Ninjavember: Bionic Ninja (1986)

When the average person thinks of ninja movies, director Godfrey Ho often comes to mind. Actually, scratch that. When cult/genre movie geeks think of ninja movies, director Godfrey Ho often comes to mind. While Ho is a filmmaker who is often associated with the ninja genre, it is very rarely done so in a respectable fashion. In fact, outside of a small handful of movies, much of Ho’s work is what many would consider to be so bad it’s good, and that’s an opinion that falls firmly on the nicer end of the scale. However, it’s that so bad it’s good symmetry that makes Godfrey Ho’s work in the genre so memorable. Whether or not the average moviegoer can appreciate his brand of cinema, this notoriety is a worthy achievement in my eyes.

Outside of being behind many a ninja film during the genre’s heyday in the ‘80s, Ho is also closely associated with a specific brand of cut-and-paste filmmaking, wherein he would take footage from one film and splice it into footage from any number of other movies. In doing so, Ho effectively, or not really effectively, created a brand new movie altogether, ready to be packed up and sold under a veil of facetiousness. This leads us to Bionic Ninja, a 1986 release that pairs up footage from the 1984 Kent Cheng action/comedy, The Daring Kung Fu Refugee, with footage that Ho directed to give it that much needed ninja edge.

It’s the footage that Ho directed that does its best to drive the “storyline,” focusing on a secret agent named Tommy Foster who is sent to Hong Kong to retrieve a, and I quote, “top technical secret film.” And believe you me, there is nothing more frightening than a secret film, especially when it’s of the top technical variety. The top technical secret film was stolen by a group of KGB hired ninjas––because that’s simply how things work in Godfrey Ho’s world––so Tommy is in for the fight of his life if he wants to retrieve the top technical secret film and save the world from KGB/ninja domination. Or something like that.

While this plot sounds fairly easy to follow, making complete logistical sense even, on a whole Bionic Ninja is a jumbled mess of random scenes from a Godfrey Ho directed movie about ninjas mixed with another movie that’s not about ninjas. It only takes me about 5 minutes before I am completely lost in this flick, something that happens with a fair amount of Ho’s movies. I don’t even know why I try to comprehend what is happening on screen, because it only results in a migraine inducing level of thought not worthy of my miniscule brain power.

There are portions of Bionic Ninja where my mind goes numb in a fashion that causes my soul to exit my body, look down on my physical self, and spew judgment at my movie choice for the evening. This is partially due to the complexity of the plot (of which there isn’t any) as much as it has to do with the long scenes of unnecessary dialogue, all of which come from the portions of Bionic Ninja not directed by Ho. The entire thing clearly does not fit together, so anything that isn’t top technical secret film related only works as boring and confusing. With that said, the martial arts in the scenes taken from The Daring Kung Fu Refugee are legitimately good, and exude a level of competence unsuitable to the project as a whole.

But where The Daring Kung Fu Refugee delivers some solid martial arts action, it is the portions of Bionic Ninja that are directed by Godfrey Ho that truly make the film a reasonably entertaining watch. Despite his reputation as a cut-and-paste filmmaker, Ho certainly knows how to deliver the cheesy goods, something that he does in spades with his portion of Bionic Ninja.

This is especially true with Tommy Foster, who can often be seen wearing a yellow tank top with matching yellow sweatpants, complete with dirt stains on his backside. When Tommy’s isn’t busy trying to locate the top technical secret film, he rocks his days away training with the heart and ferocity of a lion. This results in some brilliant scenes of Tommy practicing his tumbling, fine-tuning his swordplay and working on his shuriken throwing skills, all of which are done in a public park. Because that’s completely legal.

Seeing as Bionic Ninja is a ninja film, and a bionic one at that *SPOILER* there are no bionic ninjas *SPOILER END*, the ninjas do play an integral role in the ridiculousness that the film serves up. Here are a few examples of the ninja antics found in Bionic Ninja:

• The KGB hired ninja clan (I could stop there) are led by the always elusive “White Ninja.”
• Ninjas have the ability to realistically jump cut into and out of a scene at any given moment. Ninjas take a cab.
• Ninjas take a cab without their ninja masks on, which I think defeats the purpose of being a ninja.
• Ninjas always move in synchronized motions.
• The final battle consists of the inevitable white ninja VS. red ninja, which is equal parts ridiculous and awesome.

Anyway, I think you smell what my ninja smoke bomb is cooking.

While not coming even close to being a highlight on Godfrey Ho’s filmography, Bionic Ninja is enjoyable enough for those who enjoy the filmmaker’s work. The enjoyment of the movie comes from the hilarity that Ho brought to the table, which makes me wish he had simply made an entire movie full of Tommy/top technical secret film action. If that had been the case, we might have ended up with something closer to the insanely enjoyable Undefeatable, instead of the typical hit or miss patchwork film that Ho is best known for.

