Body Bags (1993): Tag ‘em and Bag ‘em

Originally planned as an anthology television series for Showtime, 1993’s Body Bags features three unconnected short horror stories, each of which are introduced by none other than John Carpenter. Carpenter plays The Coroner, a Crypt Keeper influenced morgue worker who gets his kicks out of sharing the gruesomest stories of horror from the numerous cadavers that litter his pristine morgue. Of the three stories, Carpenter directed two – The Gas Station and Hair – while Tobe Hooper took the reigns on the film’s third and final segment, The Eye.

The Gas Station

Somewhere near Haddonfield, IL, a female gas station attendant, Anne (Alex Datcher), is stalked by a madman looking to make her first night on the job her final one.

The Gas Station is a straight-forward slasher film set in a remote location, and it’s the location that works as the most compelling aspect of this opening segment. I think anyone who has ever been to a gas station late at night knows how unsafe they feel, and Carpenter thoughtfully exploits that feeling in a way that is simple yet effective. Anne spends much of the segment inside of a small kiosk located next to the main gas station. While there is a slight feeling of safety and protection that comes with being behind a locked door, you know that she is never completely safe if someone really wants to get to her.

Throughout her first night on the job Anne deals with various customers, many of whom are played by a slew of familiar faces (something that carries on throughout the entire film). This includes David Naughton, George “Buck” Flower, Peter Jason, Robert Carradine, Wes Craven (who is thoroughly entertaining as an oddball), and even Sam Raimi, who shows up in an ‘Employee of the Month’ photo. These cameos might take away from the overall effectiveness of The Gas Station as a piece of horror, but they certainly add a level of amusement to the segment as well as the project as a whole.

Hair

Richard (Stacy Keach) is struggling with the fact that he is losing his hair and will do anything he can to reverse the process and regain his youth.

Much of Hair is relegated to Richard trying a number of techniques to give the illusion that he isn’t balding, which includes an ill-fitting toupée, a comb over and a spray-on hair type of product. After giving up all hope, Richard comes across a TV ad for a company similar to the Hair Club for Men. As a last ditch effort, Richard decides to give this company a try, and the results are quite impressive. In fact, within one night, Richard has a full head of hair so long and luscious, that everyone suddenly becomes completely enamored with Richard in a way they never have before – and Richard eats up every second of it. However, as you would expect, this amazing transformation is too good to be true, and soon Richard learns that his newfound happiness comes at a hefty price.

Hair is certainly the more comedic segment of Body Bags, but there is also an underlying message about the insecurity that comes with being a middle-age man trying to deal with the effects of old age. Richard’s reaction to his hair loss triggers a midlife crisis, something that many men his age go through when they begin to lose their hair and gain weight. Despite being a seemingly successful man with a beautiful wife (played by Sheena Easton), Richard feels severely insecure at the prospect of losing his youth. This is likely a result of the standards placed upon him (and men and especially women in general) by the marketing media that sends a message that your dick needs to be bigger and harder, you need a full head of hair, you must have a six-pack, and you have to own a nice car – and without these things you just aren't a real man, let alone a desirable one.

While that might be getting a little too heavy-handed for a segment in an anthology film, the value of Hair comes less from insecurity and more about how funny it is to see Stacy Keach with hair like Anthony Kiedis in the Under the Bridge video. It’s simply brilliant, especially with how perfectly Keach sells his newfound beauty throughout the segment. Truly joyful.

The Eye

After losing an eye in a horrific car accident, Brent (Mark Hamill) receives an eye transplant to save his budding baseball career, but soon finds himself suffering from numerous visions of violence.

Directed by Tobe Hooper, The Eye is unquestionably the darkest of the three segments in Body Bags. The visions that Brent is subjected to are extremely violent, and it isn’t long before they shake up Brent’s mental stability. This results in Brent being unable to differentiate between the real world and the dark visions he is being constantly subjected to, which causes him to become violent towards his wife, Cathy (Twiggy).

While the story itself is pretty standard, The Eye is well executed and features a good performance by Hamill as man who's going completely insane. The dark tone of the segment brings a nice balance to the overall project, something of which is a necessity in any good anthology film.

