. There’s also a fun, scene chewing turn from Colm Meaney, who plays an abusive, jerk-off DEA agent.

Of course, the real juice of Con Air comes from the impressive number of (mostly) well respected actors, some of whom have sat comfortably at or near the A-list. You have Ving Rhames and John Malkovich carrying a hefty amount of the bad guy workload, while Steve Buscemi shows up as the Hannibal Lecter inspired character, Garland "The Marietta Mangler" Greene. On the other end of the spectrum there’s John Cusack as U.S. Marshal Vince Larkin, who is a sort of good guy ying to Cameron Poe’s good guy yang. Oh, and speaking of Cameron Poe, he’s played by Nicolas Cage, who’s sort of an important piece in Con Air’s incredible puzzle.

How Do I Ask a Question Without a Question Mark:

Con Air opens AND closes with the touching sounds of Trisha Yearwood’s How Do I Live, a song that is literally the audio essence of Cameron Poe’s emotional state of mind. I mean, if love is in anyone’s heart, it’s in Poe’s, and despite the lack of a question mark, How Do I Live represents Poe’s passion as a husband, a father, and a man who decided that prison’s a good time to grow a mullet.  

I would never normally support a song such as How Do I Live, but how do I deny such a song when it means so much to the film’s lead character. The smile that will grace Poe’s face as he sees the sun of freedom can never be understood by anyone other than Trisha Yearwood. Well, her and LeAnn Rimes. And, well, a bunch of American Idol contestants and number chuckleheads who think they can sing.

John Malkovich Chewing a Hole in the Plane:

John Malkovich as Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom chews scenery like it’s a tough piece of beef jerky, giving a performance that’s about as over-the-top as his insane “ In my club, I will splash the pot whenever the fuck I please” portrayal of Russian mobster Teddy KGB in 1998s Rounders. It’s really incredible, and better yet, some of the dialogue he is given is climbing towards brilliance. No scene is left with out a few teeth marks when Malkovich is done, and that’s saying a lot considering he’s up there with Nic “The Animal” Cage.  

“Oh, nothing makes me sadder than the agent lost his bladder in the airplane!”

Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage. And Nicolas Cage:

Nicolas Cage as Cameron Poe in Con Air is so epic, the only way to encapsulate his wonder is with bullet points:

• His southern accent

 

• His hair
  
  

• His strength and conditioning
  
  

• His hair
  
  

• His origami skillz
  
  

• The many emotions he conveys
  
  
  
  
  

After Nic Cage, there really is no more that one person can say, so I will leave you with this:

 

Haywire (2012): 93 Minutes of Lay and Pray

Steven Soderbergh's Haywire follows a plot so thin that it's almost barely worth mentioning. The nuts and bolts of the story boils down to this: after being betrayed during a mission, a female special ops soldier (played by Gina Carano) is forced to take revenge on the people who set her up. It's the type of plot that would appear to serve one purpose and one purpose only: to play as a vehicle for some action tough guy (or in this case, tough girl) to knock a few blocks off. Meat and potatoes action, and nothing more. Such simplistic cinema needn't rely on any sort of depth, as such films exist simply as mindlessly fun action flicks meant to entertain our primordial instinct to watch people get their heads bashed in.

Instead of delivering an action platter served over a bed of bodies, Soderbergh, unsurprisingly, goes for a more artistic approach. As a result, much of the action you would come to expect from a plotless film built around a rookie actress whose selling point is the fact that she's a successful female MMA fighter is all left by the wayside in an attempt to do something more important. It's an odd choice bringing on a professional fighter in Carano to play a role where her screen presence is dictated more by her acting and charisma rather than her physical abilities. Even stranger is sticking her in the ring with actors who are, for the most part, some of the best working today, while Carano is barely at the "Stone Cold" Steve Austin level. As a result, Carano is completely left out to dry, playing big league ball with little league abilities. 

It's unfortunate, really, because when Carano is given the chance to show off her stuff, she's quite brilliant. Her Mixed Martial Arts style of fighting translates well to screen, and Soderbergh does a fairly decent job of capturing some of these moments. Much like the film's big name actors diminish her acting skills to that of a grade school level church play, Carano makes a handful of those same actors look about as tough as Rudy Ray Moore pitted up against Bruce Lee. I wish I could say it was a fair trade off, but for Carano, it's not. Unfortunately, she had no business playing a role of this stature because she's simply just not qualified, and I think it shows a complete lack of respect for her on Soderbergh's part to put her in a position in which she cannot escape from (and I certainly cannot blame her for taking the role).  