This Ninjatastic review is in conjunction with NINJAVEMBER, a special ninja themed blog-a-thon hosted by the menacing yellow ninja, Karl Brezdin. Head over to the deserted island ninja training camp known as Fist of B-List to keep up with all the ninjacentric goodies to come!

Blackbelt (1992): No Shirt Required

Ex-cop and master of the martial arts Jack Dillon (Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson) is forced out of retirement to help protect a beautiful singer named Shanna (Deirdre Imershein) from a crazed stalker, and master of the martial arts, John Sweet (Mathias Hues). Sweet - who rocks a sweet golden feathered semi-mullet - believes that Shanna is a woman he once had a sexual relationship with... his mother. Sweet isn’t the only one after Shanna, however, as she’s also in some hot water with the local mob because she refuses to renew her music contract, and seeing as her career is about to blow-up, they really want in on the action. That’s a lot of BS to deal with, but we are talking about Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson here, so I think it’s safe to assume that things are well under control.  

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact #1: You’ll never find flowers in a box of flowers. A gun? possibly. A severed human body part? Very likely.

Directed by Charles Philip Moore and Rick Jacobson, Blackbelt starts off with an awesome opening credit sequence that features the names of a number of martial arts actors and each of their individual competitive fighting accomplishments. I have to admit that it’s pretty cool seeing these real life fighters get some recognition for what they have done, something that I believe was important to Wilson. From there the film opens brilliantly with a scene that switches back and forth between Sweet kicking a ton of ass in a hotel room, while in another room, his date is stripping down to her sexy parts in anticipation of Sweet’s return. It’s the kind of imagery that’s pretty much the perfect way to open any movie. Unfortunately for the girl getting nekkid, however, Sweet is more interested in borrowing one of her fingers which he then sticks in a flower box to give to Shanna as a sign of affection. This event is what causes Shanna to, trepidatiously, go to Dillon for help.

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact # 2: If the lead character/hero walks into a bar, there will be an epic one-at-a-time bar fight.

  • B-Action Movie Sub-fun Fact: During a bar fight, no one is safe, especially wooden tables, beer bottles and pool sticks.

Something that immediately stands out about Blackbelt is the incredible fashion. For the most part, Jack Dillon’s style is simple, mostly consisting of a t-shirt tossed to the ground, a pair of jeans and a cowboy style boot. However, there is a moment early on when he’s shown training his martial arts’ students, and he’s just slaying bitches left and right in a black, acid wash denim karate gi top. Let me repeat that: a black, acid wash denim karate gi top. Then there’s the delectable Shanna, a rockin’ babe who can often be seen wearing any number of studded braziers. Though, it should be said that she is also a mid-drift mama of the highest order. And last, but certainly not least, there’s John Sweet, who is simply in a league of his own and must be seen to be believed.  

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact #3: There will be a warehouse shootout on the one day no one decided to come into work.

  • B-Action Movie Sub-fun Fact: Said warehouse will clearly be a leading producer of empty cardboard boxes and blue storage drums.

Blackbelt keeps a decent pace with some moderately fun action moments strewn throughout, but things really pick up in the third act, wherein you have a warehouse shootout, a multiple-baddie dojo fight, a car chase, and, of course, numerous shirtless/jean-clad fight scenes via Jack Dillon. Again, I have to reiterate how that dude simply does not want anything to do with a t-shirt. In fact, during one of the fight sequences, Jack tosses his shirt aside, takes a few dudes out, then instead of putting his shirt back on, simply throws on his brown bomber jacket for that open-chest sexy look.

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact #4: If there is a dojo, there will be a fight in that dojo, and that fight will consist of numerous thugs of various ethnicities, brandishing a slew of weapons and fashion choices.

The film wraps up with the eagerly awaited face off between Dillon and Sweet, and when the two are shown on screen together (with both being so extremely shirtless), it’s insane how massive the 6’5” Hues is in comparison to Wilson, who is no slouch himself at 6’1”. Overall, this end fight is as satisfying as one would hope for from a Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson flick, which is probably the perfect way to describe Blackblet as a whole. It features some highly entertaining, if not overly choreographed action scenes, there’s some questionable acting, namely from ‘The Dragon’, and of course the film features some silly fashion, all elements that one would expect and, more importantly, want from an early 90s B-Action movie starring Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson.

On a side note, can he ever not be referred to as ‘The Dragon’? Go ahead, try to say and/or type his first and last name without it. You will fail.

Undefeatable (1994): I’ll Take My Steak Rare and With A Side of Ass

*Disclaimer!* I wrote a handful of articles for a now defunct e-zine called BthroughZ some years back, and when that site went belly up, so didn’t the reviews I wrote for it. I didn’t want to lose the articles I worked so hard to write, so over the next few months I will be reposting them here for your enjoyment.

