Silent Night (2012): Deck the Halls with Blood and Gory

It's Christmas Eve in a small Midwestern town, but all is not calm nor is there anything bright about this long, wintry night, because there's a killer on the loose; a killer dressed up as Santa Claus. As this Santa Psycho goes about slaying all who dare to be naughty, it's up to the local police to try to stop the killer and put an end to a nightmare that has haunted the town for far longer than just this one night.

Directed by Steven C. Miller, Silent Night is, on paper, a remake of the 1984 Santa Slashterpiece, Silent Night, Deadly Night, though, outside of a few nods and the fact that it's a Christmas Slasher film featuring a killer dressed up as Santa, the film has almost nothing in common with its predecessor. Silent Night very well could have been titled Santa's Slaughter or Naughty, Not Nice, and no one would have batted a lash, let alone cried about there being "another remake?!"

As the tagline "He Knows Who's Been Naughty" suggests, Santa (Rick Skene) seemingly has the 411 on every scum bag this town has to offer, and he makes it a point to pay each and every one of them a personal visit. The film proudly presents a handful of less than respectable characters for the audience to root against almost to the point of folly. Some of these characters/victims include a couple participating in adultery, pornographers, a selfish little girl with the mouth of a sailor, a perverted priest who likes to dip into the collection jar, and, well, you probably get the picture. The fashion in which these characters are presented was concerning at first, as I don't need to be goaded into rooting for characters to die when, well, it's why I'm watching the film. Thankfully, however, the near irritation I felt with how these characters were handled subsided before it became a real problem, and soon enough I got on board with the over-the-top fashion in which they were presented.

The anchor of Silent Night is Aubrey (Jaime King), a police woman dealing with some issues from her past that are affecting her confidence as an officer of the law. King stands out with a good performance for a film that some might not believe calls for it. She has a way of emoting without feeling phony, and she's able to bring the character to life in a way that commands a dash of sympathy. Malcolm McDowell also appears in the film as Sheriff Cooper, a cocky know-it-all who somehow goes from being an asshole to being an asshole that you kind of love. McDowell gleefully chews up nearly every scene he's in a way that is difficult not to enjoy. 

There is clearly a common theme in Silent Night, and that's how awful and cruel this world can be sometimes, something that, for certain people, is greatly enhanced during the holiday season. "Christmas can really mess people up" is a phrase uttered by more than one character, specifically characters who are trying to make a few bucks during the holidays by playing Santa. Dressed up as the physical incarnation of their own misery, or the physical incarnation of where their misery is being projected, which is almost poetic if not for the fact that the message is a tad heavy-handed. I appreciate the thought, though.     

The film is nicely put together in a way that seems to be almost the standard for some of the better modern day horror films of similar notoriety. There are a few visual moments that stand out in an impressive way, and there was clearly a lot of thought and care put into certain details that slightly elevate the movie from being just a simple, modern-day Holiday themed Slasher flick. With that said, some of the most notable moments, thankfully, belonging to the kills, as Silent Night serves up some gruesomely fun and satisfying death scenes. From start to finish, the limbs are flying and the blood is spurting, but there is one specific scene involving a wood chipper that is not only THE highlight of Silent Night, it's certainly a candidate for best death scene of 2012.

Silent Night surprised me in two ways: One being that it is a very solid, well made and completely entertaining Slasher film. The other is the fact that the film is directed by Steven C. Miller, who is the director behind the low-budget zombie film, Automaton Transfusion, a movie I absolutely hated. And I mean HATED. Hated in a way where I would have never expected the director to do anything even remotely good, so I suppose I should tip my proverbial cap to Miller for stepping up his game and giving me a good reason to keep an eye on his future projects. 

Silent Night succeeds as a remake by shedding the skin of the film that would influence its creation, while delivering the classic Slasher goods to near perfection. You aren't getting anything groundbreaking with this one, which should be apparent, one would assume, but that's not the goal when it comes to making a good, or at least moderately fun, Slasher film. Keep it simple, follow the basics and deliver the goods, and all will go to sleep with a smile on their face. Well, unless they've been naughty, that is. In which case, maybe their night might be a little more silent than expected…

CNAMB Presents: The Two Worst Films of 2009 - Plus One

Well, it’s “twen-tey ten,” but I’m not completely finished with 2009 just yet. Seeing as I did my best of the year and am working on doing the very daunting best of the decade, I figured why not share my two least favorite (or worst) films of 2009 (I do have an honorable mention that did not come out in 2009, but more on that later).