While I take issue with Gina Carano's acting ability and, more so, how she is utilized by her director, that's only the beginning when it comes to the issues that Haywire has as a film. One of the biggest problems that faces Haywire is the fact that there's no real care behind it. The film is essentially a mishmash of underdeveloped characters and a handful of poorly conceived filtered shots that come to be plundered by an obtrusively ill fitting and genuinely confused score that has no place in any film past 2002. Though, it should be said that this is a bigger issue in the first half, as the latter portion of Haywire plays slightly better in terms of a consistent style. Regardless, this only proves to me that Soderbergh has no sense of cohesion, or at least no care to try to put something together with any sort of thought, let alone heart.

Soderbergh's lack of passion is shown in how he pollutes both Haywire (and a number of his other films) with an inordinate amount of useless characters; character who only seem to exist as a reason for him to get one of his many Hollywood friends involved. Not one single character in Haywire has even the slightest ounce of meat to chew on. Each character is one dimensional, uninspiring and flat out boring, and no matter which one of these great actors fills the role, there is nothing to take away from the lot of them. I almost feel as if Soderbergh knows he can get whoever he wants to play whatever role, regardless of how lackluster the character is, so he simply doesn't even bother to put in any effort, and it shows. That, or he's incapable of writing good characters, which isn't hard to believe, either. To put it bluntly, there's no possible way that anyone will ever walk away from a film like Haywire with a single memory of any character or performance, save for Carano's, but that's for the completely wrong reasons.

With the kinds of films that he's been putting out over the past few years, Soderbergh seems to have set his directing sites on literally cranking out easy to digest, artistic laced genre films that significantly suffer from both a lack of competent style and ability as well as lack what makes a genre film fun or enjoyable. Instead of making a basic action flick staring a female MMA fighter, which is what he wrote and cast his lead for, Soderbergh attempted to make a classy, stylish action film. Now, I have no problem with that, so long as the movie is actually solid; however, the end result here is simply not very good, let alone competent or interesting. And no amount of attempt at style, groovy music or fantastic Hollywood actors will ever change that. Some might call Steven Soderbergh a risk taker. I simply call him lazy and boring, much like Haywire.

The Skill of Gymnastics. the Kill of Paracinema!

With October being just around the corner, I've been keeping myself quite busy gearing up for the Fourth Annual Chucktober Festival of Lights, but I've also been keeping my pretty little behind busy doing up a handful of guest posts for other blogs, one of which I'm going to talk about right now! As you can see from the banner above, Back Online. Back On Duty is celebrating one of my favorite genres of cinema with Yeah! Guns 'n Shit! 80s Action Week, and the always chiseled and flexing Eric was sweet enough to ask me to participate. Naturally, I was ecstatic, so I grabbed my button fly jeans, a handful of baby oil and a pair of black snake skin boots and got to writing up a Gymnasty review of the greatest Karate meets Gymnastics movie ever made, EVER!, 1985's Gymkata! So, now I ask you to please, after you're done with this post, head on over to Back Online. Back On Duty to read my review of Gymkata. And while you're there, check out all the other sweat drippin' action goodies that Eric has in store!

While I have your adorable yet slightly melon shaped eyes adorned with the beauty of my words, I'd like to take a moment and step away from the pummel horse to pimp out the latest issue of the greatest genre cinema magazine ever put to magazine, Paracinema! Issue 17 of Paracinema Magazine is STACKED with some seriously awesome articles from people who are equally as awesome as the articles they have written. And, like Gallery Furniture, that's no bull.   

Check out some of what's in store!

“Endemic Madness”: Subversive 1930s Horror Cinema
by Jon Towlson

Of Bonsai and Balance: The Hero’s Journey in The Karate Kid
by Patrick Cooper

You Can Clean Up the Mess, But Don’t Touch My Coffin: The Legacy of Sergio Corbucci’s Django
by Ed Kurtz

Be Kind, No Need to Rewind: The Preservation, Demand and Ubiquity of Shot on VHS Cinema in an Increasingly Digital Landscape
by Justin LaLiberty

I Don’t Want to See What I Hear: Paranoia and Personality Eradication in The Conversation
by Todd Garbarini

Black Cats and Black Gloves: The Influence of the Gothic on Sergio Martino’s Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key
by James Gracey

What did I tell you? STACKED! The Conversation? The Karate Kid? Django? 30's Horror? VHS? Your Vice is a Locked Room?!