"Out of the ring, into the fire...in a fight to the finish!" is the battle cry tagline for the 1994 Martial Arts epic, Undefeatable. Funny thing about that tag line though, is there’s only one scene with an actual boxing ring in it. But I suppose that doesn’t matter seeing as the man fighting within this ring is the almighty Stingray, a man so badass that his actual job is to kick ass and kick a lot of it.

With intense baby blues and a full bodied, shoulder length mullet, Stingray (Don Niam) is one of the most intense characters you'll ever see in a direct to DVD karate movie from 1994 starting Cynthia Rothrock. Though, being a super badass is simply not as easy as one would think. I mean, even Stingray’s own wife, Anna (Emille Davazac), is deathly afraid of him. I suppose you really can’t blame her, though. When a normal man comes home from work, a nice hot dinner waiting at the dinner table is pretty friggin awesome. Well, awesome if you're a pussy. When you're Stingray, however, you expect a nice hot piece of Anna ass when you get home from a hard day of busting heads, THEN dinner would come next. Regardless, Anna doesn't quite understand this ‘theory’ and decides that leaving her husband is a better idea than getting raped everyday at 5:22 PM.

Unfortunately for Anna, Stingray has major mama trauma issues, and leaving him just adds fuel to his unstable fire. You simply do not leave Stingray; Stingray leaves you... Dead! Now completely out of his gourd, Stingray sets out to find Anna, but his rage seems to cloud his senses, causing him to mistake any woman who shares Anna's red hair color, and floral dress fashion sense, for being his wife. Apparently, there were numerous red heads rockin' floral dresses back in the mid-90s, because Stingray finds plenty of them. And naturally, he proceeds to rape, torture, and then murder each and every one of them. What’s funny though, is that most of the women who Stingray runs into seem to be - or be with, someone who is trained in the Martial Arts. The chances are low, but in the mid-90s anything can happen. Fanny Pack popularity is my proof of that.

One of the unfortunate Anna look-alikes who happens to cross Stingray's path also happens to have a sister named Kristi, who just so happens to be played by Cynthia Rothrock, who also happens to be the toughest person to ever be in a movie called Fast Getaway. Kristi is not all too thrilled that her sister was murdered, so she goes on a quest to find and kill the man behind her death: Stingray! But before we get into all that, I’d like to take a moment to talk a little bit about Kristi's backstory. Kristi is a straight up street thug, and when she isn't waiting tables and serving lunch at her restaurant job, she's making cash busting heads and serving knuckle sandwiches in underground street fights. Furthermore, Kristi is also the only white chick in an all Asian gang called the Dragon Claws or Paws or some shit. Either way, this is one of the toughest street gangs around with all three members basically being a ‘90s version of the vicious ‘30s street gang known as the Three Stooges.

How does a good-looking white chick get into an all Asian gang? Because she got the skills to pay the bills when it comes to whopping dat ass, and much like a female version of Lionheart (Lionessheart?), Kristi makes a living by fighting in an underground fight club. Through this criminal act, Kristi meets Detective Nick DiMarco (John Miller), who hauls her to jail for her illegal underground fighting activities. Nick is a good cop and a good guy; he is also a pretty sick Martial Artist himself, which is just so crazy considering how many people are so competent at ancient fighting styles in this film. Anyway, Nick sees something in Kristi (*cough* tits *cough*); he sees that she's a good kid who is just a little lost and needs some guidance down the right path... to his pants.  

Nick's spot on thoughts about Kristi are confirmed when he learns that the living she earns by fighting is not necessarily for herself. Instead, she uses the money to pay Anna’s medical school tuition. You see, Kristi wants to see her good-natured sister do well in life and is willing to risk her life by fighting to make that happen. However, in case you might have forgotten, Stingray stung Kristi's sister and Nick happens to be the man on the case, so naturally both Nick and Kristi must come together as a team to find and destroy the menace known as Stingray! Who will end this film as the one who is most Undefeatable? That's up to the one with the most desire to be the best, or the one who can conjure up the most sweat perhaps.

Most people know of Undefeatable from the infamous “Worst and/or best fight scene ever” YouTube clips, but it's so much more than that. It's a Godfrey Ho film, who for some strange reason used his secret name of Godfrey Hall on this Hong Kong produced American action film. Godfrey Ho is infamous for making trillions of Ninja movies in the ‘80s (well, one ninja film used a trillion times). These were the kind of Ninja movies where the Ninjas were proven to be Ninjas because they would have the word Ninja embroidered on their headbands. Undefeatable is not a Ninja film, but it is a Martial Arts film, and one that many might consider to be pretty much trash.

Personally, I could not disagree more. Sure, the film is awful, the dialogue is ridiculous, the acting poor, and all the sets consist of warehouses and factories, complete with steel drums and empty cardboard boxes. With that said, it's entertaining as all hell and for so many reasons, too. Stingray drives a '84 Plymouth Voyager, just like the one my mom had! But unfortunately, my mom never wore a sleeveless jean jacket like Stingray. To go with his jacket of jean, Stingray even spray paints purple stripes down the sides of his hair, because, well, I actually have no idea why he does this but he does, and it's awesome.