In Closing…

Body Bags is bookended with some shenanigans courtesy of our host, The Coroner. The Coroner’s segments are brief but entertaining, and it's nothing short of amusing watching Carpenter hamming it up, especially since this type of performance goes against his laid-back nature as a person.

Body Bags isn’t at the top of the food chain when it comes to anthology horror, but it’s certainly not at the bottom. The numerous cameos from various horror icons and self-referential nature of the project show that Carpenter and company were there to have fun, and it shows in the final product.

)

V/H/S/2 (2013): Tapes of Terror

The 2012 horror anthology V/H/S left me with feelings that were mixed at best. I enjoyed the different approaches to what were essentially simplistic classic horror stories as well as the film’s overall tone, which effectively projected a feeling of unease. On the other hand, more than a few of the stories weren’t really all too satisfying. Furthermore, and this is especially the case with the wraparound segment, some of the characters were quite deplorable in a fashion that really turned me off.

Regardless of my mixed feelings, I enjoyed V/H/S enough to where I was moderately excited about a sequel, especially considering the good feedback that it had been receiving at festivals and such. But was my slight anticipation for V/H/S/2 destined to be a letdown, or could this sequel actually deliver the goods in a way that the first film wasn’t quite able to do?

Tape 49
Directed by: Simon Barrett

Serving as the wraparound story, Tape 49 is very similar in both tone and setting to the first film’s wraparound segment, Tape 56. Tape 49 follows two private investigators searching for a missing college student, eventually ending up in the student’s home where they find a stack of VHS tapes and other various video equipment. One of the investigators, Larry, decides to investigates the house, while the other P.I., Ayesha, watches the tapes with the hope that she’ll be able to find some clues as to the college students whereabouts.

As was the case with V/H/S’s Tape 56, the contents of these VHS tapes serve as the gateway to the four tales of terror found within V/H/S/2. However, like Tape 56, this wraparound story brings little to the table other than a slightly eerie atmosphere, which mostly has to do with how certain shots are staged. There’s something inherently creepy about watching a character sitting in a room with an open background, as it portrays this sense of vulnerability that has a way of making my skin crawl. Outside of that aspect, and a cool moment or two during the finale, this wraparound does little more than serve as a conduit to the other stories.

Phase 1 Clinical Trials
Directed by: Adam Wingard

After an accident, a man named Herman (played by Wingard) is fitted with an experimental robotic eyeball. Seeing as this is the first time such technology is being used, the doctors inform Herman that they will be recording everything he sees as a way to collect data. He is also told that he might see some visual glitches while his new robotic eyeball adjusts. And soon enough Herman begins seeing strange things, but he chalks them up to his new eyeball; however, soon these visions begin to manifest themselves into something far more sinister.

The biggest strength of Phase 1 Clinical Trials is definitely in its visual style, and the first person perspective is handled in a way that effectively creates the opportunity for some nice jump scares. Overall it’s your typical transplanted organ body horror by way of Gaspar Noe’s Enter the Void, but maybe a Noe comparison is giving it a bit more credit than it deserves. Regardless, I found Phase 1 Clinical Trials to be a solid entry and an admirable way to start off the anthology proper.

A Ride in the Park
Directed by: Eduardo Sanchez and Gregg Hale

Adorned with a GoPro type of helmet camera, a young man falls victim to a zombie attack while mountain biking in the forest. What proceeds is a refreshingly original take on zombies, as much of the segment is shot from the perspective of the victim from his initial death to when he first becomes a zombie and eventually to the point when he begins to attack humans as a member of the living dead.

Anytime a filmmaker or filmmakers can give an audience a fresh take on the zombie genre is welcome, as that well has long run dry, no matter how popular it is with the youngsters. A Ride in the Park is not only immensely clever, it’s easily one of the highlights of V/H/S/2. Furthermore, it’s nice to see Sanchez involved in such a great segment, as something like V/H/S wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for him and Daniel Myrick’s The Blair Witch Project. It’s like seeing the whole found footage genre come full circle.

Safe Haven
Directed by: Gareth Evans and Timo Tjahjanto

A group of documentary filmmakers enter the compound of an Indonesian cult to interview their maniacal leader, not realizing that this cult has a very special surprise planned for their visit.

