Paranormal Entity (2009) En-titties Abound

*Disclaimer!* I wrote a handful of articles for a now defunct e-zine called BthroughZ a number of years back, and when that site went belly up, so did the reviews I wrote for it. I didn’t want to lose the articles I worked so hard to write, so here I am, reposting them here, in all their imperfection, for your mild enjoyment.

With what The Asylum is known for as a film studio - which is to take something that is successful and make a cheap carbon copy of it - Paranormal Activity must have been like finding the Lost Ark for the infamous movie company. Here is a film that only cost around 15k to make, far less than many of the films that The Asylum have taken from previously, which are generally summer blockbusters with budgets higher than a pre-Iron Man Robert Downey Jr.

Paranormal Entity is The Asylum's answer to Paranormal Activity, but from what I gather the budget was quite a bit higher than the 2009 sleeper hit, though, still much lower than the usual Asylum fare. More money doesn't necessarily mean better quality, but it does result in enough cash to get the hot chick in the film to show her breasts more than a handful of times. Still, while being far from perfect, Paranormal Entity is a surprisingly passable and sometimes even effective entry into the Cinéma vérité horror genre.

Paranormal Entity's focus is placed on the Finley’s, a family that is dealing with the recent lose of their father, something that has resulted in the widowed Ellen (Fia Perera) trying to communicate with her recently deceased husband. Surprisingly, Ellen gets a response, but it quickly becomes apparent that the spirit she is in contact with is not that of her late husband. What starts as a small haunting quickly becomes increasingly dangerous as each day passes, with much of the spirit's attention being placed  on Ellen's daughter, Samantha (Erin Marie Hogan).

As is the case with many films of this genre, a character feels the need to try to capture all of these unnatural occurrences on tape, and that someone would be the son of the family, Thomas. Thomas sets up cameras in all three of the bedrooms as well as one in the living room in the hopes of capturing some “paranormal activity.” From that point forward, Paranormal Entity delivers everything one would expect from a low level P.A. cash-in: crosses fall off walls, sheets are pulled off of a conveniently half naked Samantha, doors slam shut, lights flicker, and the Finley family becomes increasingly frightened for their physical safety as things escalate.

While there was more money invested into Paranormal Entity, the decision to keep things minimal was the right way to go as far as recreating a film similar to the one that came to influence it. There are only three thinly-written characters (with a fourth introduced in the final act), with one of them being played by the writer, producer and director of Paranormal Entity, Shane van Dyke. This is a movie that is made in the same 'spirit' (see what I did just there?) as Paranormal Activity, but the results are mixed, showing that what Peli did was one part achievable by anyone with a camera and a buck, while another part proves that those results aren't so easily attainable by just any average Joe filmmaker.

While Paranormal Entity cannot fully deliver what its more respected brethren have, there are a few moments worthy of a solid little jolt. There’s a fair amount of static camerawork on display, which forces an automatic sense of fear and curiosity as it’s hard not to watch every little detail of each room, just waiting for something spooky to happen. The haunting moments themselves are far from stellar and can easily be done by any old schmuck with a camera and a dream. Lights flickering and TVs turning on aren't difficult things to achieve, and neither is the before mentioned covers being pulled off of Samantha, which was hysterically achieved by a very obvious fishing line.

One of the big issues with Paranormal Entity, and with many films of the genre, is it has some serious downtime when there aren't any 'happenings' happening. The characters aren't all too interesting, or even likable for that matter, and there are long moments where things go down the lonely path of boring. There is a portion of Paranormal Entity where Ellen and Samantha leave their home to stay at a hotel, far from the threat of the evil presence that is plaguing them. When they leave, Thomas proceeds to spend a good (well, not literally good) fifteen minutes setting up their house with camera equipment to see if the entity will make an appearance in the absence of his mother and sister. To say this scene is boring and overly drawn out would be like claiming genital warts are not a good look.

Paranormal Entity is pretty straightforward for much of the first half. However, as the runtime ran down, exploitational elements are slowly introduced. This aspect of the film mostly involves the Samantha character, who is clearly threatened in a sexual manner by this unseen menace. As those elements become more prevalent, it also became obvious that this is an Asylum movie. Which is fine, everything needs its place, and I don't mind that place being on my TV from time to time. Nevertheless, Paranormal Entity did, at times, have a good chance at being a contender. In the end, however, the true colors shined through and kept it from fully leaving the playground in which the rest of The Asylum movies normally play.

