FEARnot?!

Earlier today, Marc Patterson of Brutal as Hell made a call-to-arms in support of FEARnet's HD cable channel. Some time back in June of last year I had done a post expressing my anticipation for finally having a horror channel on the horizon, specifically one that has a solid library of films that have been built up over the years through FEARnet's wonderful VOD service. In October of last year, FEARnet dropped a 24/7 horror network that's programming consists of an array of horror cinema covering everything from classic to modern, as well as FEARnet original series, all of which are properly broadcast in HD.

Now, the only issue with such a grand channel built specifically for movie fans that love to hear things that go bump in the night is, FEARnet HD is only available through Verizon FiOS (channel 197). Personally, I do not have Verizon FiOS due to it not being available in my area, and I will take the gamble and guess that there are many of you out there that suffer from this same problem. So, what's a ghoul to do? Well, for one, you can stop by the FEARnet website, and with a few simple clicks you can request that your local cable company carry FEARnet HD. CLICK HERE, then click on the thingy that says 'Get FEARnet HD', and the rest is history.

Seriously, most if not all of you out there right now are horror fans, so there is no reason that all of us cannot band together to give ourselves something great. It's easier than burning a bra or making a sign, so get to it, why don't cha? Look at their upcoming lineup for March if you aren't convinced yet…March Highlights.   

Snowbeast: Fur is so 1980

Deep in the frigid mountains of Colorado, the proprietors of the Rill Lodge Ski Resort have come under attack by a creature so vicious, even John Denver's succulent voice cannot stop it. A monster that feels not the pain of the winter's biter cold as it is driven by a thirst for blood that can only be quenched by that of yuppie skiers decked out in Fluoro ski suits. Many have heard of Bigfoot, Yeti, the Abominable Snowman, but they all fail in comparison and can do nothing more than bow down before the ultimate elemental survivor, the Snowbeast! What's the difference between all of these creatures? Actually, outside of coat color, I don't think there really is, but the name Snowbeast does have a badass ring to it, now doesn't it?  One thing I am sure of is, things are about to get rocky up in these here mountains. 

This 1977 made for television horror film uses the often imitated Jaws formula but does add a whole lot of skiing to the mix. Not water skiing, mind you…that was in Jaws. I mean real skiing. Not that water skiing isn't real skiing or anything, I just mean the kind of skiing that is done on slopes that are made of compacted snow and ice. I would hate to insult my waterskiing readership in any way. Anyways, it's the 50th Annual Winter Carnival at the Rill Lodge and Ski Resort and a record turnout is expected for this festival of fun in the clouded sun. Things are going just peachy, that is, until two girls are attacked by a SNOWBEATS (sorry, I'm so pumped I can't even seem to spell it right!)! One of the girls gets away, which is hysterical because without even a hint of hesitation, she takes the fuck off at the first sound of this mythic creature, leaving her so called friend behind to get her ass eaten up.

Now, this poses a serious problem. You see, generally when people are killed by Snowbeasts, winter carnivals are cancelled, right? Wrong. Don't forget, this is the 50th winter carnival and there is no way in hell some Snowbeast is going to stop such a joyous event. It's the 50th, man! That shit only comes around every few years, so there is no chance that it can just be cancelled due to some human hungry creature - with an incredible fur coat - ripping skiers to shreds. The resort's owner, Carrie Rill (Sylvia Sidney), convinces her grandson and resort manager, Tony (Robert Logan), that if they just tape off the area where the Snowbeast attacked and possibly may have KILLED the girl, all would be just fine. Tony begrudgingly goes along with it because it is his grandmother's place, and who knows…maybe the MURDER is just a fluke. Nothing to worry about at all.

While all of this nasty Snowbeast nonsense is happening, one of Tony's old friends, Gar (Bo Svenson) and his wife Ellen (Yvette Mimieux), show up in the hopes that Gar can find work at the resort. Gar - an Olympic ski champion, not the guy from Mask - has fallen on hard times, but thankfully for him, Tony's got a spot for him and apparently, Ellen has a spot for Tony. A hot spot, if you will. You see, at one time Tony and Ellen were a thing, but life happens, they separated ways and Ellen went off and married Gar. Now it seems very clear that Ellen is ready for a little ride down Tony's ski pole, but Tony avoids the advances, and I think I know why…

See, Tony and Gar share a whole lot of one-on-one time together in Snowbeast. Enjoying meals together, swimming in hot springs together (in their underwear, naturally), lounging around in bathrobes together and had it not been a made for TV affair, I'm sure they would have tried to make cute little snow resort babies together too. It was the track in which they were on, there is no denying the signs.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only thing that can keep these two man thirsty bears focused on something outside of each other is hunting down a massive, hairy, powerful monster with big feet that would love nothing more than to eat them right up. Oh, my. These mountains are vastly rockier than I would have expected. Yeah, that's three Rocky Mountain High joke attempts. What of it?