While there may be a handful of awkward and, quite frankly, odd moments strewn throughout, the fight scenes are more than competent and, at times, somewhat impressively done. However, a great deal of that credit goes to the cast of well-trained Martial Artists displaying a multitude of fighting styles and techniques. Bad and cheesy Undefeatable may be, but some of these actors are very impressive, and even the sight of John Miller's huge hairy tits cannot distract me from this fact. In all seriousness, Cynthia Rothrock is no joke and is easily one of the highest-ranking female Martial Artists to grace the screen, so it’s always a joy to watch her do what she does best. I must say, however, that I have never been so jealous of the ground than when Rothrock does the splits.

Undefeatable is a mess, but unlike the kind of mess your grandma makes after too much applesauce, it’s a fun mess to spend time with. When the male leads in a film rip off their shirts just to show off their extremely oiled and firm male breasts, or a character is proven to be tough by wearing chains OVER his Champion sweatshirt, it’s a pretty good indication that you should simply let all of your inhibitions go. It's just one of those movies that is a waste of time to hate for being bad, and doing so will do nothing but make you sad inside. If you can embrace the insanity of what you are witnessing on screen, then you too may become... Undefeatable. See ya!

 

Haywire (2012): 93 Minutes of Lay and Pray

Steven Soderbergh's Haywire follows a plot so thin that it's almost barely worth mentioning. The nuts and bolts of the story boils down to this: after being betrayed during a mission, a female special ops soldier (played by Gina Carano) is forced to take revenge on the people who set her up. It's the type of plot that would appear to serve one purpose and one purpose only: to play as a vehicle for some action tough guy (or in this case, tough girl) to knock a few blocks off. Meat and potatoes action, and nothing more. Such simplistic cinema needn't rely on any sort of depth, as such films exist simply as mindlessly fun action flicks meant to entertain our primordial instinct to watch people get their heads bashed in.

Instead of delivering an action platter served over a bed of bodies, Soderbergh, unsurprisingly, goes for a more artistic approach. As a result, much of the action you would come to expect from a plotless film built around a rookie actress whose selling point is the fact that she's a successful female MMA fighter is all left by the wayside in an attempt to do something more important. It's an odd choice bringing on a professional fighter in Carano to play a role where her screen presence is dictated more by her acting and charisma rather than her physical abilities. Even stranger is sticking her in the ring with actors who are, for the most part, some of the best working today, while Carano is barely at the "Stone Cold" Steve Austin level. As a result, Carano is completely left out to dry, playing big league ball with little league abilities. 

It's unfortunate, really, because when Carano is given the chance to show off her stuff, she's quite brilliant. Her Mixed Martial Arts style of fighting translates well to screen, and Soderbergh does a fairly decent job of capturing some of these moments. Much like the film's big name actors diminish her acting skills to that of a grade school level church play, Carano makes a handful of those same actors look about as tough as Rudy Ray Moore pitted up against Bruce Lee. I wish I could say it was a fair trade off, but for Carano, it's not. Unfortunately, she had no business playing a role of this stature because she's simply just not qualified, and I think it shows a complete lack of respect for her on Soderbergh's part to put her in a position in which she cannot escape from (and I certainly cannot blame her for taking the role).  

While I take issue with Gina Carano's acting ability and, more so, how she is utilized by her director, that's only the beginning when it comes to the issues that Haywire has as a film. One of the biggest problems that faces Haywire is the fact that there's no real care behind it. The film is essentially a mishmash of underdeveloped characters and a handful of poorly conceived filtered shots that come to be plundered by an obtrusively ill fitting and genuinely confused score that has no place in any film past 2002. Though, it should be said that this is a bigger issue in the first half, as the latter portion of Haywire plays slightly better in terms of a consistent style. Regardless, this only proves to me that Soderbergh has no sense of cohesion, or at least no care to try to put something together with any sort of thought, let alone heart.

Soderbergh's lack of passion is shown in how he pollutes both Haywire (and a number of his other films) with an inordinate amount of useless characters; character who only seem to exist as a reason for him to get one of his many Hollywood friends involved. Not one single character in Haywire has even the slightest ounce of meat to chew on. Each character is one dimensional, uninspiring and flat out boring, and no matter which one of these great actors fills the role, there is nothing to take away from the lot of them. I almost feel as if Soderbergh knows he can get whoever he wants to play whatever role, regardless of how lackluster the character is, so he simply doesn't even bother to put in any effort, and it shows. That, or he's incapable of writing good characters, which isn't hard to believe, either. To put it bluntly, there's no possible way that anyone will ever walk away from a film like Haywire with a single memory of any character or performance, save for Carano's, but that's for the completely wrong reasons.