If you haven't been reading Paracinema Magazine, then issue 17 is about as good any to start with, and it's only $7!! Head over to Paracinema and pre-order issue 17 right now, unless you want to know how it feels to be sad, because without Paracinema, you are indeed a sad, sad person.

PRE-ORDER HERE!

Valhalla Rising: Losing My Religion

"We raised the cross, now we bring the sword!"

Part 1 Precursor

Often after I watch a film that either interests me or possibly gives me something meaty to chew on in either a positive or negative way, I'll take a peak at what other people across that vast universe known as the internet think. I like to get an idea of what others like or dislike about a film that I myself either like, dislike or am not fully sure about yet. While this is clearly a mistake as IMDB is mostly a cesspool for idiots (only to be outshined by YouTube), I still find myself checking out a few of their user reviews (both positive and negative), which can be a way of getting the average film fan's thoughts, as opposed to the cult/genre geek who may be too well aligned with my wavelength to get a solid differing opinion. 

Part 2 The Issue

This would happen most recently with Nicolas Winding Refn's Valhalla Rising, a film that, for me, cements Refn as one of the most visually present and thought provokingly interesting filmmakers working today. Soon after I finished the film and processed my thoughts for a few moments, I took to the net, did some research (interviews with Refn, etc.), then read a few quick reviews. One of the recurring negative complaints about Valhalla Rising that stuck out like a sore dick was the proclamation that the film is all style and absolutely no substance. 

Now, in my experience with his work (and I have seen most of his films), I find that Refn is a virtual beast when it comes to what he presents on screen. Refn has an ability create astounding visuals; he commands powerful, next level performances from his actors; he captures a Neanderthalian brutality with a ferocity that simply pummels the audience; and most importantly for the sake of this piece, Refn delivers deep subtext in a way that doesn't stick its ass out at the audience.

Part 3 We're On A Mission From God

As for the film's story, Wikipedia describes Valhalla Rising's plot as such: "The film takes place in 1000 AD and follows a Norse warrior named One-Eye and a boy named Are as they travel with a band of Christian Crusaders in pursuit of a Crusade. Instead they find themselves in an unknown and unfamiliar land."

Valhalla Rising is very simplistic as far as the characters' physical journey goes, yet, it is the intricacies of what lie just at the surface that give it incredible depth. You read that description and you know this band of Christian Crusaders are on a Crusade, but it is what they are Crusading for that brings about the film's connotations; the overbearingly high-handed religious connotations that litter the film from front to back. High-handed religious connotations that greatly reflect many of the biggest challenges faced by mankind in the world in which we live today.

Their Crusade is for one thing and one thing only, to go back to Jerusalem and take back their land in the name of God. Their God.

For as long as mankind has dwelled upon this earth, (some) people have, do and will put themselves in positions of power by sending false messages of superiority. They use faith as a way of gaining trust as well as instilling fear in those who are without the ability to think for themselves. Those who are led to believe that if they follow the flock and fight for their God, they will be ensuring themselves a spot in heaven, safe and happy, while all those that dare to follow the wrong beliefs rot in hell. Or worse, a 9-to-5 job without benefits. Yikes.

Part 4 Driven by Fear

These Crusaders are only slightly more naïve than many who comb our Earth in present day and every day between now and the time in which Valhalla Rising is set. Their idealistic beliefs cause them to, deep down, fear those who do not share in their faith, and as the wise old Yoda once said, "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering" In this case, the suffering is meant for those who do not support, who do not follow and who dare to stand opposed to a certain belief.

The symbolism is as simple as the line, "We Raised the cross, now we bring the sword!," when referring to the strange foreign land in which the Crusaders now inhabit and plan to overtake. Filled with unseen, indigenous natives who must be eradicated because they are not them. They are not Christians. They are not Crusaders of God.

And they wipe with leaves. Gross.