Snowbeast came out in 1977, and with that comes a nice retro aesthetic filled with stylish ski clothing, some great hair and a ski lodge that is to die for. And I am a sucker for 70s fashion and décor, so Snowbeast gets a few easy points right there. However, much like many films from the time, Snowbeast moves pretty slowly overall, with multiple scenes where you simply just watch assorted characters skiing for what seems like days on end. Granted, the skiing is actually nicely shot, but a solo-search scene via skis that lasts for a good five minutes is a bit much to ask of from an audience. Skiing is great to watch and all, but I'd prefer a little more Snowbeast in my Snowbeast.

As I mentioned beforehand, Snowbeast is essentially a Jaws rip-off, so with that comes the less you see, the scarier it is approach. I'm not too sure that director Herb Wallerstein was able to obtain that less is more quite like the classic killer shark film. What worked in Jaws was how perfect the tension was built, but also the characters and their interactions with one another were all more than enough to keep most people on that hook during the non-shark moments. Nevertheless, when on screen, the Snowbeast looks cool enough, and I love me a good old cheap claw attack here and there if not for how silly it is. There are a few decent pay off scenes, one in particular being when the titular creature attacks the snow queen ceremony, as well as a decent little cabin attack. 

It's a made for TV movie from the 70s, so it's pretty much what you would expect, I suppose. It's not too violent, not too scary and not all too good but it isn't terrible either. It works as a nice little winter horror film that makes for a perfect background watch while you're doing something else. Like skiing.

The Horror Hangover

With the holiday season now upon us, as well as me being a bit pickier with my movie choices as of late, things might be getting a little scarce around here at the good ol' Horror Hangover. Most every movie on TV is a Christmas one, and while I certainly do enjoy me a good, or even bad, Christmas movie from time-to-time, there aren't many feel good holiday movies that could actually make the cut. It takes something special, and you will know what I mean by special when the time comes, if it does indeed come. I don't even know what that means…trying to be all cryptic and shit.

Anyways, let's get on with the hangover. As I said, it's a short one, but it packs a heck of a punch, and that is certainly the case with our first film, Hero, which is on IFC at 10:25. If you've never had the chance to check out this magnificent Martial Arts film, then you need to do yourself a favor and sit down and watch it. It has a cast that is simply to die for, a powerful story and amazingly choreographed fight scenes that are only enhanced by just how beautiful the film looks in every capacity. Even if you aren't down with Martial Arts cinema, then you need to get over it and watch Hero. I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

 

Next up, we can all head over to Sundance for a 1:40 showing of Capturing the Friedmans, a documentary about a family that is torn apart when a father and son are investigated for child molestation. I've actually not had the chance to catch up with this one yet, but have heard great things about it for quite some time, and it is sitting in my Netflix instant queue just waiting for the right moment. I don't have Sundance, so I won't be catching it this time around but with its quality reputation, I figured it was worth sharing.

And since this is such a scant hangover, I'll toss in a bonus one with The Walking Dead on AMC, which is showing every episode starting as 4:30 and going right on up until the season finale at 10:00! I've really enjoyed the show thus far and cannot wait to see how things end, though, I do not look forward to the long wait in store before the next season begins.

The Horror Hangover

It's the long holiday weekend for many of you out there in internet land, and between one of the biggest drinking nights of the year, the overindulgence of Thanksgiving, the stress of Black Friday and now the weekend, you crazy bastards must be straight toast by now. Well, my dear readers, I am here to spread the buttery love that is only known as The Horror Hangover all over your fragile self, so please, lay flat and let me spread away.

It's a very short and easy (*insert mom joke here*) hangover for this fine afternoon as every movie I deemed worthy will be found over at AMC, so you really don't even have to move. Well, outside of maybe leaning your head over the edge of the couch for a good vomit, but that should be all. Starting things off - and in an odd coincidence wherein this hangover ties in with the most recent Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party – our first film of the day comes to us in the form of an unstoppable killing machine, The Terminator, which is making its nude appearance at 10:30.

If a sci fi version of a Slasher film isn't your bag, but you yearn for some Arnold in your day (and I mean, who doesn't need a little Arnold in their day?), then don't go too far as 1:00 gives us one of cinema's toughest action films ever created, Predator. Biceps, big-BIG guns, lots of sweat, great one-liners and a badass monster, and it's all right there for the taking.

You know what, though? Maybe you need a little more Predator in your day, and you could even go for a nice dose of Lethal Weapon. Well, go no further because AMC is showing Predator 2 at 3:30. While it goes without saying that I love The Terminator and Predator, many are divided on Predator 2. Some hate it, some enjoy it. Me, I have always found it to be a fun follow-up, and the urban setting is a pretty awesome one if you ask me. So there you have it.

That'll do it this time around. Hope you all have had a great holiday weekend and we'll see you next time!

The Horror Hangover

Hey-hey, hangers! It's another Sunday, so I suppose it's time for the freshest edition of, The Horror Hangover. Brought to you by: The impending doom that is Christmas shopping and the alcoholic binge we will all have to go on to deal with all that shit, and Under Armor. It's not the bulkiest of Hangovers, but it will do with a few films of that are of extreme quality and a few that might lack said quality.  