With the kinds of films that he's been putting out over the past few years, Soderbergh seems to have set his directing sites on literally cranking out easy to digest, artistic laced genre films that significantly suffer from both a lack of competent style and ability as well as lack what makes a genre film fun or enjoyable. Instead of making a basic action flick staring a female MMA fighter, which is what he wrote and cast his lead for, Soderbergh attempted to make a classy, stylish action film. Now, I have no problem with that, so long as the movie is actually solid; however, the end result here is simply not very good, let alone competent or interesting. And no amount of attempt at style, groovy music or fantastic Hollywood actors will ever change that. Some might call Steven Soderbergh a risk taker. I simply call him lazy and boring, much like Haywire.

Black Belt Jones: Man, You Come Right Out of A Comic Book

Pitting a karate school against the mob, Black Belt Jones is the classic tale of the big guy bullying the little guy, all in the name of greed. In this case, it's the mob forcing their lower-level "associates," Pinky and his gang of thugs, to push out a local karate school so they can profit off a future land redevelopment. When Pinky and his boys go a little too far with their pushing and the karate school's owner is accidentally killed, one time student turned government agent, Black Belt Jones gets involved. And boy is he someone that you do not want to get involved with. Unless you're a lady, that is.    

Taking full advantage of the popularity of Blaxploitation movies, as well as the boom in Martial Art's films, 1974's Black Belt Jones is a culmination of its own era's popular genre cinema. The film stars the great Jim "the Dragon" Kelly, who, hot off of 1973's Enter the Dragon, was the perfect person to center a film that would take from both the popularity of Enter the Dragon, as well as his own character in that film, Williams, who was a representation of Blaxploitation cinema meant to reach a larger demographic. So, there you have it, the circle of cinematic life thanks to Black Belt Jones and Enter the Dragon.  

Black Belt Jones' connection to Enter the Dragon goes further as both films share the same director, Robert Clouse, who, besides directing both Kelly and Bruce Lee, has also directed Jackie Chan in The Big Brawl, and even the first few Cynthia Rothrock China O'Brien films. So he certainly has some solid action genre cred under his (black) belt, but I wouldn't say that Black Belt Jones is anything to marvel at on a serious action level. It's all pretty standard over-the-top stuff that places a much larger focus on fun than it does realistic hard-hitting action.    

There's a certain charm filled swagger that Black Belt Jones carries, which comes from the character, as well as the film and how it presents itself. It's very light and goofy and avoids some of the darker trappings that would be found in many Blaxploitation films. The racism level in the movie is very low, to the point where even the police officers seem to be smitten by just how cool Jones is, as opposed to being of the oppressive variety. Even the incredibly stereotypical Italian mobsters, who are the film's main antagonists, are silly (outside of the intimidating Mel Novak) in an almost parodic way. I love me a dark grimy Exploitation film, but it's nice to have one that isn't just mean spirited for the sake of exploitation.

What makes Black Belt Jones such an enjoyable ride is how much fun everyone seems to be having in the film. The interactions between certain characters are quite delightful and a lot of that has to do with Kelly's presence. He has such a great look, with that huge afro standing on top of his tall, lanky frame with that sullen look on his face. A sullen look that, in a heartbeat, can switch to the most natural and charismatic of smiles. He might not be the best actor on the block, but he can do what needs to be done physically, he has charm and, most importantly, a great presence.

Some might point to the movie as being a "so bad it's good" type of film, but I believe that people confuse the purposeful humor with cheese-lathered incompetence. Black Belt Jones is exactly what it was meant to be, fun. Black Belt Jones is supposed to be a good time, and it shows in scenes where the karate school students (in complete karate gi uniform, of course) are seen doing synchronized martial art's moves at a funeral. Or, having Gloria Hendry run around open handed karate chopping bad dudes, yelling HI-YA!, like it's no one's business. Moreover, how serious is any film trying to be when they cast Scatman Crothers as a karate master?!

Black Belt Jones is a film that, in a way, has an innocence about it and could play perfectly to most any crowd that's open to having a good time. In that sense, it reminds me a lot of 1985's The Last Dragon with its tone, its sense of humor, and comic book feel. Not to say that Black Belt Jones is as wonderful as The Last Dragon, but it hits the right notes and stands on its own as a different type of Blaxploitation film. From the moment Dennis Coffey's wonderful main theme song funks up your ear drums; down to the bubble bath final fight at the carwash, you are sure to be smiling throughout much of Black Belt Jones.

Jean-Claude's Friday Night Dance Party Part 3!: Drunken Boxing Edition!

This Muscles from Brussels is truly marking his territory here at CNAMB, and now with his third time tearing it up on the dance floor, Jean-Claude Van Damme has had the most dance party appearances outside of Freddy Krueger. I'm sure that makes him enormously proud. But what he should really be proud of is his ability to tantalize us all with every move he makes, and no, this clip is not quite as infectious and move groovy as My Name is Jean Claude Van Damme - I will Dance For You, but shit will really put you in the mood to let loose. 