The reason I only have two films is simple, I didn’t see enough bad movies that came out in 2009. Is that a bad thing? Of course not – I would like to think I am smart enough to avoid wasting my time with anything I think will be a poor use of my precious movie watching time. There’s no way in hell I am throwing away 90 minutes of my life and money on Couples Retreat or The Ugly Truth (unless for some pig’s flying reason that I hear great things), when there is a bevy of classic cinema to be discovered and viewed.

Maybe after I catch up with a few more movies from the year that is now past us, I will have more, but for now, the first movie to suck the life right outta my ass was…

2. Halloween 2! (Or H2 if you enjoy BK or KFC)

Now, H2 was a pile of dreek and one of the few movies that got a really bad review from a very forgiving me since I started doing reviews. Still, it isn’t the worst movie ever, there was some very crafty skills on display here and Zombie can make a movie…to a point. He has a very keen eye and can portray an appealing grittiness in his films and he does it quite well with H2. The first act was actually solid, with Myers doing some seriously brutal damage to a few characters in the nicely crafted hospital setting. I also liked the “bear” version of Michael Myers too – not in comparison to the original, of course, but as a kinda cool, kinda different looking Slasher star, the woodsman look was quite appealing and a nice change of pace.

So what’s the problem then? Zombie goes too far into his trashy world and instead of keeping things on the right path, he veers off into these annoying stylistic choices that have always been a staple of his films, a staple of his films that serves no propose other than to be “extra trashy.” Takes me right out of what he is doing and I have grown increasingly tired of it. An even bigger problem with H2 is the awful story telling. Characters serve so little purpose and are there just to fill space and time. There’s this whole paranormal aspect with Mrs. Myers that is just borderline ridiculous and creates some seriously lame moments in a film that has no need to be any more than a simple Slasher movie. Also, while I liked how Myers looked, there is no sort of threat to the lead characters in this film at all as they have no clue that a killer is walking the earth to slay them…he literally spends the films entire running time making his way back to Haddonfield, occasionally running into useless characters created just to have some one to kill.

Christ, I don’t even know why I am spending so much time even talking about this one…I did a review from when it came out. So check it out for the full Monty.

Review of Halloween 2

Now, as bad and as much as I disliked Halloween 2, I could still see myself watching it again at some point in the future. A film that I saw this year that I will never willingly watch again and the worst movie of the year that I saw by far, is…

1. X-Men Origins: Wolverine!

Okay, I am a huge fan of the first two X-Men films and the second one in particular is one of the best comic book based movies I have seen. The third one is pretty weak, but okay enough that I can at least watch it in all its messy glory. One of my favorite Marvel characters is Wolverine and I think Hugh Jackman has taken that role and perfectly made it his own. So when I see that there is a Wolverine film, I am excited, even though I know it may kinda hurt a little.

Wolverine didn’t kinda hurt at all, in fact, it took every bit of my being and made number two all over it, then proceeded to pee on it for the rest of the movies runtime. I actually liked the first act of of this one too, which had a very cool opening credit sequence and a nice little Wolverine livin’ in the woods storyline going on. That was all set up however, set up for some of the worst filmed action, the worst created computer generated imagery, and the some of the worst scenes I have ever been a witness to.

The big turning point in this pile of used tampons is when the “no point to it at all except to make me puke” boxing scene with Blob happens. I think it was meant to be comedic, but it fails in every sense of the word and is an aspect not needed or benefiting to any sort of X-Men story. There is a complete misuse of a perfectly good character in Gambit and to go with that, the fight scenes are some of the most horrendous ever put to film. And to even go with that, the CGI is incredibly embarrassing and I cannot comprehend that throughout 3 X-Men films, Wolverine's claws never really looked fake, but in his own origin story, they look faker then a set of stripper tits…when they are first revealed no less!