 

Simon Says (2006): More Like Simon Chews… Up Scenery!

*Disclaimer!* I wrote a handful of articles for a now defunct e-zine called BthroughZ a number of years back, and when that site went belly up, so did the reviews I wrote for it. I didn’t want to lose the articles I worked so hard to write, so here I am, reposting them here, in all their imperfection, for your mild enjoyment.

Tell me if you've heard this one before: five college kids head out to a secluded wooded location for a weekend of rest and recovery, which is code for a weekend of alcohol fueled debauchery. On their way to this wooded party paradise, the group makes a quick stop at a shanty convenience store for supplies such as beer and zig-zags. You know, the essentials. It’s at this point that the group first meets the store's two proprietors, Stanley and his twin brother, Simon.

Now, if Stanley is the normal brother, then Simon––as you would guess from the film's title––is the oddball of the two siblings. However, despite being incredibly strange and just as awkward, Simon knows what he he likes, and when he meets the group of college students, he instantly takes a liking to one of the girls. Unfortunately for the kids, however, Simon has a funny way of showing his affection. Well, funny unless you consider it normal to stalk and kill her friends so he can have her all to himself.

Directed by William Dear, Simon Says is about as clichéd a slasher film as it gets. A group of teens partying out in the woods, only to find themselves in peril, has been done more times than Jenna Jameson. And thanks to a couple of Deliverance style town hicks, the teens even receive a firm warning, followed by a horrific story about an awful death that occurred in the very woods where the teens plan to focus on biblical studies and promise rings.

Yeah, bible studies…

As one would expect, the teen characters in Simon Says do an incredible job of fulfilling the average slasher quota for character stereotypes. You get the slut, the stoner, the ain't-no-fun/ain’t-boning-no-one girl prude, the cool guy and his almost as cool but tired of his bullshit girlfriend. This is a motley crew of truly abysmal characters, and as is often the case with any pairing of these specific stereotypes, I cannot help but wonder why the hell any of them hang out with one another?

If there’s one thing that makes Simon Says a worthwhile watch, it’s the characters of Stanley and Simon as brilliantly portrayed by Crispin Glover. I think it’s obvious to most movie fans that Glover is a bit of an odd duck, and I believe it’s the madness that burns inside of him that worked as an inspiration to play this dual role in Simon Says. And to say that Glover’s performance is over-the-top would be an understatement, as Glover simply GOES TO TOWN, chewing up scenery left and right, and it’s obvious that he’s having a total blast doing it.

The character of Simon brings about the bulk of entertainment value that viewers get with Simon Says. Simon has many a great moment as he stomps down on puppies, drops a few bad (good) puns (he must say "You Forgot to Say…Simon Says!" like 17 times) and runs around in a Ghillie suits like he’s on to catch a predator. Crispin Glover and his bizarre performance are cracked enough to lift Simon Says out of the depths. The acting is bad, the direction is bad, the film is bad, but it's oh so worth a viewing for Glover's performance alone.

Trancers (1985): I Put A Spell On You…

*Disclaimer!* I wrote a handful of articles for a now defunct e-zine called BthroughZ a number of years back, and when that site went belly up, so did the reviews I wrote for it. I didn’t want to lose the articles I worked so hard to write, so over the next few months I will be reposting them here for your enjoyment.

Directed by Charles Band, 1985's Trancers takes place in 2247, a time when the city of Los Angeles is almost completely under water as a result of a devastating ice age. The film follows detective Jack Deth, a tough as nails cop who has been hunting Martin Whistler (Art La Fleur), a criminal who uses psychic abilities to transform weak willed individuals into mindless zombie-like slaves who follow his every command. Personally, I would make them shovel and do dishes.

Using some scientifically accurate time travel technology (so much irony in that line), Whistler escapes to the past - 1985 to be exact - leaving his physical being behind and taking over the body of one of his ancestors. Seeing a prime opportunity to change the future for his personal benefit, Whistler begins killing off the ancestors of governing council members, completely removing them from existence. There is only one person who can stop Whistler from continuing this completely rude killing spree, and that person is Jack Deth, who has been chosen to go back to '85 to stop his arch nemesis and send him back… to the future!

Wait, wrong movie.