This clip comes from the Van Damme 1989 martial arts classic, Kickboxer, and really shows what an imposing force JCVD is when he gets in a groove. He just gets up there and swings his dick around for a minute and next thing you know, dude has two girls under his spell. And heck, how can these ladies resist? I mean, it must be very difficult to fight off the urge to rock it with JCVD when he is adorned with some fabulously fitted khakis, matched with some sort of onesie that looks to have buckles on it. There is no saying no to that, it is what it is, and to fight it is to fight yourself.    

It's no wonder the locals are so quick to brawl with Jean-Claude in what is one of the greatest scenes in all of cinema. Guy came in, looked better than everyone else, danced like Denny Terrio wishes he could, takes all the bitches and then proceeds to rape the floor and shake his butt cheeks like it's no ones business. It was only a matter of time before the male patrons of the finest establishment in Thailand take shots at this khakied dance machine. The fight scene is nothing short of spectacular as Claude Van pulls off his signature moves perfectly, only to finish them with a little sway to show that he is indeed drunk. My personal favorite - the no look, behind the back head butt, only to be one upped slightly by the perfectly placed splits-kick-to-double head-split. Lights out, bitches. 

Hard Revenge Milly: Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Hard

Hard Revenge Milly (Hâdo ribenji, Mirî) is a Japanese action film that places its focus on Milly (Miki Mizuno), a young woman who is looking to take revenge on those that murdered her family and left her for dead. For the first half - of this very short 44 minute film – time is spent with Milly as she reflects on what happened to her and her family in a series of intercut flashbacks. All of this is happening while she is in the midst of taking her revenge, as she takes out one of her enemies, uses him as bait, then waits for the rest of his crew to show up so she can take care of them next.

Definitely targeted at Western audiences, Hard Revenge Milly is a mixed bag that works in a few ways, but fails in many others. Much like the new wave of over-the-top Japanese exploitation cinema of recent years, the film has some outlandish elements, but they really don’t fit in well with this film. Hard Revenge Milly is - for much of the short runtime - very serious in how it presents itself but trades in that tone in the second half for outlandish enemies and silly deaths that go way overboard.

Seeing as this is an action film - with a character that carries a samurai sword and has a shotgun embedded in her leg - the film goes about getting to the action at a dead snail's pace. When the viewer is first introduced to Milly, it is as she does an impressive and very bloody kill, then the movie goes back to what led her to that moment as we learn a little about her character. Now, the next action oriented moment doesn't happen until 12 minutes in, and it's the same one that the film opens with. Cool scene, but in a film this short, I expected a lot more to happen by that point.

No real action even happens until 20 or so minutes into the movie, which is half its length, but it is how this slow build up to the action is handled that would actually be the strength of Hard Revenge Milly. All of the focus is on Milly, who silently prepares and waits patiently for her targets to show so she can eradicate them. As she is preparing, Milly has her motivational flashback moments so the viewer can see just what put her in the place she's in now.

It is nice to have a movie such as this go a reflective route, but it also is all for not when things begin to get goofy. If you're doing a film like this, go all the way with the cartoonish elements or don't go at all. There could have been a solid little movie here if the tone had stayed serious. Director Takanori Tsujimoto definitely has talent which is displayed quite nicely in what is a very low budget film. With some great angles and use of space, the movie is nicely made overall and a bit reminiscent of the styling of an unpolished Ryuhei Kitamura.

While I generally prefer my Martial Arts styled action to be grand and very open in scope, Hard Revenge Milly goes the way of quick edited action sequences, but it is done most impressively with some great editing. The scenes are tight and most of the time the action was easy to follow and made sense in how it flowed. However, some of the action is taken down a notch with the abysmal CGI and practical make up. It's not all bad, but there are some awful moments that would seem completely out of place and really take away from the serious tone that the movie has at times.

Overall, Hard Revenge Milly is okay at best. It would've been nice if the filmmakers chose to go one way or the other - preferably the more serious tone - as I would really like to see what Takanori Tsujimoto is capable of as a patient storyteller. In addition, while I have enjoyed the insanity that has come out of Japan that is geared towards American audiences, it has all become a little tired and played out. I enjoyed the film just enough to want to check out the sequel, subtitled Blood Battles, but I hope it can step it up a bit as it does come in at 74 minutes, which may prove to be too much for a film of this ilk if some of these wrongs aren't at least somewhat righted.

Baby Babble: A Swift Kick to Paracinema

If you're feeling a little frisky and could go for some ass kicking Asian action, stop by Paracinema…The Blog, and check out my review for the 2009 Japanese Martial Art's Film, High Kick Girl! Thank you for your time kissy face.

Click Da Link!!  

All I Want For Christmas...

...Is a copy of Lady Dragon. Actually, that's not really all I want, but I REALLY want it. Rothrock, you slay me.