Honestly, there is very little I can or want to say about Safe Haven, because I wouldn’t dare spoil the experience of what is easily the best segment in both V/H/S and V/H/S/2. Safe Haven is scary, it’s smart, it’s flat out awesome, and V/H/S/2 is worth a watch for this segment alone. It’s truly refreshing to see something so creative and original in a modern day horror film.

Slumber Party Alien Abduction
Directed by: Jason Eisner

Already being perfectly summed up with its brilliant title, Slumber Party Alien Abduction follows a group of young kids who torture their older step-sister and her friends by constantly playing pranks on them, naturally capturing it all on camera for further humiliation. Taking place over the course of one night, and with their parents being out of town, the kid’s have the house to themselves, which means it’s pretty much anarchy from the word go. However, their night of innocent fun takes a horrific turn as the children find themselves under attack by aliens.

Slumber Party Alien Abduction is an entertaining take on alien invasions, and this is due, in part, to Eisner’s ability to capture the wild world of kids running free from supervision in a way that is surprisingly genuine. However, all the innocent fun and games are indeed fun and games until the invasion begins, and when the horror kicks off, Eisner delivers the goods. This is especially true during a superbly effective shot involving a boat dock that I won’t get into too much detail about as to avoid spoilers, but it’s a moment that’s at least worth mentioning. Overall, Slumber Party Alien Invasion is a satisfying way to round out the meat and taters of V/H/S/2.

In Conclusion:

Not only does V/H/S/2 greatly improve upon what was done only a year ago with the first V/H/S, it is easily one of the best horror anthology films I have seen in many years, and one that I believe I will be revisiting on a fairly regular basis.

 

The ABCs of Death (2013): Horror Alphabe-DIE-zed

The concept behind The ABCs of Death is simple yet somewhat brilliant in theory. As the title suggests, this anthology film consists of 26 tales of death brought to life by 26 different directors, each of whom was given a letter of the alphabet to focus their story on. Each filmmaker was given free rein to do whatever they please with their story, so long as the title began with the letter they were assigned as well as a death to go with it.

As I said, brilliant in theory, but does The ABCs of Death deliver on its concept? Well, it’s difficult to review a 26 story anthology when there are so many parts that make the whole, so what I decided to do was give a simplistic mini-review for each short followed by a letter grade. This way you can skim each one and get a feel for how I reacted to each and every story as well as get an idea of my general thoughts on the film as a whole.

Before you move forward, however, it should be said that I mostly copied the notes that I took when I watched the film, so there will be moments where I break from the segments to talk about my feelings on the film at certain points during the movie. A sort of editor’s note, if you will, all of which will be wrapped around by a pair of *asterisks*.

A is for Apocalypse
By Nacho Vigalondo

A confusing look at a wife as she attempts to murder her husband while the apocalypse unfolds around them. Doesn’t make much sense, but it’s nicely shot and there is some seriously brutal knife violence.

Grade: B-

B is for Bigfoot
By Adrian Garcia Bogliano

A horny couple attempt to scare a young girl to sleep with a terrifying bigfoot story, giving them the opportunity to “bone” without interruption. Using such tactics for selfish means, however, bites the couple in the butt in this basic story that feels a little hollow.

Grade: C+

C is for Cycle
By Ernesto Diaz Espinoza

A well made and fascinating time travel focused short that follows a man through a time vortex located in his backyard shrubbery. This one does quite a bit with a little time.  

Grade: B

D is for Dogfight
By Marcel Sarmiento

D is as simple as a man fighting a dog in an underground street fight. Well, dogfight, would be more fitting, I guess. This one is, overall, satisfying and certainly gorgeous in terms of photography and the dazzling use of slow motion.

Grade: C+

*I’m very impressed with the high production value on display thus far. So far each short looks pretty fantastic and has its own distinct style.*

E is for Exterminate
By Angela Bettis

A creepy crawly tale about a man and the spider that is constantly “bugging” him. This one features some nice CGI work, and it’s simple premise makes for a satisfying little slice of horror comedy that, overall, feels complete as a short film.

Grade: B

F is for Fart
By Noboru Iguchi

A Japanese girl farts, which set off a series of transcendent female farting in this short that’s almost too strange and silly to enjoy. And that’s coming from a guy who LOVES farts. Especially his own.