Ya know what? I’m spending way too much time on this one too, so I’ll move on…the more I think about X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the more I wanna run head first into Kirstie Alley covered in fry batter.

And there you have it – my worst films from 2009 and while it is only two, it is more than e-fucking-nough to drive me up a wall. Now, since I only brought you two films that eat balls, I will tack on a film, not from 2009, but one that I saw this year and is by far the one I hated the most (though it’s only barely a little more than Wolverine).

The worst movie I watched in 2009 goes to…

1.5 Automaton Transfusion!

I’m not going to waste anytime going into this one – I wrote a pretty unhappy review for it and maybe you already read that yourself, if not, I shall provide proper linkage. I will just say that, I am a very forgiving film fan and one that enjoys all sorts of sleaze and trash, but with that comes a need for the films that fill those requirements to be entertaining in some capacity. If a film can bring something to the table, even if it’s something to make fun of, you will more than likely have my support. If a movie exists just for the sake of playing the crappy emo/hardcore hybrid music and to be self-referential to the point that nothing is your own, then you ain’t got me in your corner.

Automaton Transfusion, you can eat a swine flu filled cock.

Review of Automaton Transfusion

I’m beat…hope you had some enjoyment out of my displeasure, though I guess it could have been worse, I could’ve went to see 2012, but duped by that one I shall not be.

Automaton Tran"snooze"ion

Shot in 9 days on a $30,000 budget and released by Dimension Extreme...sounds like a recipe for a horror movie that I would certainly enjoy. Or maybe not. Automaton Transfusion is a 2006 Zombie film written and directed by Steven C. Miller, and for some odd reason got a little positive buzz from the likes of Fango (having the film in their top 10 of '06!), and Bloody Disgusting. I'm not sure what the reviewers were thinking when watching this film, maybe they were thinking that the movie is good, when compared to diarrhea. I still disagree.

When you make a film in 9 days for 30k, I am looking for something creative and smart, even with their limited means. I'm looking for passion, passion that drives a filmmaker, or group of filmmakers to put out the best product they can with everything going against them. I'm also looking for some type of entertainment in the movie, whether it be of a serious nature, or even if it's straight camp, I want to have a sense of fun. I love low budget horror films and I even cut them a lot of slack knowing that they have immense challenges to face with things like no money and time. However Automechanic Transporter is a failure on many levels that budget and time do not seem to make a factor in. It's poor story is not even worth going over as it is completely pointless and similar to so many Zombie films, Zombie films that are much, much better in other areas, therefore, making up for their uncreative story. I'll give you the quickie...and I will include spoilers too, so be warned my child

Teenagers are in high school, some of them go to this lame concert while a bunch of other kids go to some party or a dance at the school. Blah blah blah...Zombies attack the cool concert kids and they try to survive the attack...and also attempt to make it back to the high school to help out any possible survivors. How noble. There is a reason for all this "Zany Zombie Madness," and it has to do with government testing done during 'Nam, where the government tried to create Zombie soldiers to fight on the battlefields, therefore preserving human lives. Blah blah blah again...guess what? The Zombies got out of control, and started craving human flesh! Good thing they did, or else we wouldn't have Automaton Transfusion now would we?!

Big issue with the poor story is, the story is poor!? Okay, the plot is unoriginal, but that can sometimes be okay when you have a well-written script with good dialogue and things actually make sense. In Automatic Transmission, the first Zombie attack on the high school kids happens and then almost the entire town is infected without the main characters knowledge that anything is going on. There was no bridging the gaps, or connecting scene showing how it could have spread from one person to another. I know there were a budget and time concerns, but this could have been done very easily with a quick scene, or a shot even, of a Zombie walking into a crowd of students or something along those lines. Also, outside of the main couple of characters, any supporting characters are lost in translation and serve to be nothing more than people for me to ask myself..."who the fuck is that again?" Time and distance are not of human proportions either...the main group of guys go to a concert an hour away from home, then from the city where the concert is located, it is a half mile to the high school? Or maybe that was explained when I was sleeping...