Snow Angels

Brrrr...it sure is getting cold outside, but there is not yet a flake of snow to be seen in my neck of the woods, which is somewhat unfortunate. I love when it snows and being from Massachusetts, I have seen more than my fair share. I really only hate snow when it starts melting and gets all slushy and gross - otherwise, I love the look of it as it coats my surroundings in purity and solitude.

To help quench my thirst for the white stuff, I busted out a few of my favorite revenge based fight scenes that take place in the snow, with some women hot enough to melt their respective fighting surfaces.

A movie that everyone should see if you are a fan of Asian cinema and Martial Arts (or even if you're not), Lady Snowblood is amazing and has more style and originality than 90% of films made today. The film's star, Meiko Kaji is one of the most beautiful Japanese actresses to have ever graced the screen.

Lady Snowblood: Vengeance is A Dish Best Served Cold



Rarely (and surprisingly) do I use the NSFW tag, but it is necessary with this next clip for the pinky violence classic, Sex and Fury. I should warn you that you will have to watch this video a few times; it will take you at least one viewing to get over the fact that the "Snow Angel" in this clip, Reiko Ike is completely nude while she jacks these dudes up. Once you get over that, there is some awesome stuff to be seen here. The music is so great, as well as the way it's shot, in particular when you only see her legs, her shadow, and limbs hitting the ground.

Sex and Fury: Nude With A 'Tude - or - I think Your Headlights Are On



As you saw with the previous clips, Kill Bill was inspired heavily by both films and this "chilling" scene in particular by Sex and Fury's backdrop and look. I couldn't have the other two clips and leave this one out, because it truly is a goose bump inducing snow set fight scene and one of my favorites.

Kill Bill Volume 1: That Really Was A Hattori Hanzo Sword

Purple Nurple

Many people underestimate the color purple…I don’t mean that movie with the little short chick Prince; I’m talking about the actual color purple. Like the color that your nipple becomes when twisted in-between someone’s tightly gripped fingertips, or the color of delicious artificial grape substances. It’s a color that displays more than just style and fashion sense, it shows that you are a man that is not only confident, but a man with true panache. Purple can have an effect unlike any other color; it can grant the wearer the ability to have tight abs, or even the capability to throw an opponent onto a trampoline. However, if you do not have faith in your purple garb, or a pair of healed boots and white tapered pants, then you may not be able to harness all that is purple. In the end, you are just another jerk in purple pajamas.

Totally Tubular Trailers!

Whew! I got a handful of great trailers for you guys this time around so let's not waste any time with my mindless babble and get right into it!

First trailer for the evening, we have an Israeli action film titled Kirot. Directed by Danny Lerner, Kirot is the story of two women - the first is an ex-prostitute named Galia, who is forced against her will into becoming an assassin by a skeevy criminal organization. The other woman is Galia's neighbor, Eleanor who is a grocery store cashier that cannot take her awful life anymore as an abused wife. They both team up and escape from there sorrows and together they embark on a campaign of revenge. Has the feel and some of the themes found in films like Bound and Thelma and Louise...you just can't go wrong with a couple of good looking Israeli girls strapped with gat's!



Hot on the heals of Dead Snow, there is more Nazi mayhem to come with the upcoming "Nazi Slasher" film, Final Solution - Nazi's really are the new pink this season, aren't they? Directed by Martin Bech, this Danish horror flick focuses on a woman's journey to find out what happened to her family (who were forced to leave her behind) when they fled a Nazi occupied Denmark to neutral Swedish soil. Her quest takes her to places more frightening than she could ever imagine, a place where she and her friends will uncover a Nazi evil of unspeakable proportions. Nazi Slasher sounds like a novel concept and the teaser is pretty cool looking - it actually looks like a French film more than anything else and that's not so bad considering the French have been cranking out some solid horror over the past few years.



Next up, Martial Arts legend Yuen Woo-ping makes a triumphant comeback as the director of True Legend. The film follows the story of the classic martial arts character, Su Qi-Er (Man Cheuk Chiu) who lost his fortune and reputation due to a conspiracy against him and his family. Now living the life of a beggar, he takes to practicing Martial Arts and eventually evolves into a master, better known as the King of Beggars. Yuen Woo-ping has not directed anything since 2002's The Tai Chi Master, so it's great to see him back in the director's chair. He has directed some of my favorite Martial Arts films, namely Iron Monkey and Twin Warriors and has done the fight choreography for films like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and the superb first two entries in the Once Upon A Time in China series - so this is something to look forward to indeed.



Finally, and minus the Silver Shamrock song, we have Season of the Witch directed by Dominic Sena. Set in the 14th-century, Season of the Witch is about a group of knights who must transport a suspected witch to a monastery, for she is thought to be the source of the Black Plague. Dominic Sena has directed some pretty weak films, but I still think this one looks promising...and Nick Cage is in it, with long hair no less, and the awesome Ron Perlman to boot. Is it just me, or is the teaser takng a shot at Saw in the begining? At least that's what I got out of the opening statement of the teaser. We'll see if it can rise above amateur level on March 19th of next year.