We can set our first destination to AMC, where they have a nice little Alien marathon starting at 9:00 with the original Alien, followed by Aliens at 11:30 and rounding out the xenomorphic day is Alien 3 at 2:30. I mean, that's really a decent way to spend your afternoon, and I think the Alien sequels especially make for great hangover food.

Now, we can all join hands and head on over to SyFy for the last few films on today's "short stacked" hangover. Starting us off is a film featuring a little man with a heart of gold, and that would be Leprechaun 3, which is showing at 11:00. You gotta love the Leprechaun films for what they are…fun, fun and filled with lots of puns. Also, this third entry is directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith, so you know that it will have something to enjoy. Whether or not it's actually good is another matter.

Last movie for the day is the obnoxiously titled, Wes Craven Presents Dracula III: Legacy, which is making it's way onto TV screens across America at 1:00. I have seen the first two Dracula 2000 set of films, and they were okay enough, I suppose. Who knows what is in store with this one, but I am sure someone out there has an answer for me.

That's all for this episode of, The Horror Hangover. Until next time!

The Hunky Action Hangover

Eh, it does have a nice ring to it but the only reason for this one time name change is the fact that the only two movies worth a damn on cable television today come in the form of hunky action stars in their respective hunky action roles. Hunky being subjective, I would assume, specifically with the first film on todays hangover, which comes to us in the form of the Sly Stallone actioner, Cliffhanger, playing on AMC at 10:00. I have never had the chance to catch up with Cliffhanger and for no other reason than I just haven't. I have, however, seen Oscar. In the theaters. I am slightly ashamed of all that I have confessed to today. Please, forgive me.



One film that I have seen, and many time, is our next and finale movie of this wicked short hangover, and that would be Road House, showing at 3:00 on VH1. Now, when you think action hunks, it get no hunkier - and more homoerotic - than one Pat Swayze in his ballet inspired martial arts prime. Mix that in with a little fatherly figure love from Sam Elliott, a monster truck, a handful of great barroom brawls, a hot blonde doctor and a whole lot of olive oil, and you have yourself the perfect movie to help with that vicious hangover.


That is all for today…until next time, my dear friend. Until next time.

The Horror Hangover

Holy hangover, Batman, it's The Horror Hangover. Sorry, that's a lame ass way to start off a post. You deserve better than that. You deserve better because it is you that suffers from the horrors you have put your body through in the past 24 hours. It's not even so much you that has caused this as much as it is the disturbing amount of alcohol that made its way down your throat, the 3 packs of Parliament Ultras that you smoked and the dirty person you poked afterwards. It happens. So let's start over again…My name is Matt, and I would like you to take a load off after your rough evening and enjoy, The Horror Hangover. Presented by Stayfree.  

We'll kick this bitch off over at SyFy for a triple thrash threat of incredible special effects and story lines, starting at 11:00 with Cyclops, a film about a Cyclops. Following Cyclops, SyFy spins a web of mystery and suspense with Ice Spiders at 1:00. I've seen Ice Spiders and it is terrible, sure, but it's also pretty fun, so in the pantheon of SyFy films, Ice Spiders is a go in my book. Keeping with the mutated animal theme, SyFy shows a movie that I actually have been wanting to see for some time now (I'm serious), and that's Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus at 3:00.

Speaking of sharks, AMC is showing Deep Blue Sea at 3:30. Now, I hate and have a Deep (blue) SEAded fear of sharks. Like, it's really bad. However, I love Deep Blue Sea and think it's simply a fun giant monster movie made in the truest of B-Movie fashions. Even though I have seen it quite a few times, I am still such a pus about sharks that I shudder at the idea of watching the movie and seeing one of those disgusting assholes open their mouth. So it's all you.

Ending the day, we head over to TNT for a back-to-back does of Tarantino's Kill Bill films, starting at 3:00 with Kill Bill: Vol. 1, with Vol. 2 immediately afterwards at 5:15. Funny enough, as I am writing this, Vol. 2 is on TNT, and I just watched the trailer fight scene between The Bride and Elle Driver. I couldn't resist. Love both the Kill Bill films, especially the first one, so my recommendation is a no-brainer. If you don't have time to watch the films, take a minute and watch the whole bloody affair below.   

Freddy's Halloween Dance Party!: The Midnight Hour of Power Edition!

The time is finally here, tonight is the night where everyone can be a little more evil than they normally are, a night where all hell is free to reign its sinful ways through the most innocent of people. This is the night where the freaks DO come out, and they come out in droves to dance and celebrate with pizzazz. This is a night when even the hideous can cover up and become attractive, a night where the beautiful can disfigure themselves and become frightening, a night where we can all become something other than what we are. It's All Hallow's Eve, or, All Hallow's Evil if you are looking to have a little fun with things, and that's what we are here to do tonight in this special Halloween edition of Freddy's (not quite) Friday Night Dance Party! 