While Trancers is a cheap, low-budget science fiction film, it isn't cheap when it comes to the entertainment. Trancers comes in at a scant 75 minutes, and the pacing is really tight with a full-forward momentum that lasts right up and until the final moments. Furthermore, there are a handful of cheesy ‘80s sci-fi staples like the future being drenched in neon, and the effects used to show the waterlogged Los Angeles are poor, forced perspective images mixed with matte paintings. Which I actually love. There's even a punk rock night club scene, complete with wild dancing, a skinhead, and a band doing a shitty version of an even shittier Christmas song. Oh, and of course, what future would be complete without a few lazerz (Zs replace Ss in the future, but how would I know that?)?

Outside of the sci-fi and action aspects of Trancers, the film also has a heavy Film Noir feeling to it, and this is captured with the costuming, some of the set design and even the characters themselves. It's one of the things that I really enjoy about the film, and it also carries over in a big way to the character of Jack Deth, who while being from the future, is a cop right out of the past (our past, not his) with his hard-boiled attitude and cynical demeanor. He’s definitely the cop who plays by his own rules.

Speaking of Deth, the performance by Tim Thomerson, is simply wonderful. He’s got the perfect look, and he plays the gritty cop role as convincingly as anyone else possibly could have. He brings to life a truly entertaining character, one that lights matches off of his teeth and spouts off some fantastic (but not over the top) dialogue. Trancers is the film that made Thomerson a B-Movie star, and while he did have a decent career, he is much more talented than his career would lead one to believe.

Another performance that I enjoyed, surprisingly, comes from Helen Hunt, who plays Leena, Deth's '85 love interest. She has this cute and lively personality that exudes likability, all things which I do not associate with the actress at all. Both Hunt and Thomerson also have a great chemistry together, and the contrast of the spunky and fun character of Leena compared to the jaded and often miserable character of Deth is kind of a cute mix. Like kittens in a bubble bath.  

Even though the story lacks in the originality department, the film brings some smart ideas to the table and serves them up nicely for a cheaply made B-Movie. There is a healthy amount of cheese but that is certainly not a defining aspect of Trancers. The movie has great dialogue and characters, solid acting, lots of action, an enjoyable blend of genres, and most importantly, Trancers is an enjoyable, high energy rollercoaster ride through ‘80s genre cinema.

Dreamaniac (1986): And She’s Killing Like She’s Never Killed Before

Steeped in ‘80s youth culture, David DeCoteau's début feature film, Dreamaniac, takes bits and pieces of all that was popular at the time, particularly heavy metal and the A Nightmare on Elm Street series. With a tagline such as "You don't have to live on Elm Street to have a Nightmare," it is clear that the target audience the film was aiming for was the Freddy crowd. In the same vein, this was a time when heavy metal was at its most popular (and most controversial), so the mixture was a no brainer for any cheap horror film looking to turn a few bucks. Not that that's a bad thing, mind you.

Despite the film's brilliant hybrid title and the promise of a female version of Freddy Krueger, Dreamaniac has very little-to-nothing to do with the dream world. In fact, the only time there is any actual dream sequence would be within the first five minutes where the audience is introduced to Adam (and his ass) and Lilly (re: The Succubus!), the women who Adam has been having sexually driven dreams about. After Lilly puts a kink in Adam's hose by killing him within this opening dream sequence, he wakes up, and this would be about the point where the dream portion of Dreamaniac ends. Maybe it should have been called Awakeiac.

Soon after the opening dream sequence, it is learned that Adam is a professional heavy metal lyrics writer (wait…what?) who is living on his own in a secluded area so he can focus on his work. Oh, and so he can privately focus on his satanic rituals, which he actually uses to bring Lilly out from his dreams and into the real world. To be honest, I'm really not sure why he does this. First off, Adam has a gorgeous girlfriend named Pat (Kim McKamyshe aka Ashlyn Gere!), which is actually a total surprise considering Adam’s style consists of a sleeveless Def leppard t-shirt, gold rimmed glasses, ripped jeans, and short (for a metal guy), blonde feathered hair. You know, the outfit of choice for most any kid who plays Dungeons & Dragons and kills small animals to feed their sexual urges.