The symbolism is as simple as one character holding up two short swords to form the most iconic of Christian symbols: the cross. Using weapons of destruction as a representation of faith; the very same weapons that are also meant to take down those who oppose their ideology. Brandishing these instruments of death in such a way is reflective of the misguidance and lack of understanding that some people have for religion. They also represent the one choice that is given to anyone who comes within their reach. You're either with us, or against us, and if you're against us, well, we brought the sword if that should answer your question. 

Part 5 The Lamb

The vastly more obvious religious undertones come specifically from the character of One-Eye himself (played with a silent brilliance by Mads Mikkelsen of the Pusher films), as he is presented in a Christ-like fashion. However, while his character is used to represent a specific event for a specific religion, he represents sacrifice in a way that is not selfish, a way that is not driven by fear, greed, power, or a specific belief – but driven by faith, period. His sacrifice is propelled by selflessness, which is what many religions can easily preach,  yet, it always seems so difficult for people such as the Crusaders to actually live like those who inspired their beliefs. In fact, they do the exact opposite, and I guess that's just human nature for you.

Part 6 Resolution

I can see not enjoying Valhalla Rising because it's not what you want from a Viking film, but if it were just what you wanted, it would be no different from what has already been done in other Viking movies. If someone were to say to me they do not enjoy Valhalla Rising because it's too slow (and it is very slowly paced), or that they just aren't into any of this underlying, and possibly pretentious to some, subject matter that I have gone over here, then that's certainly fine by me. To each his own, and that is what subjection is all about. On the other hand, to classify Valhalla Rising as having no substance is completely and totally off the mark, as there is much more substance than one can easily see on the surface, if only they bothered to focus on something other than what is directly in front of them.

Hunt to Kill: Vengeance is a Dish Best Served Cold. Stone Cold.

I think it's common knowledge that when taking a look at a film such as Hunt to Kill, staring "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, you have a real good idea of what you're getting into beforehand. Occasionally, the straight-to-DVD video pendulum swings in a direction that can be either better or worse than expected, but more often than not, the film is exactly what you'd expect of it. Which is totally fine, mind you. It's nice to have that low-level action comfort food to fall back on when you just want to sit back and watch something moderately fun and entertaining, while not feeling like you have to be completely dedicated to what's on screen.

Now, I don't really follow wrestling all that much, or at least I haven't in many many years, but I think WWE wrestlers are nothing short of a perfect fit for action films as most come equipped with much of what it takes to be B-level-to-A-list action stars. That thought culminated with becoming completely enamored with Steve Austin while watching the WWE reality completion show, Tough Enough, I knew I had to watch Hunt to Kill the second I saw it was available on Netflix instant.

Directed by Keoni Waxman, Hunt to Kill stars Austin as Jim Rhodes, a U.S. border patrol agent living with his asshole of a daughter, Kim (Marie Avgeropoulos), in the secluded mountains of Canada. I mean, "Montana." Things are going just dandy for Jim and Kim, that is, until Jim gets a phone call from the sheriff, informing  him that he has to pick up Kim from the police station because she was caught shoplifting! Now, outside of Marb reds and fishing worms, what exactly is there to steal in the mountains of Montana? Leaves? Bear skin rugs? Mounted trophies?

Hunt to Kill, Sponsored by Under Armor

While all of this shoplifting nonsense is going down, a group of criminals pull off a major heist, only to have their own boss pull a fast one on them, taking off with all of the earnings. And guess where he heads to? That's right, the mountains of Montana. The gang, in a desperate search to find the stolen money they stole first, head to the police station where they plan to force the sheriff into helping them navigate the dangerous woods so they can find their boss and, in turn, their money. And let's just say, they aren't going to be friendly about it.

The mathematics here are simple…

Jim, making his way to pick up Kim at the jail + Criminals going to said jail to force the sheriff into helping them find their money - A now dead sheriff and a hostage situation involving Kim = Jim begrudgingly helping the gang navigate the woods, while keeping his daughter safe and eventually killing the fuck out of everyone.

As I said, simple.