Tonight's special dance of the dead is brought to us by the 1985 made for television Halloween treat, The Midnight Hour. The song, Get Dead (which is often mistakenly referred to as I'm Dead, You're Dying), is performed by one of the film's stars, Shari Belafonte-Harper, who would also be the sassy little vixen giving us this fantastical performance we have here.

While I do own what I believe is an unopened VHS copy of The Midnight Hour (it's in one of many boxes of VHS tapes I have), I have not seen it since it played on television in the 80s. It's clearly a fun film based off of this clip, and I remember it being so, but I also recall it being pretty scary for a made for TV movie that played on ABC, particular the graveyard scene where the creatures rise from their graves. I know Anchor Bay released the movie on DVD some time after the VHS had come out in '99, but The Midnight Hour seems to be pretty rare and just as under known, or at least under mentioned. It's a shame that it isn't played on TV every year during Halloween, but I think I may have to do a little digging to see if I can find it and take another long overdue look at it.

Either way, I hope you all are having a great Halloween, and I hope the spooky filled day has spilt over into an equally spooky night with plenty of haunts to remind you why Halloween is truly the best time of the year! 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

The Halloween Hangover

Well, it's Halloween, and as I was putting together all the films that would have been featured on this special Halloween edition of The Horror Hangover, I realized that there are so many movies to be seen that I wouldn't be able to do more than simply list them. There are a shit ton of movies and Halloween related marathons of all sorts showing on TV today, which is to be expected, so I thought why don't I make this Hangover a special one and pick only a handful of films that I think that everyone should watch today, if you already haven't made movie plans, that is.

First up, AMC has really stepped it up this season with a much stronger and more diverse line-up of horror movies than they have in years. Often criticized for only showing the 4th and 5th Halloween films constantly, this Halloween AMC has a Halloween (the film series) marathon with the crowing jewel being Halloween III: Season of the Witch, which is on at noon. The reason for my pick of this underappreciated gem is because I have always loved it, even before it was kinda cool to say so, but more so because it's never on TV. Out of all the Halloween films that get major airplay at this time of year, Season of the Witch is always left behind, standing there with an empty trick or treat bag, all sad looking. How can you turn down such a sweat little maggot ridden face?

My next pick for the day comes later on when Turner Classic Movies waxes that ass with a 6:15 showing of House of Wax. You know, it would do you no wrong to just leave TCM on all day long if you ask me, but I specifically love the original remake House of Wax quite a bit and you know it will look as nice as it can on TCM. And really, what's better than the dramatics of the great Vincent Price? 

Now, while I would consider sitting through Carpenter's Halloween, or Romero's Night of the Living Dead the smart way to go on Halloween, films like that are all just a little too obvious. Instead, I will make my third pick a fun one and go with the sequel to last year's mega-hit, My Super Psycho Sweet Sixteen 2, showing at 6:00. To be honest, I only watched a few moments of the first film (but I still really wanna see it!), but whenever I saw the trailer for this (la)M(e)TV production, I must admit, I got kind of stoked. I'm a stickler for a bad Slasher, and for whatever odd reason, I think MSPSS2 looks like it could be a fun one.

 

Last but certainly not least, we head back to AMC for the television event of the decade, the 10:00 premier of The Walking Dead, with a replay at 11:30. I mean, do I really need to say why this is a pick? You were planning on watching it anyway, but how could I not list it? Why are there so many questions? Why are my pants not on?

Hey, don't go too far as tonight brings forth a brand new Halloween episode of the hottest dance show on television, Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! I know it's not Friday, but bear with me here. Sea-ya-then, pumpkin punchers!

The Horror Hangover

Not too much of a surprise that with Halloween only one week away (where does the time go? Seriously?!), we are graced with a hangover worthy of the Great Pumpkin, Robert Z'Dar. I know, most people don't know that Z'Dar is the Great Pumpkin, but I mean, who else could it be? Anyways, as I was saying, this is a potent hangover for sure, so if you're feeling a lot like you were raped by the Great Pumpkin with how much you drank last night, then we are here to give you a little something to take your mind off things. 

Why not go ahead and get SyFy out of the way, shall we? They start the day for us with a double does of men with runny noses with a 9:00 showing of Boogeyman, followed by Boogeyman 2 at 11:00. If those two films are snot good enough for you, then SyFy follows them both up with the film adaptation of Clive Barker's The Midnight Meat Train at 1:00. Surprisingly, that film does not star Peter North.

Okay, three down and a whole lot more to go! Yeah!! Can you feel the pump yet?!?! Well, you will once we head on over to AMC, which is surprisingly not showing Halloween 4 and 5 on a continuous loop. Yet. They start us off with a handful of family pets gone wrong Stephen King stories, starting with Pet Sematary at 9:45, followed by that big ol' lug, Cujo, at 11:45.