Much of the film (well, all) is set in Adam's home, which is being used by Pat's sister to throw a party as a way to get into the good graces of a sorority she is trying to join. The partygoers consist of the usual hipster dweeb, the snotty - but oh-so entertaining - bitch, the lame-o jock, a valley girl, and every other stereotype you can imagine. These would all become the cattle for Dreamaniac's killer, Lilly (Sylvia Summers), as she works her way around the house using her powers of seduction to slay all of its inhabitants. This leads to what is a slew of sexually driven scenes filled with enough male tighty whiteys (and the butts behind them) to have granted a sponsorship from Fruit of the Loom. And with DeCoteau at the helm, it's not a surprise.

While Dreamaniac is filled with some hysterical dialogue (and I mean HYSTERICAL!), terrible music and bad acting, it is a film that tried to be more than just any old cheap ‘80s Slasher film. I've never seen or read anything to support this, but there seems to be a clear Italian influence as far as the film’s style goes. With liberal use of fog, colored gels and stilted camera angles to portray atmosphere, I couldn't help but think that people like Argento, Fulci and possibly Soavi were aesthetically very influential for DeCoteau. Granted, it's not anything to be impressed with, but I commend the attempt at creating a sense of style instead of simply mailing it in.

Released in 1986 by the long defunct and pre-Full Moon distribution company, Wizard Video (which fell under the Empire Pictures umbrella), Dreamaniac is one hell of a good time. Even if it doesn't deliver anything that it promises to, it's worth a watch for any fan of bad cinema looking for a quick chuckle. Furthermore, anyone who is interested in taking a deep look into the inner workings of a heavy metal songwriter will certainly be pleased with this one. Before I sign off, however, I feel I should mention that the VHS box art is simply wonderful, but what really shines most is the pure fact that the crazed looking Clint Howard look-alike is absolutely nowhere to be found in this film whatsoever. Like, not at all. That kind of tells you everything you need to know about Dreamaniac right there.

Who needs the trailer when you can watch the entire film?!

Private Parts (1972): Filthy Fairytale

*Disclaimer!* I wrote a handful of articles for a now defunct e-zine called BthroughZ a number of years back, and when that site went belly up, so didn’t the reviews I wrote for it. I didn’t want to lose the articles I worked so hard to write, so over the next few months I will be reposting them here for your enjoyment.

1972’s Private Parts follows the exploits of an adventurous teenage girl named Cheryl (Ayn Ruymen). When Cheryl is first introduced, it is learned that she stole money from her parents and fled the state of Ohio with her best friend so they could live the high life in Los Angeles. After a less than positive run in with her best friend/roommate, Cheryl steals her friend’s wallet and flees the scene--just as she had done with her parents--to find something better than being judged and yelled at constantly.

With a small amount of cash and nowhere else to go, Cheryl makes her way to a rough area in L.A. and ultimately to her Aunt Martha’s (Lucille Benson) hotel. Not really a hotel as much as an apartment building, Cheryl talks Martha into letting her stay there for the time being, and in return, she will help out around the hotel to earn her keep. Filled with many eccentric and strange residents, this hotel is not the normal stomping ground for a youthful girl such as Cheryl. Furthermore, the hotel is filled with numerous dark and dangerous secrets, most notably being the hotel’s resident serial killer who preys on any unwanted trespassers.

While the hotel has a murderer running around it’s colossal hallways, Private Parts is not a slasher movie. There are certainly some elements, but this one is something entirely different. In fact, I would consider it to be more of a fantasy film, but a fantasy film that is definitely not made for kids. Well, unless they’re feral.

Cheryl’s proverbial ‘rabbit hole’ is the entrance to the seedy hotel, which is filled with fantastical characters who are clearly not facets of a ‘normal’ real world. All of the hotel’s inhabitants are odd and varied in their strangeness, with one character who frolics around dressed up as a priest but really seems to enjoy the company of big strong men. There’s the usual crazy old lady lurking the halls, spewing weird shit about a girl named Alice to anyone who will listen. And then there is George (John Ventantonio), a creepy photographer who mostly keeps to himself, but has some very unhealthy sexual issues.

Cheryl is attracted to George, whose reclusive and dark nature is undeniably appealing to Cheryl, and the two characters come to indirectly play a game of unhinged cat and naive mouse. However, mouse or not,  Cheryl is very much a willing participant in this game, and her fairytale adventure is mostly driven by her curiosity towards sex. Cheryl, who hates being looked at as a child, seems to believe the way to becoming respected as an adult is through sexual activity, and she pursues this activity in a fashion that’s both innocent and very aware.