Hunt to Kill is, as I had expected, an okay little action film. Action wise, it's a tad slow for much of the first hour, but it's never completely boring, and Austin, who is far from the ring, is certainly good enough to carry the film on his massive shoulders, despite a few awkward acting moments. And not that I expected it, but there is nothing all that original about the film, and when I say all that, I mean not at all. It's riddled with clichéd characters and moments that are found in 9,251 other cheap action movies, though, I tend to love that about all cheap action movies. Being able to predict certain moments is a part of their charm. You know the minute you see Gary Daniels in the role as one of the bad guys that there will be a brawl of massive proportions between both him and Austin. It's only a matter of much anticipated time.

Argh, but we were boys in The Expendables, weren't we?!

More often than not, in the final act of most any direct-to-DVD action film, there is this breaking point where the main protagonist/hero is given his shot to take control of the situation using his, or her, own brand of kick-ass justice. This is the heart of any action film such as Hunt to Kill, and thankfully, this is exactly where Hunt to Kill shows up best. Now, this isn't top notch action awesomeness that we're talking about here, but the last 25-minutes of Hunt to Kill is sprinkled with a handful of solid moments that are worthy of a few giggling cheers of joy.

On a technical level, the movie is competently shot for the most part, and the action is displayed well enough, specifically the fight scene between Austin and Daniels which contains a number of edits but still remains coherent and easy to follow. On the other hand, there's some post work that leaves much to be desired with these awkward fade-ins and fade-outs as well as a few fuzzy, slow-motion sepia tone flashbacks that are plugged in at certain moments throughout the film that give it a very cheap feel. In many ways, Hunt to Kill feels like the action equivalent of a Lifetime movie. Like, if Lifetime were to create their own action channel, Hunt to Kill would be one of their premier films. And I would watch the shit out of it every time I strolled by it on cable.    

Oh, and this sly guy shows up for the first four minutes

I have one more thing that I have to yap about before wrapping up this review, and that would be, by far, my favorite moment in Hunt to Kill; my make or break, if you will. However, this is a major *SPOILER!!* for the film's ending. Not that spoilers in a film like this really matter, but I shall warn you regardless.

In the very last scene, after Jim thinks he's beaten the main/lame-o bad guy, Banks (who is played horribly by Gil Bellows, for the record), and reunites with his daughter, Banks suddenly shows up, still alive, and begins taunting Jim, claiming that he can never be killed. It's at this moment that Jim gets on a fucking FOUR-WHEELER!, revs the engine and sneers out this incredible line: "When I hunt…I HUNT TO KILL!," and pops a wheelie as he drives right into Banks, straight running down his ass!

It is fucking awesome. 

6 Reasons to Love Deadly Prey

1. Lock and Load During Downtime, to Save Time

Opening credit sequences are really a great way to give the viewer an idea of what they are in for with the film they are about to watch, as well as a good way to pump them up for what's ahead. In Ted Prior's Deadly Prey, the opening preparation for battle credit sequence does both of these things in a fashion that I cannot fully explain in a way that is justifiable to its awesomeness. It would be like explaining the intricacies of why taking a nice long crap at work is great. It's not easy to fathom, it just is. And on that note, watch the opening credit sequence for yourself and know what it feels like to get paid to crap.

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2. Who Needs Clothes?

AKA

Shorts As Short As Private Parts Will Allow are the Only Shorts I Know

Mike Danton (played by golden god, Ted Prior) is a man of few words, but more importantly, he is a man of few clothes. For 92% of Deadly Prey, Danton wears no more than a pair of jean shorts that are so short, if he were to put on a belt, you would no longer see the shorts, just the belt.

What's great about Danton is the fact that when given the chance to arm up for a serious climactic battle, he puts on pants, yet, he still opts out of a shirt, knowing that the heat of his incredible body will be enough to keep him warm on those damp cold nights out in the woods. In addition, it keeps the homoerotism at a solid 9 on the homoerotic Richter scale. 

He must be a naval officer

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3.  Highlights are Always the Highlight

The lead hero/stud rocking a kick-ass mullet is to be expected from a cheap action film such as Deadly Prey, however, Danton goes one-step further by adding gorgeous blond highlights to his messy, but oh-so adorable, mullet. Now, these are the real deal highlights, not that frosted tips pussy bullshit. Business in the front, beach party in the back with plenty of Sun-In on hand. I know it's the only way I roll.