Not to be stopped, AMC keeps us going with a 1:45 showing of 1999's House on Haunted Hill, followed by that film's sequel, Return to House on Haunted Hill, at 3:45. And because we're on a role and I don't feel like stopping while the horror train is at full speed, AMC keeps the rest of our hungover Sunday a horror filled one with Constantine at 5:30, followed by zombies on meth in 28 Days Later at 8:00, and ending AMC's day is Jeepers Creepers 2, which is showing at 10:45 PM.

That about does it for movies, but I do have a few more tricks down my pants still, so don't go running off just yet. The first one comes to us from Biography and their new documentary, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Inside Story Pt. 1, which is showing at 4:00, followed by the second part at 6:00. That's four hours, with commercials, of Freddy docu-action, so I find that to be exciting, that's for sure. Now, the description states that it has all new interviews and all that jazz, but it is odd that there is yet another beefy Nightmare doc in such a short amount of time. So anyone with some info, please, share with the rest of the class.

And last, but certainly not least, The Travel Channel is showing Ghost Adventures from 9:00AM to 11:00PM!! WHAT?!?! There's no reason that you should not at least make some time in your day to spend a few moments with Zac Bagans, his bod and the other guys that no one care about. 

That does it for me, kiddies…enjoy your hangover as best you can.

The Horror Hangover

Halloween is rapidly approaching us, and I sure as heck know that this slow build-up has me in the spirit for some spirits, if you get my draft. The weather is simply perfect for a nice beverage or two, in fact, it's almost too nice, which can result in too many, which can equal a downfall where you loose all sense of direction and find yourself in some nasty person's bed the next morning. Seriously though, there are worse things, like that nasty person being in YOUR bed, in which case the hangover is simply intensified by at least four. Maybe even five depending on if any of your parts have a strange tingle afterwards.

Well, if you have fallen into the trap of overindulgence, then you came to the right place to recuperate, The Horror Hangover. With it being Chucktober and all, I thought I would try and add some flavor to your bitter bear face by bringing in a few Halloween/Horror non-film treats for you. Unfortunately, this only resulted in one find, Ghostly Encounters, which is on Biography at 11:30. It's called Ghostly Encounters, so I will assume that it has something to do with ghosts, maybe? The info for the show said the episode deals with generational spirits, meaning, it will about folks with ghostly visits from their ancestors. I'm sure it will be captivating.  

Okay, now we can all pack up and head over to SyFy for an 11:00 showing of, Death Tunnel. Now, chances are if you're a guy (or possibly a girl) that spends a lot of time at dive bars, then there is a good chance that you have run into a few Death Tunnels yourself, resulting in a call to the doctors office about your malfunctioning train. However, that is not the Death Tunnel we're talking about today, instead, Death Tunnel is the movie that has this for a poster…

It's all you.

Don't go too far, as our next film, Intermedio, is on SyFy at 1:00. I was thinking this one sounded familiar, then I saw that Cerina Vincent is in it and I then remembered that it was just featured on a recent Hangover. So yeah, it probably won't be very good, sure, but as I said, it does have some Cerina Vincent, which is a lot better than what can often be found in a SyFy film. 

Now, even if you're not into sex-pots like Vincent - or you prefer your meat to have an outie instead of an innie - then SyFy is showing Ghost Voyage at 3:00. And no, despite the title, Ghost Voyage isn't a sequel to Ghost Ship but it does star Antonio Sabato Jr., who is best known for his roles in…uhhh…errr…ehhh….oh, he was in an episode of Charmed! I knew I recognized him from somewhere.

Well, with the way this Hangover has gone so far, sleeping in may not be a bad idea, but at least TCM is nice enough to show us what it's made of with a 12:30 showing of Earth vs. the Flying Saucers. The title tells you everything, though, I wonder if Harryhausen was inspired by Antonio's fat nipples for his flying saucer designs?

 

That's all for now, kiddies…hope to bring you some better quality cinema with next week's films, but for now, hang and hang hard.

The Horror Hangover

The season is a changing, and with that comes a chill in the air that I find to be quite refreshing, especially when my hand is furnished with a beverage of high alcohol content. It helps fight off the germs that are all around us with all of those nasty peps wiping their nose and putting their fingers in their mouth and shit. However, too much alcohol can just open you up to allow that sickness to lay it down on you hard, resulting in one hell of a hangover. So heed my warning good people of the internet, drink and drink a lot, but stay away from people with crusty gloves or you will regret it in the morning.

With that said, if you do suffer from any sort of illness, hangover or even both, then I am here for you, every Sunday (well, almost), to help you survive the day with the warmth of a good movie (well, almost). 

We begin the hangover with a double dose of decent hyperactive action films over at USA, staring at 10:00 with Smoking Aces, followed by Shoot 'Em Up at 12:30. I enjoyed both of these films, with Shoot 'Em Up being a fun but totally moronic action movie that has an opening that is quite laugh out loud from what I remember. Smoking Aces, on the other hand, was surprisingly good and had a lot more going for it than what the movie was sold as.