Cheryl is driven by her sexual desire, and with a wide eyed curiosity she looks to do something that she is not familiar with; something that stimulates her growing feminine needs. Young or not, Cheryl isn’t intimidated by the more ‘out there’ aspects of sexuality. Some of the acts that George asks Cheryl to participate in are things that would creep out the average girl, especially a young one. This is not the case with Cheryl, as she seems to be intrigued by the sexual adventures, possibly seeing them as a way towards being liberated from childhood.

Ayn Ruymen, who plays Cheryl, is absolutely terrific. She is the driving force of the movie, and watching Cheryl slyly navigate the halls of the old hotel--curiously investigating all the little secrets that the hotel has to offer--is very enjoyable. This is really where you see that no matter how sexual she wants to be or thinks she is, Cheryl is just a kid; a child exploring a place that offers curiosities that most girls of her age would find to be taboo. Ruymen, who was much older than the age of her character, captures this youthful inquisitiveness very well, and it’s easy to feel as if you are right alongside Cheryl on her adventure.

While the fantasy and sexual elements are a major part of its DNA, Private Parts still has a lot of horror elements. The hotel setting is creepy and filled with many dark corners, creaky floorboards, and quirky little intricacies that make it a nice visual world for Cheryl to explore. Though they are few and far between, there are also a few murders, but the horror aspect of the film really comes from the undercurrent that something sinister is going on, and very few people seem to be aware of it.

The hotel does harbor a dark history, and this is further compounded by Aunt Martha’s constant warnings for Cheryl to stay inside and keep away from the other tenants. Under a seemingly normal and stable guise, Aunt Martha herself is as odd as the rest of them, especially the way in which her personality can change from one moment to the next. One second, she warns Cheryl to just keep safe and out of sight, and in the next she is preaching abstinence and yelling about how she will not put up with any painted whores in her home. Martha plays the cautionary role, but in true fantasy form, she would appear less than trustworthy. To an extent, Martha is protecting Cheryl, but she is also clearly hiding some very dark secrets.

Private Parts is directed by genre legend Paul Bartel. Bartel’s direction is very solid in Private Parts, with its biggest strength coming from its subtlety. There are little flashes of eye catching style that show up from time to time, but these touches are subtle, which works perfectly for bringing to life the film’s fantastical elements. To go too far with the visuals could have taken away from the base realism of the movie. These slight touches are just small reminders that there is something off about the world that Cheryl is in. It’s a skewed reality but a reality nonetheless.

There is plenty I didn’t touch on in this review of Private Parts, but I plan on touching Private Parts as much as possible, and I encourage you to do the same. It’s an odd little film that will leave you contemplating some of the deeper aspects long after sitting through it, which for me is the mark of great filmmaking.

 

Undefeatable (1994): I’ll Take My Steak Rare and With A Side of Ass

*Disclaimer!* I wrote a handful of articles for a now defunct e-zine called BthroughZ some years back, and when that site went belly up, so didn’t the reviews I wrote for it. I didn’t want to lose the articles I worked so hard to write, so over the next few months I will be reposting them here for your enjoyment.

"Out of the ring, into the fire...in a fight to the finish!" is the battle cry tagline for the 1994 Martial Arts epic, Undefeatable. Funny thing about that tag line though, is there’s only one scene with an actual boxing ring in it. But I suppose that doesn’t matter seeing as the man fighting within this ring is the almighty Stingray, a man so badass that his actual job is to kick ass and kick a lot of it.

With intense baby blues and a full bodied, shoulder length mullet, Stingray (Don Niam) is one of the most intense characters you'll ever see in a direct to DVD karate movie from 1994 starting Cynthia Rothrock. Though, being a super badass is simply not as easy as one would think. I mean, even Stingray’s own wife, Anna (Emille Davazac), is deathly afraid of him. I suppose you really can’t blame her, though. When a normal man comes home from work, a nice hot dinner waiting at the dinner table is pretty friggin awesome. Well, awesome if you're a pussy. When you're Stingray, however, you expect a nice hot piece of Anna ass when you get home from a hard day of busting heads, THEN dinner would come next. Regardless, Anna doesn't quite understand this ‘theory’ and decides that leaving her husband is a better idea than getting raped everyday at 5:22 PM.