Grade: D

G is for Gravity
By Andrew Traucki

A first person account of a man who drowns himself in the ocean. Too simple to be satisfying let alone poignant.

Grade: F

H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion
By Thomas Malling

Seemingly set during WWII, H features a human-styled dog enjoying a strip tease from a human-styled cat who, unbeknownst to the dog, is a Nazi who wants to steal his power. I think? Outside of the visual look and the strangeness of this one, it didn’t capture my attention in any way whatsoever.

Grade: D+

I is for Ingrown
By Jorge Michel Grau

A woman is held captive by a man who injects her with something. I don’t know... this one looks great, but makes little sense.

Grade: C-

*By this point, The ABCs of Death is getting a little tedious, and I’m not even halfway through it yet. This does not bode well for my future...*

J is for Jidai-geki (Samurai Move)
By Yûdai Yamaguchi

A Japanese man makes a bunch of silly faces before committing Seppuku. That’s it.

Grade: D+

K is for Klutz
By Anders Morgenthaler

A nicely animated tale of a woman dealing with her turd, which has come back from the toilet to haunt her. Meh.

Grade: D+

*Yeah, things are getting very bleak.*

L is for Libido
By Timo Tjahjanto

A couple of men are strapped to chairs and forced to masturbate to an array of disturbing imagery. If they refuse to tug away, they get a spike in their butt. An unnecessary attempt at being controversial and shocking when it does a better job of coming off as stupid and pointless. Even the nudity cannot help this one out of the bottom of the barrel.

Grade: F

'M is for Miscarriage
By Ti West

A woman is shown fetching a plunger so she can unclog a blood-filled toilet. Despite being Ti West, who often makes movies that go against the grain of the genre proper in a way that can be almost alienating, I have a feeling he mailed this one in without much thought. Very unfortunate.

Grade: D-

N is for Nuptials
By Banjong Pisanthanakun

A man surprises his girlfriend with a talking bird who helps him make a proposal, but the bird soon sends him to the doghouse. Kind of funny. I guess.

Grade: C-

O is for Orgasm
By Bruno Forzani & Héléne Cattet

Seen through a series of brilliant imagery and fantastic sound design, a woman achieves the orgasm to end all orgasms as well as her life. Those familiar with Forzani and Cattet’s Amer will have a good idea of what to expect and likely see the brilliance of this one. Those who have not, however, will likely hate it.

Grade: B+

*Even after this solid and much needed entry, I cannot believe that I am still here taking notes and watching this thing. Again, tedious comes to mind, and I’m starting to feel like I’m knowingly wading into shark infested waters.*

P is for Pressure
By Simon Rumley

This one follows a financially poor woman who goes to extreme measures to provide for her children after a boyfriend steals all of her money and leaves her. I was a little confused about this one, but I think there’s a lot of depth that might be better appreciated upon multiple viewings.  

Grade: C+

Q is for Quack
By Adam Wingard & Simon Barrett

The filmmakers break the fourth wall and play themselves as they attempt to figure out how to deal with the crappy letter they’ve been dealt, Q. This is certainly one of the more entertaining shorts, and the ending is as satisfying as the humor.

Grade: B+

R is for Removed
By Srdjan Spasojevic

Surgeons remove patches of skin from a man’s deformed back only to reveal that each portion of skin is a piece of film stock. This one looks pretty good and I dig the body horror, but I have no idea what the hell is going on, nor do I even care at this point.  

Grade: D+
 

S is for Speed
By Jake West

Grade: D-

*With this last one, I have simply become tired of taking notes for each letter and, worse yet, I’m tired of paying attention. I’m almost completely checked out and only in it for the review by this point. These waters are getting very choppy.*

T is for Toilet
By Lee Hardcastle

A funny claymation short about a boy who takes a deadly poop.

Grade: B-

U is for Unearthed
By Ben Wheatley

This short is all shot from the perspective of a demon who is under attack in the woods by townsfolk and clergy, who seem to be attempting to exorcise the unseen creature.

Grade: C

*Again, my energy to keep going here is nearly depleted. The temptation to turn this thing off is starting to take over. Will I make it?! Seriously, I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.*

V is for Vagitus (The Cry of a Newborn Baby)
By Kaare Andrews

A cool looking sci-fi actioner with some great special effects and a moderately intriguing premise.