If you're in the mood for some action, then USA is the place to go, if you are in the mood for something far worse, then make your way to SyFy. Their slate this fine afternoon consists of a film called Rock Monster at 1:00, followed by Ray Harryhausen's Cyclops (with Eric Roberts!) at 3:00. Now, wouldn't it have made more sense to show Cyclops at 1:00 instead of 3:00, and is that the dumbest joke I have ever crafted? The answer is to be determined…

If you might have a taste for something that is a little more on the classic side to fulfill your horror needs, the Fox Movie Channel has you covered with 1958's The Fly at 1:00 and that film's follow-up, Return of the Fly, at 3:00. Nothing can fulfill and rescue an afternoon of previous evening guilt quite like a little Vincent Price, not even a CGI Cyclops. I don't think I even have this channel, but if I did, this would be the way to go for me, as I find films from the mid-60's and before to be quite nice to relax to while couch laden. 

Now the decision is yours to make, so enjoy the day the best you can feeling the way you do, and may you pick a film that makes you feel a little better than dead. 

The Horror Hangover

Well, this week is certainly not amazing, but it is a step up from the previous week, and that is thanks to a few choice films that we have on slate for today. However, as Halloween creeps closer and closer with each week that passes, I expect the Hangover to grow faster than Tom Hanks in Big. Anyways, enough useless nonsense from me…why don't you all climb aboard the S.S. Horror Hangover and we can get started on our journey.    

Hmm…where to start first…okay, we can head over to FX for what is a solid day of movie watching, starting in the wee hours of 9:30 with the film, Jawbreaker. It's funny, I saw this movie back when it came out and I remember very little about it outside of it being an attempt at a modern version of Heathers. I also remember thinking it was pretty decent too, but that was a long time ago now, so who knows just how good the film actually is. Either way, a bitchy Rose McGowan is always a joy to watch if you ask me.      

After you recover from your sore jaw, you can keep it on FX for today's next film, which is 30 Days of Night at 11:30. Meh, I loved it when I initially watched it, the second time however, the flaws came flooding in with the quickness. Ben Foster is annoying, which is almost always the case, and the vampires were corny as all hell. Seriously, the language they use is hysterical, and the way they constantly growl and try to bite at the air just makes things all the more ridiculous. Close your mouth dude, you look lame. Outside of those important issues, the movie is pretty cool.  

Staying with FX for one more film, 2:00 gives us a monster of a good time with Cloverfield. Perfect? No, but I absolutely love Cloverfield and totally bought right into the awesome marketing, and I still find myself falling victim to any possible hint towards a sequel. Like, I am convinced that Let Me In is actually Cloverfield 2. Definitely a great film to watch whilst laying in your hangover induced death bed.

Now that we are moving on and away from FX, we can take a quick, and I mean quick, trip to SyFy for the barf they have on tap for the day. I can get into a cheesy end of the world SyFy movie from time to time, but when they show them, they show them all, and they do it often. I'm over it, so I'll blast through this one for the sake of my sanity.

11:00 Meteor

1:00 Supernova Part no-fun 

3:00 Supernova Part pooh

Done.

Okay, now if you do want to spend some time with an apocalyptic film that is actually good, head over to IFC for a 3:00 showing of Right at Your Door. Great, simple and very intimate little film, Right at Your Door trades in wild happenings for a scenario that could certainly ring very true in our modern times, thus, making it pretty frightening.

That does it for today kiddies…I'll see you all the next time around. 

The Horror Hangover

Finally, after a two week hiatus, The Horror Hangover is back and as mediocre as ever! I would love to be all sly and joking about that but this is not the cream of the crop as far as hangovers go. However, there is at least enough to motivate you all to wake from your deep slumber, grab the remote and wait for the pain to end.

As I said, there isn't a whole lot on, so I thought I would get fancy and include a TV show today, but it is a show that fits like a glove here at the hangover. Starting our day is a special episode of Ghost Adventures: The Beginning at 10:00 on the Travel Channel. This is actually the two-hour documentary that would go on to influence the series, so I certainly think it's kosher to include it, and if you have not seen the show before, then it is a must. In fact, here are four reasons why you should. 

The forth reason is clearly Zak Bagans and his bod, of course. Speaking of bods, you might want to gas up that monster truck, 'cause we're taking a trip to the Road House at 1:30 over at VH1. I mean, this is Road House we're talking about here people, it's a tough guy classic starring the late great Pat Swayze, Pat's butt, Sam Elliott, Sam's mustache AND beard and a whole lot of ass kicking. No more need be said.  

And taking us to an early death, SyFy will occupy the rest of the hangover with a slew of movies I am positive will deliver the goods. First up is the Tobe Hooper film, 2005's Mortuary, which is showing at 11:00. Hooper really fell off pretty hard, unfortunately, but I won't front, the trailer looks okay in a ridiculous and fun way. Still, I also read not one thing to support that thought, so I feel inclined to believe it isn't very good.

 

Next up on the SyFy platter of poop is a film titled Intermedio, which is showing at 1:00. The film is about a group of teens that are plagued by dangerous ghosts while being trapped in a Mexican border tunnel. Intermedio has a worse IMDB score than even Mortuary, but it does star Cerina Vincent, something I can certainly deal with.

