The Horror Hangover

After a whack ass schedule last week, this Sunday gives us a line-up worthy of even the most ferocious of hangovers. So if you're feeling the aches and pains of an evening gone drunk, then let me protect you from the pain of having to figure out what is on this afternoon, so you can focus on erasing the memories of who you almost boned last night. 

We'll start our day off with a SyFy animals gone wild, mutated, or whatever scientifically plausible excuse used that makes them eat people, or each other, blowout! First up is Dinocroc (2004) at 9:00, a movie that realizes crocodiles just aren't scary enough on their own, so it may be best to add a little dinosaur in there to spice things up. Funny, aren't crocodiles kind of like dinosaurs? We got any herpetologists reading? If so, maybe you can help with the 11:00 film, Snakehead Terror (2004), about a fish bigger than Shaq with a snake's head for a ummm…head, naturally. Following Snakehead Terror, SyFy then gives us a double dose of my favorite movie monster, the shark, with Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) at 1:00 and Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009) swimming closely behind at 3:00.

Oh, is that SyFy gold not good enough for you? Fine, going back to 10:00, TBS brings the pain with the film that made Jackie Chan a household name, Rumble in the Bronx (1994). It's not one of his best films, and while it's no Super Cop or Drunken Master, Rumble is a blast and fun for a million and one reasons. One of them not being that annoying asshole kid in the wheelchair who cannot stop complaining about his cushion. Seriously, that little prick almost gives Franklin from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre a roll for his money when it comes to most annoying character of all time.

Things don't slow down after that, though, when AMC keeps the Asian action coming with, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story (1993) at 12:00. Great biopic about a man beyond any praise I am capable of. Jason Scott Lee (who I loved in Mallrats) plays Bruce Lee wonderfully, and even though I have seen this film many times, I can always leave it on and watch it at any point when it plays on television.  

Immediately following Dragon, AMC gives us our final film this afternoon with the tough guy classic, Above the Law (1988) at 2:30. A salt and peppered Henry Silva vs. Steven Seagal before he got fat and developed that special Seagal-sense that he uses to catch criminals in New Orleans. Man, New Orleans is so lucky… 

Not a bad way to go out for this edition of The Horror Hangover, if I do say so myself. Now you have a nice variety of cinema to enjoy, but really it's a choice between Martial Arts movies and cheesy SyFy films. You're welcome.