Grade: C+

W is for WTF!
By Jon Schnepp

Another short featuring the filmmakers trying to come up with ways to deal with the letter W, all of which are nicely realized in some form or another. Similar concept to ‘Quack’, but actually very different in its end result.

Grade: C+

*ALMOST DONE!! YAY!!!*

X is for XXL
By Xavier Gens

After a bunch of assholes make fun of a heavy set woman, she goes to extreme measures to measure up to the perception of women in magazines and on television. The results are absolutely brutal and quite satisfying.

Grade: A-

Y is for Youngbuck
By Jason Eisener

A revenge tale that gives a young boy the chance to get back at a creepy pedophile. This one really delivers as a whole and features some gorgeously garish style drenched by a seriously badass soundtrack.

Grade: B+

Z is for Zetsumetsu (Extinction)
By Yoshihiro Nishimura

Not all that positive about what’s happening in this one, but there’s a lot of nudity and Nazis featured in this psycho-sexual orgy of nonsense. Whatever.

Grade: D

*DONE!!*

There are few words that I can use to describe how badly The ABCs of Death fails. Regardless of the few strong entries and interesting concept behind the film, this anthology is simply an inconsistent mess that does nothing to keep the viewer hooked for more than a few segments.

I do love that there's so much diversity in style and with the directors involved, and having filmmakers from so many different countries contribute to this piece is fantastic; however, that is also a part of the overall problem, as The ABCs of Death simply doesn't feel cohesive as a piece of anthology cinema.

 

32-bits of Terror: Nightmares (1983)

The segments found in Joseph Sargent's 1983 film Nightmares were originally intended to be aired as a part of the ABC horror series The Darkroom, but when they were deemed too intense for American audiences Universal Pictures released the four segments in theaters as an anthology film. Nightmares is one of those movies that, due to a mixture of late night cable and the wicked insomnia problem I suffered from as a young hustler, I have incredibly fond memories of. The funny thing though, is those fond memories aren't really for the film as a whole, as I honestly cannot remember any one of the four segments outside of one, and that comes from the film's second chapter:

The Bishop of Battle

The Bishop of Battle stars Emilio Estevez as J.J., a video game wiz whose life has become overtaken by a desire to get to level 13 of one of the most difficult games ever designed, The Bishop of Battle. J.J. is first introduced as he and his best buddy Zock (played by one Billy Jayne) are out hustling money from fellow gamers (aka over-the-top, stereotypical Mexican gangsters) in the hopes that J.J. can nab enough cash so he can afford a few rounds against the Bishop.     

After staying out a little too late trying to make it to the almighty level 13, J.J. goes home only to catch a bunch of shit from his parents who are royally peeved due to his sudden drop in grades and crummy attitude. Because parents are simply too stupid to understand the importance of video games over garbage like math and science, they ground J.J. for a week.

A week?!

Being grounded means very little to a guy like J.J., as his obsession is far too great to be oppressed by parental tyranny. As a result, and soon after his parents fall asleep, J.J. sneaks out and breaks into the arcade for an evening with the Bishop (this is starting to sound a little homosexual, no?).

In an intense battle between man and machine, J.J. does finally make it to level 13. However, as it turns out, level 13 isn't exactly what he expected, and the game world crosses over into the real world with devastating results.

Graphics: 7/10

One word: laZers. And lots of 'em. In the post Tron world of 1983, the old school optical effects in The Bishop of Battle are surprisingly solid for such a minor film. The 3D game graphics blend well with the real world surroundings, making J.J.'s battle with the Bishop as realistic as can be, considering the technology available for the time. Apparently, all of the game sequences were so costly that the production nearly went bankrupt. But hey, at least they put their money into the right segment, right?

Sound: 9/10

Nothing says high score like a soundtrack consisting of music from Fear and Black Flag. 'Nuff said.

Terrortainment: 8/10

It's your standard morality tale with a video game hook, but the briefness of the segment, which runs just under 30-minutes, makes for the perfect little horror snack when the belly aches for a slice of cheap, lean '80s horror. The video game scenes are as fun as they are nostalgic, and it's cool to look back on a time when arcades were as abundant as they were popular. 