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4. Hidden Agenda

There are at least 25 different and completely amazing ways in which Mike Danton makes mincemeat outta mark-ass busters by using the natural wooded surroundings as cover, but there is one moment in particular that stands out as the greatest. That moment would be when Danton, who has buried himself under the leaf covered ground, grabs a mercenary by his wrist, growls like an animal about to 'get it in', and stabs the dude in the chest. Sure, my description doesn't sound all that great, but trust me here, this is a moment that will certainly make you hold back a laugh-shit.  

Leaf me alone, already!

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5. Explosive Choppers

The explosions that are to be found in Deadly Prey are truly something to behold. Grenades, in particular, appear to be quite ineffective with the little puff of smoke they let out when they go off (always behind their victims, naturally), regardless, the results are still very deadly for those that are unfortunate enough to have one land three feet behind them.

On the opposite end of the grenades spectrum is the rocket launcher, which when fired at a chopper creates an explosion so massive and powerful that even the great Peter North would be green with envy (or should I say white with envy?). I have brought along with me a series of screen grabs, all of which happen within the span of three sequential frames, to show you just how powerful this rocket launcher is, which is apparently powerful enough to turn day into night. Uh-mazing.

  Game over, man.

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6. The Right to Bear Arms, Then, Beat the Shit Out of the Bear With the Arm You Just Cut Off

From the moment he appears on screen, it is clear that Lt. Thornton (Fritz Matthews) will be the baddie that goes one-on-one in a battle to the death against our lion-esque hero, Mike Danton. The two even have a partial brawl where Thornton beats Danton, and quite effortlessly at that, which only means that when the two face-off in the finale, it's sure to be epic. 

(SPOILERS!!)

However, Deadly Prey doesn't play by the rules and ends in what is possibly one of the most shocking scenes in all of cinematic history with a battle scene that is less like a final brawl to the death and more of a Mortal Kombat finishing move. Mike Danton, after seeing Thornton shoot his wife dead, runs up, machete in hand and pecs glistening in the sun, and chops Thornton's arm off like a knife through butter. Now, while that may come as a bit of a surprise when it initially happens, things only get better from there as Danton not only cuts Thornton's arm off, he then proceeds to take the arm and beat the deadly prey right out of his punk ass. It is IN. CRED. UH. BULL.   

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These are but a few of the many reasons why Deadly Prey is a film to love and behold. To go on with your life and not experience the joy that can be had from seeing a grown man run around in daisy dukes will only lead you to utter sadness. If you want to keep from dying sad and alone, watch Deadly Prey, and all will be right with your life.

An Expendable Director

With the recent reports that Sylvester Stallone does not intend to direct The Expendables 2 and will in fact be shopping for directors to helm the sequel to the 2010 hit film, I simply cannot help but share my opinion. First off, I want to express that I really enjoyed The Expendables for what it was. Seeing that collection of action heroes, both young and old, really got my testosterone all worked up. I totally did like two sit-ups. While it certainly has its detractors, there are many that defend the film, claiming that it delivered no less than people, specifically action fans, should have expected. That may be true as far as the actors, the characters, the dialogue and the ridiculousness of film goes, but the core element of any action film is the action, and that for me is where The Expendables failed.

To be fair, some of the big action set pieces were pretty great, for instance, Sly releasing gasoline from The Expendables plane onto a boat dock of baddies below, only to have Jason Statham, from the nose of that plane, shoot the boat dock with a flair gun, thus causing a massive explosion. That was pretty epic, but with that said, my issues were specifically with (many of) the fight scenes and some of the gun battles. For whatever reason, the almost always awful shaky-cam action style was utilized for The Expendables, and it fails miserably, as it often does. These scenes are grotesquely edited, with no real sense of direction, let alone a sense of fluidity. People like Jason Statham and (especially) Jet Li are very easy to make look great doing what they do, yet their talents were wasted due to incompetent filmmaking.

One scene that specifically comes to mind is the fight between Dolph Lundgren and Jet Li. Jet Li is not known for his height, while Dolph is quite the imposing figure as far as his stature goes. So here you have this great opportunity to use these contrasting physiques for what could have been a visually impressive fight scene. Nevertheless, the scene is so poorly put together that you almost cannot even discern the height difference between the two, let alone there being more than a few seconds allowed to actually see them fight one another. The worst part is, just before they fight, Lundgren's character makes a reference to Li's height telling him to, "bring it, happy feet!" hinting at what could have made for a visually great fight scene, yet, there's nothing but top down shots, poor angles and action that's too frenetic to be able to see, let alone enjoy. 