Them was some great trailers, now weren't they? As always, I would love to hear what you think about anyone one of these movies...until then, I'll be watching Roseanne Halloween specials nonstop!

Totally Tubular Trailers!

I unfortunately haven't had much time to put together a Totally Tubular Trailers in a while, so I figured I should put up a quick one to share a few trailers that I have been sitting on for a little while. All three trailers are for Asian films and each one is significantly different from the next, but for once, two of them have subs!! Check 'em out, sexy!

First up is Mamoru (Ghost in the Shell) Oshii's, Assault Girls! Set on a post-nuclear war Earth, Assault Girls follows a group of young ladies armed to the teeth and fighting a group of giant deadly sand dwelling monsters. Simple enough. Style wise, it reminds me of a Final Fantasy game, just not as lame, but I think it looks like it could be a lot of fun - you have hot chicks with big bad ass guns, action, J-pop, and those giant worms from Bettlejuice - sans stripes! Assault Girls rolls into Japanese theaters on December 29th and there are already talks of a possible U.S. remake, which means it won't come out in America for at least four years. Sigh.



On an even more badass front, Clash (aka Bay Rong) is a Vietnamese martial arts film that some have said would be best described as a sort action/romance flick in the vein of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Not that it should be too difficult to be better than MaMS, but Clash looks flat out awesome. Clash also re-teams Johnny Tri Nguyen and Ngo Thanh Van, who both appeared together in the 2007 film, The Rebel which was a well received hit in Vietnam. Clash will be opening in Vietnam on December 18th, and I really hope to get my hands on a copy of this as soon as possible.



Last on the docket we have Yam Laranas' Patient X, a Filipino horror film that will be released in its native land on October 28th. Patient X is the story of a doctor who must face the murderers of his younger brother from 20 years earlier. He soon learns that the murderers are not of human nature, but are Aswangs (vampire-like creatures) and they pose a much deadlier threat not only to him but also for the entire town. This one actually surprised me a little as I thought it would be some kind of detective/ghost story, but the inclusion of the Assheads adds something that could be cool. Or terrible.


Hope there was something here that piqued your interest a little, I think all three films look quite interesting, thus the reason why I posted them in the first place! There is a method to my madness! Peace out Baby Eaters!

Yeee Haw!!

When pitted against numerous foes while out on the streets with my fellow gang buddies, I try to pick the seemingly easiest person to take down. When I run into an Asian girl and a Black guy in a wheelchair, the answer is made for me instantly. I mean, more than likely, the Asian girl knows karate, plus she’s wearing all black, not a good sign either. And the black guy in a wheelchair…well, he's a guy in a wheelchair. I can take this fucker! The only real advantage he may have is, he is right at ball height, but with balls as tiny as mine, he would more than likely miss if he were to strike at them.

As the Asian female comes rollin' up, it is clear that I made the right decision. This bombshell is bashing my banger boys left and right with spin kicks and super queefs, and I think I even saw her fling a tampon at one of my boy’s temples. I'm gonna look like the man when I tip this dude in the wheelchair right over and onto the ground. He'll be all stuck on his back like a beetle, flailing his arms and legs…err flailing his arms as he attempts to get back up and into his comfortable seat. "I have no legs!" More like you have no excuse anymore son, we is gonna throw down!


Oh great, I'm getting my ass kicked by a dude in a wheelchair. He's so quick and his arm reach is so long! And how the hell does he scamper around like that without any stems to support him? And I can't help but wonder - does he have a dick?! So distracting! Figures I would pick a fourth degree Kendo master to brawl with. I'm so going to look like such a wuss when my boys look over here and see me being tossed around by a dude with no legs. I can hear it now "What, did he run over your foot with one of his wheels?" "Who's gonna kick your ass next, Ray Charles?! Bwahahaa!" Handicapped my ass.

Man, this isn’t my day, thanks a lot, Henry Smalls. Unlike Biggie, you are not the illest.

We’ll keep an eye out for ya, Stingray!

If you find that your shirt is already slightly torn, why not just go ahead and rip it off? If you have an oily swamp chest and are in the midst of a major brawl with a villain rockin’ a similarly buttered set of pectorals, then why bother leaving it on? It’ll just get more wrinkled anyway, so at least if you rip it off, Hogan style, you may scare off your slimy chested foe. Unless, of course, he too takes off his shirt, then you’re just kinda back to square one. Hope your Karate skills are tight…cause the shirtless playing field is now officially level. Well, level until Cynthia fucking Rothrock shows up, and she’s on your side! Then you are, truly, Undefeatable. Buckle up, Stingray…this ones gonna hurt.



Just an observation.