Something that's always been one of my favorite things about The Bishop of Battle segment is Estevez, who is, as he was in most every film he starred in around this time, awesome. Actually, Estevez was one of my first favorite actors when I was a young buck, so it's pretty difficult for me not to love the segment, as his bratty character was one of many that I could relate to growing up.

Replay Value: 8/10

I've made it to level 13 many times throughout my youth, and I can very easily see myself revisiting the Bishop at least a few more times within my lifetime.

The 32-Bit Rating: 8

Give Me Something Good to Eat

What seems like a millennium has passed since the first trailer for Trick 'r Treat, and now all of the anticipation has finally halted to a complete stop with the movie finally sitting comfortably in the disc tray of my DVD player. It came out sometime last week, so by now, everyone, including your mom, has written a review for Michael Dougherty's Halloween themed horror film. I won't go all crazy here with details, as I am sure most horror fans have had their fill of reviews for this movie and already know what needs to be known outside of personal opinion.

However, this is a film that had some major expectations to meet, and it is a film that seems to have divided many a horror fan...maybe not so much divided, as it is more a film that is not overwhelmingly loved by everyone, nor disliked either. I have completely avoided reviews for the sake of keeping my brain free of spoilers, but I do know that people either like, dislike, or are just kind of underwhelmed, by Trick 'r Treat.

For me personally, I really liked it, but I can see why some would not. Trick 'r Treat is a horror movie that even outside of unfair expectations, is geared towards a certain kind of horror fan...better yet, a certain kind of person. That horror fan, that person...is me. It is literally, as if someone opened up my cranium, stirred around the tiny little portion of brain fragments, and dumped out everything I love about the Halloween aesthetic. Every ounce of Trick 'r Treat hits on my love for every little intricate detail that comes along with All Hallows' Eve, from the atmosphere to the costumes, to the locations and right on down to the story.

Trick 'r Treat is an anthology film, but is not told in a direct "this is this story, and this is that story" kind of way, it is more of a Pulp Fiction narrative where characters intertwine and may make decisions that can affect other characters. While the stories are far from original, each one calls back to a different era for me, it is nostalgic in a way - first of all, it is an anthology, something that is not quite as prevalent in movies now, as they were when I was a little gangsta. So that alone pulls on my young little heart strings right there and may cause me to have my nostalgic blinders on firmly.

But it's more than just the anthology thing that gets me all giddy inside...in fact, if I could describe the inner makings of Trick 'r Treat in terms that are as simplistic as possible, which in turn, would explain what I like so much about the movie, it would be:

The Trick 'r Treat
Fill a 20 oz Gibraltar glass with ice so it is just over the top
Add 1 oz of Amazing Stories
2 oz of Tales from the Crypt
6 oz of Creepshow
Add a splash of baby blood (or you will catch a roundhouse)
Shake for 7 seconds
Garnish with a cherry and E.C. Comics orange flag
Straw, and serve

Those are ingredients that I love, the ingredients that along with the Halloween aspect - may even cause me to turn a blind eye to some of the issues that the movie does have. And it does have some issues, as I said, the stories are completely unoriginal, and all are things I have read in Creepy or Eerie magazine, or seen in movies and TV shows like Tales From the Darkside/Crypt, and Creepshow. Still, I love those moral tales of terror where someone is punished for their wrongdoings or their mistreatment of others...so even if I can call exactly what is going to happen before it happens, I still get a kick out of it. You could maybe pass it off as classic storytelling, myths and legends are the makings of these stories found within Trick 'r Treat and you aren't always getting a side of original with you order of classic as you may know.

If you think you would enjoy The Trick 'r Treat concoction I made for you, you may enjoy the movie as I did. If you enjoy the holiday of Halloween as I do, once again, you may enjoy the movie as I did. If not, then you may not enjoy the movie, but I don't know, cause I'm not you, now am I? If I was you, how could I hug and hold you dearly? I could get all into the characters, and be more specific with plots, breakdown what I liked about the film technically, and blah, fucking blah. What it all comes down to, and if this makes sense, Trick 'r Treat is not a perfect film, but in many ways, it's a perfect film for me.