Some folks point to the shitty action and say that this is what we should have expected from a throwback action film, but those people are way off base in my opinion. The action films from the '80s were very well represented in many ways (in The Expendables), but to claim that the action from the films of that era were inherently crappy, is an incorrect notion. Now, with Stallone being the person that was basically the backbone of The Expendables, I have to shovel some of the blame on him (as well as the praise, to be fair), therefore, having him step away from the directors chair, to me, sounds like the best decision for the sequel. However, who exactly should be the one to step in and helm a sequel to a successful throwback to the '80s action film? Well, there is only one name that I feel would do it best, and that name belongs to Isaac Florentine.

While many were championing The Expendables as an homage, a love letter, a true return to the '80s action film, there was another movie that made its way straight to DVD in 2010, and that movie kicked the shit out of The Expendables in every possible way. That film was Undisputed III: Redemption. With Undisputed III: Redemption (which I admit to having a wicked boner for), Florentine put out a film that is, without trying to be, an '80s action film. Everything is in place, from hokey dialogue and a thin plot, to a budding bromance and a great antihero in Yuri Boyka. Most importantly, Undisputed III has some of the best fight scenes I have seen from a none traditional martial arts film in years. It's an '80s action movie brought to modern times with the use of style, ability and technique, all while being as hard hitting and tough as any film can be. The comparison between both Undisputed III: Redemption and The Expendables is nonexistent, because there are no comparisons as far as what was delivered.

Both films came out in the same year, therefore my comparison of the two, but Florentine has been making a name for himself for quite some time, and I believe he is the guy that could really push The Expendables to the level that it needs to go. Now, I cannot say that the issues with The Expendables is solely attributed to Stallone, as the problems were specifically with the cinematography and, even more so, the editing. In fact, the editing was so horrendous that it carried over into the non-action scenes more than once. If Florentine were to be chosen (not that I actually think he would), it would be great if both cinematographer Ross Clarkson and editor Irit Raz could come along with him as both have worked with Florentine quite a bit and both have a lot of great experience.

There has been a ton of (AWESOME) casting rumors floating around for The Expendables 2; such as, Bolo Yeung, Cynthia Rothrock, Michelle Yeouh, Arnold Schwarzenegger (in a bigger role) and Jean-Claude Van Damme (who's already worked with Florentine), just to name but a few. Now, another rumored actor that stands out in a big way - and would totally make the Florentine pick all the more perfect - is Scott Adkins. Adkins and Florentine have made a number of awesome action films together and, quite frankly, Adkins is a specimen whose skills and presence are matched by very few action "actors" out there. The thought of having Adkins be in The Expendables 2, with Florentine at the helm, is a dream come true.

My intentions of this post was never to roll in the hate wagon for The Expendables (or Stallone, for that matter), because I really did enjoy the film, but its flaws are glaring, and to simply dismiss them by saying "what did you expect" is way off base for those specific problems. What I expected was, at the least, competent action scenes, and if the right director stepped in, The Expendables 2 could be an action masterpiece. Florentine is perfect because he has the experience , the skill and he is not a huge name outside of the world of DTV action market, but the people that know his films, know his skill and that skill is what is necessary to put The Expendables 2 over the top. If you don't believe me, watch this and you'll become a believer soon enough.

Santa With Muscles: It's like Robocop 3….With Muscles

Well before Bill Goldberg stepped foot in a sleigh with 2005's Santa's Slay, it was 1996 that gave us the original buff Santa with the 1996 Hulk Hogan family/action/comedy/drama/tentacle porn vehicle, Santa With Muscles. Directed by John Murlowski (who has directed at least four Christmas films, a movie called Cop Dog and an Amityville sequel), Santa With Muscles has the distinct honor of being in the bottom 100 on IMDB, which calls to me as much as the top 100 films do. And what doesn't speak to me more than a Christmas film from the 90s staring Terry "Hulk" Hogan as a jacked up Santa that's trying to help save an orphanage? How about you add in Clint Howard as a bumbling cop, Garrett Morris as, well, as no one that was really worth the time, sadly, and Ed Begley Jr. as the film's villain, and you have yourself the perfect recipe for a merry good time.