Well, our day is now coming to a close with our last film, which is a 3:00 showing of The Cursed on SyFy. I'm beginning to think we may be the ones that are cursed with what SyFy is making us sit through this Sunday, but at least it's all over, right? Well, hopefully next week is a little better, but please make sure to brush your teeth before me meet. Yo shit smell like dragon farts.

The Horror Hangover

Here we are once again to bring you the best cure for a hangover - which is to just lay there crying and hoping for death while watching movies, essentially - and this day gives us a slew of worthwhile televised cinema to drool to throughout your painful afternoon. So, try and pull yourself together, go grab a cup of coffee, take a draught beer dump, wish for death, then sit that ass back down for The Horror Hangover.    

10:00 gets us started as AMC beats its own chest in the hopes of causing a wicked bruise when they show their Fear of Mark Wahlberg. Can you blame them, dude was down with the funky bunch for crying out loud. In all seriousness, I have always liked Fear, in the guiltiest of ways, naturally, but it is a fun rollercoaster of a ride that hopefully doesn't result in Wahlberg digging deep to Wild Horse for you.   

Next, we head over to IFC for a 10:30 showing of the supernatural thriller, Dark Mirror. I actually reviewed this film for Paracinema waaaay back before I had even the slightest grasp of grammar (like it's better now), and I found it to be a mediocre but worthwhile enough watch. It's a pretty low budget affair and, with its lead character being a woman under some sort of duress, Dark Mirror has a slight Lifetime quality to it. It does have some good moments as well as a few good ideas to boot, so I can give this a recommend to anyone that can barely handle the conscious world do to alcohol intake.  

Now we can go right ahead and spend the rest of the day with the ever so reliable SyFy. We'll start with an 11:00 showing of Timber Falls, a film I have never seen, but it looks decent enough and the reviews aren't too bad. So it may not be the worst way to spend your afternoon.

After Timber falls, SyFy kicks the map in a creek and ends up taking an unfortunate Wrong Turn at 1:00. Wrong Turn is a solid horror flick with a pretty strong cast, even with Eliza Dushku acting like a dude. Yeah we get it, you're tough because you put your foot up on a log and cross your arms on your knee with an intense look in your eye. Great look, honey. 

Finishing off the day, SyFy follows up Wrong Turn with its sequel, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End, at 3:00. This is a sequel that has shown up on more than one Hangover, and I had not seen it any of those previous times. However, after a $5 purchase from the bargain bin at a soulless superstore, I have finally seen this much applauded sequel and thought it was good…enough. Maybe not as great as everyone claims, but for a direct-to-DVD sequel, it is certainly a solid and enjoyable horror film. However, I am sure everyone that loves the film had shit expectations, were very surprised by it not sucking, then told me so, thus giving me some smidgen of expectation (none of that made sense, did it?). Let me put it this way, I don't regret buying it, especially for the price I paid.

And after all that nonsensical gibberish our day is done, so thanks again for stopping by, and I'll see you next week.

The Horror Hangover

Hey hey hangers, it's time to gear up for another day of wondering how you got home last night - why is there a mixture of apple sauce and angel hair all over your kitchen floor - and who the hell are those people in your bed?! Well, now is not the time to answer these burning questions, as I think it would just be easier to let that shit play out on its own. Kick back, get comfy and prepare once again, for The Horror Hangover. Presented by Taco Bell's Über Taco Nacho Fiesta Torpedo.

Hope you're ready for the insanity of an all Lifetime/SyFy afternoon. To some, that's what life is all about, to others, it's time to head for the hills, even if they do have eyes. Wherever you may fall, the SyFy/Lifetime combo is a lethal one indeed, one that calls for a mixture of hair pulling, CGI monsters, torn women, bad medieval accents and of course, pure gold. Oh, and a fantastic chance that Capser Van Dien may show up somewhere. Or so we hope. 

Where should we start…okay, we'll get rolling with SyFy for an early showing of Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God at 9:30. This is actually a direct-to-DVD sequel to the 2000 D&D film, one that I admittedly have an incredible soft spot for. So I would probably give this a shot if it's on TV and I have nothing else to do, like wash my hair, or feed my cat, or maybe clip my toenails.

Up next, SyFy keeps it moving with Dark Relic at noon. And no, it's not about George Hamilton…he has more of a golden complexion as opposed to dark. Dark Relic is another movie set in the middle ages but with a touch of horror added for fun. From what I read about it, the acting is pretty good, the story is decent, but the film is not the best. But really, what can you expect when there is no Van Dien around?  

At 2:00 SyFy keeps with its Medieval theme with Witchville, witch has a TV Guide description of: A prince returns home and finds that his father is dead and the kingdom has been overrun by witches. Sold.

Finishing off the day for SyFy is In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale at 4:00. Now, I am already tired of this genre just typing about it, but this Uwe Boll film is so entertaining for many reasons. Two of them being Mathew Lillard and Ray Liotta's intense performances. It is pretty terrible, but I have grown to enjoy Boll's films over the years. He makes true modern B-Movies without even trying.    