Unfortunately for Anna, Stingray has major mama trauma issues, and leaving him just adds fuel to his unstable fire. You simply do not leave Stingray; Stingray leaves you... Dead! Now completely out of his gourd, Stingray sets out to find Anna, but his rage seems to cloud his senses, causing him to mistake any woman who shares Anna's red hair color, and floral dress fashion sense, for being his wife. Apparently, there were numerous red heads rockin' floral dresses back in the mid-90s, because Stingray finds plenty of them. And naturally, he proceeds to rape, torture, and then murder each and every one of them. What’s funny though, is that most of the women who Stingray runs into seem to be - or be with, someone who is trained in the Martial Arts. The chances are low, but in the mid-90s anything can happen. Fanny Pack popularity is my proof of that.

One of the unfortunate Anna look-alikes who happens to cross Stingray's path also happens to have a sister named Kristi, who just so happens to be played by Cynthia Rothrock, who also happens to be the toughest person to ever be in a movie called Fast Getaway. Kristi is not all too thrilled that her sister was murdered, so she goes on a quest to find and kill the man behind her death: Stingray! But before we get into all that, I’d like to take a moment to talk a little bit about Kristi's backstory. Kristi is a straight up street thug, and when she isn't waiting tables and serving lunch at her restaurant job, she's making cash busting heads and serving knuckle sandwiches in underground street fights. Furthermore, Kristi is also the only white chick in an all Asian gang called the Dragon Claws or Paws or some shit. Either way, this is one of the toughest street gangs around with all three members basically being a ‘90s version of the vicious ‘30s street gang known as the Three Stooges.

How does a good-looking white chick get into an all Asian gang? Because she got the skills to pay the bills when it comes to whopping dat ass, and much like a female version of Lionheart (Lionessheart?), Kristi makes a living by fighting in an underground fight club. Through this criminal act, Kristi meets Detective Nick DiMarco (John Miller), who hauls her to jail for her illegal underground fighting activities. Nick is a good cop and a good guy; he is also a pretty sick Martial Artist himself, which is just so crazy considering how many people are so competent at ancient fighting styles in this film. Anyway, Nick sees something in Kristi (*cough* tits *cough*); he sees that she's a good kid who is just a little lost and needs some guidance down the right path... to his pants.  

Nick's spot on thoughts about Kristi are confirmed when he learns that the living she earns by fighting is not necessarily for herself. Instead, she uses the money to pay Anna’s medical school tuition. You see, Kristi wants to see her good-natured sister do well in life and is willing to risk her life by fighting to make that happen. However, in case you might have forgotten, Stingray stung Kristi's sister and Nick happens to be the man on the case, so naturally both Nick and Kristi must come together as a team to find and destroy the menace known as Stingray! Who will end this film as the one who is most Undefeatable? That's up to the one with the most desire to be the best, or the one who can conjure up the most sweat perhaps.

Most people know of Undefeatable from the infamous “Worst and/or best fight scene ever” YouTube clips, but it's so much more than that. It's a Godfrey Ho film, who for some strange reason used his secret name of Godfrey Hall on this Hong Kong produced American action film. Godfrey Ho is infamous for making trillions of Ninja movies in the ‘80s (well, one ninja film used a trillion times). These were the kind of Ninja movies where the Ninjas were proven to be Ninjas because they would have the word Ninja embroidered on their headbands. Undefeatable is not a Ninja film, but it is a Martial Arts film, and one that many might consider to be pretty much trash.

Personally, I could not disagree more. Sure, the film is awful, the dialogue is ridiculous, the acting poor, and all the sets consist of warehouses and factories, complete with steel drums and empty cardboard boxes. With that said, it's entertaining as all hell and for so many reasons, too. Stingray drives a '84 Plymouth Voyager, just like the one my mom had! But unfortunately, my mom never wore a sleeveless jean jacket like Stingray. To go with his jacket of jean, Stingray even spray paints purple stripes down the sides of his hair, because, well, I actually have no idea why he does this but he does, and it's awesome.