In the first five minutes of Santa With Muscles, things start out with a serious bang as the viewer is introduced to Blake, while engaged in a hand-to-hand battle with a gardener whom he tells "never stop to smell the roses" after kicking his ass. Next, Blake goes on to fight a chef, a chauffeur and then the gardener again, who attacks Blake with a weed whacker that does very little against Blake's serving platter shield. Seriously, I was pumped harder than a Jersey Shore fist as this was going down. As it turns out, this was all just the daily workout regimen of fitness guru, Blake Thorne, a rich kid that became even richer (and greedier) as he grew older and more successful. The only things that matter to Blake are his physique, money, himself and having fun, despite the rules.

It's Blake's reckless/careless attitude that creates a run in with the law, namely Clint Howard, who's character Hinkley proves that competency is not an attribute found in B-Movie police officers. Blake takes refuge in a mall, disguising himself as a mall Santa, but his costume doesn't fool Hinkley and before you can say HO-HO-H…Blake takes a shitter down a trash chute, getting knocked the fuck out in the process. Can you guess what happens next? That's right, Blake has amnesia and it just so happens that there is a down on his luck mall elf named Lenny (Don Stark) that was offered a fifty spot to find Santa before all the kids waiting to see him go into anarchy mode. You see, Lenny is in deep with a bookie, and when he finds an unconscious Blake he sees an opportunity to get to his money by fooling him into believing that he is indeed, Santa Clause. With Muscles. And blond hair. And a golden tan. And  daughter named Brooke.

This newborn Santa discovers his path as he is attempting to play mall Santa, when a group of punks try to steal donation money from a local charity. They are noticed by a young bystander who yells for help, and the golden look of "someone's getting their ass kicked in!" that comes across Blake's face is quite priceless. Needless to say, there is an ass whopping of deserving proportions that pumps up all the bystanders and the children. Santa is a hero. But his heroic efforts are not yet finished as he realizes that the orphanage that the charity was for needed his help. He wasn't sure why he knew this but he did (it was in the script) and with a reluctant Lenny in tow, off he went to save the orphans!  As it surprisingly turns out, the orphanage did need Santa's help as the threat of being shut down by a germaphobic mad scientist named Ebner Frost (Ed Begley, Jr.) was lurking ever so closely.   

Now, mad or not, why would anyone want to shut down an orphanage? I mean, I guess if you really hate Annie you might want to, but otherwise I see no point. Well, that is unless there's a secret cavern underneath said orphanage. A secret cavern containing some incredibly rare and priceless rocks, the kind that sparkle and illuminate but also have the tendency to explode. Thankfully one of the orphans (played by a pre-hot Mila Kunis) learned about them in school and has the perfect memory to be able to tell the adults exactly what they were and what exactly causes them to blow-up. This was actually a place where the kids hung around from time-to-time, and the fact that there was a cavern under the orphanage where the kids would hang out, but the people who took care of those kids never once thought about checking it out, is kind of odd. I mean, those kids are orphans and all, meaning, they could be doing all sorts of bad shit down there - like making meth and babies - and no one would be the wiser. Great job, adults.

So for much of the film it's Blake in a modded Santa suite vs Ebner Frost and his baddies, filled with heart warming interactions with a bunch of kids that are only a little lame. And of course, there is plenty of over-the-top action to be found. I mean, I never thought I would see a cop try and use a bazooka to take down a criminal that would be facing no more than a reckless endangerment charge. In fact, isn't using a bazooka in public considered reckless endangerment? I also never thought I would see Blake Thorne's low-fat brand of salad dressing used as an oil slick to send a police car off its course. The action isn't the only aspect where Santa With Muscles shows up with a sack full of joy. I actually heard one of the orphans use the line: "see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" And of course, everyone laughs and cheers about it. It's amazing. But not as amazing as the moment where the little girl sings actual magic in the church. If I could describe it, I would, but I dare not embarrass myself by trying. Just trust me on this one.

I don't think I've even come close to giving this film its due justice with this review. I only feel as if I barely touched the surface of what makes Santa With Muscles a romp worthy of at least one night of laughter every holiday season, but trust me, this is some cherishable crap. Any film where a bad guy uses an oversized candy cane as a bo staff has a piece of my heart. It's gold. Fucking silver and gold.