Boy, this Hangover just got really long all of the sudden, but luckily Lifetime isn't as bulbous as SyFy today, so why don't we head on over there for the last few films of the afternoon. First up comes Devil in the Flesh 2: The Fleshinator at 1:00. Okay, maybe it's not The Fleshinator, but I would imagine that there was a point in time when the thought crossed someone's mind in the marketing department. I can't imagine this one won't be solid – just look at the DVD artwork. 

And finally, our last film of the day, Wicked, comes to us at 3:00. Wicked stars Julia Stiles in one of her earlier roles, and out of everything on today's Hangover, this one seems to be the most interesting, as it is about a young girl that wants to be "with" her dad, and no one will stand in her way, not even her own mother. Kind of gross, but it makes for a perfect Lifetime movie and the perfect ending to this week's Hangover.

The Horror Hangover

Now, THIS is a serious Horror Hangover I have going for you all this Sunday. And boy do you need it, especially after what you were up to last night…singing along to songs from Grease thinking that the girls you were singing along with would ever think about boning you afterwards – taking body shots off of that girl with the bumpy neck – eating bar peanuts…that were on the ground. In the bathroom! So, lucky for you, this hangover is Epic like Faith No More. 

We'll start off with the random stuff to get you rolling nice and smooth. AMC gets us going with Virus at 11:00, a movie that I saw in theaters and hated so much that I never would dare to return. Now, sometimes I wonder if I would possibly find something to enjoy about a film I hated back when I was younger, but I do know I was incredibly disappointed back when it came out. I am curious as to what others think about the film, though.

Next up, the Horror Hangover gets mad funky, with the Martial Arts film, Iron Monkey. At 2:15 on IFC (I didn't want to mess up that flow). I can't recommend Iron Monkey enough, and unless you do not have IFC, you have no reason not to give this high-flying action film a view. For the last random movie of the day, FX does us all right with Doomsday at 4:30. I haven't watched Doomsday since I saw it at the movies, but I did enjoy it and would like to revisit it again at some point, even though that one chick couldn't keep her gonorrhea covered tongue in her mouth for more than ten seconds. Seriously, we get it, you're down with the sickness.

Alrighty, getting into the group rate portion of the hangover, TNT shows its power load with a double dose of revenge action when The Bride tries her damndest to Kill Bill at 2:00, followed by a second attempt at 4:15. I love the Kill Bill films quite a bit and Vol. 1 was on my top 25 of the decade, so no more shall be said.

To finish things off for today, I have a slew of SyFy cinema that is sure to keep you slightly distracted from the stench of your own vodka ridden breath (maybe if you flick your tongue the smell won't be so bad?). Things start off at 10:00 with Boogeyman, followed by Skinwalkers - a film I believe no one has actually seen - at 12:00. Things pick up at 2:00 with The Prestige, only to drop back down at 4:30 with the mediocre and totally disappointing Ultraviolet to finish off the day.

And that does it for this long ass and tiring edition of The Horror Hangover…see you next week ghoulies. 

The Horror Hangover

After that ridiculously off the chain birthday celebration this weekend, I know I am hurting worse than the box office performance of Knight And Day (seriously, how could THAT movie not have been a mega-success?). Now, while this week's Hangover is a bit on the light side, the quality is so absolute that I simply had to share the goodies that are on this Sunday afternoon.

SyFy, for the second week in a row, drops the non-mutated monster animals gone awry act and really brings the pain with a double dose of movies that are sure to stimulate your throbbing noggin. Even if your day is a bit gloomy, I foresee the clouds parting to make way for some Sunshine at 11:00. I have seen Sunshine but only once and really enjoyed how completely gorgeous it looked as well as the interesting story, but in the last 20 or so minutes, things go in an unflattering direction. I would love to see it again, however, and I have no issue with recommending it to you, Mr./Ms. sleepy head.

The good times continue to roll when SyFy puts on a pair of flip-flops and goes on an epic journey with Children of Men at 1:00. This film just recently came up in that meme I did a few days ago, as well as my best of the decade list, so you already know how I feel about Children of Men, but if YOU haven't seen it, or haven't seen it twice, now is the time. Actually, don't even watch it on SyFy, you can buy one of the greatest films ever made at Wal-Mart for a measly $5 bucks and view it without any of the interruptions trying to get you to buy shit. You have no excuse.

Away from SyFy we go for our last film of the day, so follow me as we head over to TNT for some over-the-top evil with The Devil's Advocate at 12:00. I love The Devils Advocate and have seen it numerous times and even own the movie poster. It's in my closet, but I do own it. I like it because it's very different from most horror films and as outrageous as he is in the movie, Al Pacino is super fun to watch. The smile he delivers to Neo when they're at dinner and some random hot chick just ducks under the table for a hot dog desert is simply priceless.

As I said, it is a short Hangover, but one that would perfectly fit the definition of short but sweet. Enjoy your Sunday, kiddies.