While there may be a handful of awkward and, quite frankly, odd moments strewn throughout, the fight scenes are more than competent and, at times, somewhat impressively done. However, a great deal of that credit goes to the cast of well-trained Martial Artists displaying a multitude of fighting styles and techniques. Bad and cheesy Undefeatable may be, but some of these actors are very impressive, and even the sight of John Miller's huge hairy tits cannot distract me from this fact. In all seriousness, Cynthia Rothrock is no joke and is easily one of the highest-ranking female Martial Artists to grace the screen, so it’s always a joy to watch her do what she does best. I must say, however, that I have never been so jealous of the ground than when Rothrock does the splits.

Undefeatable is a mess, but unlike the kind of mess your grandma makes after too much applesauce, it’s a fun mess to spend time with. When the male leads in a film rip off their shirts just to show off their extremely oiled and firm male breasts, or a character is proven to be tough by wearing chains OVER his Champion sweatshirt, it’s a pretty good indication that you should simply let all of your inhibitions go. It's just one of those movies that is a waste of time to hate for being bad, and doing so will do nothing but make you sad inside. If you can embrace the insanity of what you are witnessing on screen, then you too may become... Undefeatable. See ya!

 

Dying to Get (it?) Outta Rain Town

I have a few quick links to share with you all on this dark and stormy evening, with the first being a review for the Zombie/Serial Killer film, Die-ner (Get it?), a movie that forced me to type (Get it?) way more than I ever had planned on doing when I started writing reviews. I'd like to NOT thank Die-ner (Get it?) for that.

You can find my review of Die-ner (Get it?) (AHHHHH!! I GET IT! NOW FUCK YOU!) over at the latest issue of BThroughZ.

Die-ner (Get it?)

After that, I'd like to steer you towards a little place known as Strange Kids Club, where you can watch and read my brief thoughts on Hiroyasu Ishida’s short Anime film, Rain Town. A film that couldn't be more fitting with the state of weather that has been plaguing my area for the past two months. I might have to start wearing a flannel and crying over Kurt Cobain if this shit doesn't clear up soon. 

Rain Town

That's it. I would stay and chat, but I have a free form knitting class at 7:00 AM and I cannot perform well without at least 8 hours of sleep. You know how it is. I promise I'll be back soon with something for CNAMB, you know, since I have been slacking BIG TIME as of late. International super-stardom takes up a ton of time.

Dreaming Maniacally

Yearning to read about a film that takes a deep look into the mind of a heavy metal songwriter, features a '90s pornstar, has numerous guys in their tighty whities, and is filled with a shit ton of fog? Well, have I got the review for you! Over at BthroughZ, I have a freshly wrapped review of David DeCoteau's Dreamaniac, a little slice of '80s cheese that is sure to please even the most lactose intolerant. While there, be sure to check out all the other goodies the issue has to offer, after you read my review of DREAMANIAAAAAAC!!!, of course. I don't think falsetto translates to the written word too well.   

ATTENTION!!! This is future Matt-suzaka, and sadly BThroughZ no longer exists, so here is a link to my review of Dreamaniac which is now located on the very blog you are reading! Enjoy!

Click it or ticket

Exposing my Full Moon at Cheerleader Camp

Taking a leap back, I have here not one but TWO destinations for you all to check out on this fine evening. First up, over at the newest issue of BThroughZ, you can check out my review of the 80's Slasher flick, Cheerleader Camp. Staring Leif Garrett (yikes!) and Betsy Russell (yum!), how does this late in the era Slasher film play out? Well, you'll have to pack up your pompoms and head on over to BThroughZ to find out!

Click Da Link!

Hey, don't go too far now because I got more in store for you, and as soon as you get back from your cheerleading camping trip, why not take a walk on over to Strange Kids Club where you can check out my look back at Full Moon's VideoZone. When I think of VideoZone, I think of it quite fondly, and I know I am not alone in the nostalgic love for the original Special Feature. So, take a moment to drop by Strange Kids for a blast from the VHS era past!

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Where My Monster Video Watch-Dogs At?!

The latest issue of BThroughZ is upon us, and with that comes yet another mediocre review from yours truly. This month I take a look at 1984's Monster Dog, a werewolf film directed by the great Claudio Fragasso. As if having the maestro behind Troll 2 wasn't enough poop in this bowl, Monster Dog also stars one Alice Cooper, which creates the perfect opportunity for a few incredible musical set pieces (as you'll see in the video below). Check out my review (by clicking HERE!), and while you're at it, check out the slew of other great articles found inside this wonderful online zine.  