That's the worst thing ever by the way...a movie that is a scant 75 minutes long, and I am still so bored that I almost feel asleep twice. Automatinence Transatlantic was so boring that I completely lost all interest by the films half way point and just didn't care anymore. If the movie changed pace and got all badass in the second half, or even the last 10 or so minutes, I would have at least gotten something out of it. It never does though - the movie remains boring throughout...biggest offense for a movie in my book. An even bigger offense...in complete spoiler territory, but warranted for ending on a "To Be Continued" note! Really? To be continued from 2006 to 2010 when Automaton Transfusion: Contingency is set to come out?! Talk about a cliff hanger!
Maybe the biggest problem is something that was apparently a "stylistic" choice in Automatic Coffeemaker. It's shot on digital, but it looks incredibly awful - like worse that many lower budgeted films I have seen. It would seem that they tried to use a style in the vein of Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later with the DV looking documentary type shaky-cam. That was Danny Boyle; he is an amazing filmmaker and can pull of such a look and style with his masterful film making skill. This is a $30,000 dollar movie from a first time director. It is very hard to make out any of the action in the film at all, and the entire time it looks like the movie is missing every other frame as it jerks around and looks all blurry. Terrible decision.

"Every generation has a horror film that defines its culture" claims the trailer for Automated Transponder. If your culture is hardcore music, then maybe. I've always been kind of a fan of hardcore music, so I can dig some of the music in the film, but it doesn't fit most of the time and feels like it is put in because it's music that the filmmakers like, not music that fits in with any scene in particular. It is very distracting to say the least...especially when they mix in that hybrid hardcore/emo crap where the vocalist sings all pretty - then screams in retaliation to his previous pussy singing. Really annoying. It's as if they think that what they are into is they way of life that will overcome all ways of life with such an obnoxious blanket statement about culture. I feel like Automaton Transfusion is an excuse to make a movie so they can have friends wearing cool band shirts and play their favorite music instead of focusing on story and film making. "This is our movie, for our generation!" Eat me.

Along with that lack of focus, comes the over focus of being all to horror movie hip. There is an eye gouge scene (that is well done) that is clearly inspired by Fulci, there is also a scene where the kids gear up for battle, ala, "tool shed" from Evil Dead II. They even go as far to have a character pick up a chainsaw and mutter the line "Ash would be proud!" No, he wouldn't. This is something that can be fun in a movie occasionally, but those homage’s in particular are way over done and are not so cute and fun anymore.

There were a few okay things about Automobile Traction, the acting wasn't too bad for a an independent/no-budge. horror movie, and while the dialogue wasn't very good, there were a few fun lines. One being when a character punches a Zombie in the head and knocks him out, he then calls the Zombie an asshole. It's funny to me at least. Rick Gonzalez does the make up which was a major stand out in this otherwise pile of crap movie. One scene, a girl gets her jaw ripped clean off her face. It looks great and very realistic...and it's a complete waste of an awesome gag - I think it should be inserted into Dance of the Dead or something that is actually decent. The only other cool thing that happened was when a pregnant girl gets her baby pulled right from out of her belly by a Zombie, who then, in true Chuck Norris fashion, takes a few bites out of it - the mom replies with "Oh my god...my baby!" How about your stomach?! Outside of those scenes and a few others, the blood and grue are wasted due to the Parkinson's style of camera work.

One other stand out in a movie that is shot in 9 days is the multiple locations and how good they all look. They did a smart job filming this movie so quickly in so many different places, and I applaud that time management aspect. However, maybe more time could have been spent on a more personal movie with time spent to develop a better plot and story instead of cramming in all of this epic Zombie Apocalypse stuff. I still have to give it props either way as it is impressive, but it doesn't help the movie for me at all.

So, Automaton Transpooper is a complete waste of time, and I can't even suggest it to hardcore fans of Zombie films and low budget horror movies. There's potential, sure, but it is wasted on the wrong things. Filmmakers that are too concerned with the music and trying play hip and cool, instead of focusing on a decent story and originality. I have no desire to ever see this movie again, however, I do have the slightest of interest in the sequel just to see if anything was learned form the downfalls of the first film. I will add one more thing before I go, and it is positive. If you are a budding Independent filmmaker, Automatic Carwash does have a decent behind the scenes doc and commentary that will prove to be a helpful tool for those looking to learn a little somethin'-somethin'. Though, you have to skip over the two music videos that are included on the disc...