Since we're sort of on the subject of magazines, I wanted to mention that the upcoming issue of Video Watchdog (issue 160 to be exact) contains a contribution from good friend of CNAMB, Jeff Allard. You may know Jeff from his blog, Dinner With Max Jenke, and if you do, then you know what a fantastic writer Jeff is as well as being an extremely knowledgeable horror fan. Jeff's featured piece is an in-depth look back at one of my favorite genre TV shows growing up, Friday the 13th: The Series! Video Watchdog is without a doubt one of the finest genre magazines in publication and it's made all the finer with Jeff involved, so I encourage you all to show some support and pick up the issue. I just got mine in the mail and am ecstatic to read Jeff's article, and I certainly want to congratulate him on this greatly deserved achievement!

British Lesbian Vampires Showing Their Boobs Over At BThroughZ?!

Now that's the kind of eye-catching title that'll draw in the crowds! Can't wait to see the Google keyword searches that bring people to this post. So yeah, I am here to share with you my latest review over at the newest issue of BThroughZ, the Halloween issue of BThroughZ, if you will. As you might be able to guess by the incredibly subdued title of the post, I wrote a review for a film that has British females that play vampiric lesbians and get naked like it's their job. Actually, it was their job, thus the movie Vampyres (often subtitled Daughters of Darkness, or, Daughters of Dracula)was born. If you would like to read my thoughts on this little slice of heaven, then I encourage you to take a a trip to BThroughZ and make it a part of your day. And hey, while you're there, why not check out all the other goodies that the newest issue has in store for you. M'kay? Now that's the spirit!

Click on the sexy ladies for the review!

BThroughZ: Paranormal Entity

The newest issue of BthroughZ just recently went up, and with that comes the review that I did for The Asylum's Paranormal Activity cash-in, Paranormal Entity. As is always the case, there are plenty of great things to check out in this month's issue, so I fully encourage you to play around for a bit, after you read my review, of course. Plus, I think I came up with the best review title ever for the movie, so you'll have to check it out to see what it is. Click on the magazine cover with the boobies for the pathway to heaven. 

ATTENTION!!! This is future Matt-suzaka, and sadly BThroughZ no longer exists, so here is a link to my review of Paranormal Entity, which is now located on the very blog you are reading! Enjoy! CLICK HERE!

Baby Babble: Watching Bloody Movies On A New TV

About a week or two ago, I wrote a review for Blood Sucking Freaks for BThroughZ, but being all busy (or lazy) and shit, I was sending it in on the deadline. In what may be the craziest of coincidences, Jamie - the man behind BThroughZ - emailed me right back to inform me that another person had already submitted a review for the same damn film! So going into scramble mode, I watched and whipped up a review for the 80's Slasher film Bloody Movie (aka Terror Night), which can be found over in the July issue of BThroughZ. It turned out to be a good thing in hindsight as Bloody Movie made for a fun review, and now I have the epic Blood Sucking Freaks leftovers that I can post here at some point. So we all win, but make sure to head over and check out my review of Bloody Movie, as well as all the other gory goodies in the latest issue of BThroughZ.

 

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Nearly two months ago, the living room TV shit the bed big time, something that is sort of a nightmare for a cinephile. Luckily, when I picked up the TV I had also bought the extended warranty (which was due to end in two months!), so I went about trying to get it fixed. Dude came to the house - didn't have the part. Got the part - broken part wasn't the only problem and had to take the TV to the shop. Waited for a long ass time. Waited even more. Had an 18' TV sitting on an old end table in the middle of my living room with wires all stretched across the floor. Found out the TV would cost $900 dollars to repair. Waited some more. Got confirmation that we would get a new TV (!). Waited for their offer - got the offer - got the TV. Finally.

So, the TV I owned was five years old…it was a solid TV at the time I had bought it (Samsung 42' DLP things and things), was capable of 1080p (though it never seemed to get past 1080i) and had a nice picture in High Def, but it was five years old. The warranty contract stated that my replacement TV might not be the same brand, but had to be comparable quality wise to my previous brand and have the same specs. In what may be the coolest thing that could happen in this nearly two month long horrific situation, we got a brand new TV, an LG 42' 1080p black flat screen with 120 hz and all that shit. The TV looks AMAZING and so much better than the TV we already had, and to top it off, it was FREE! Well, not free, but when I look at it, I see what is a brand new TV I bought five years ago, so I win so hard. About time.  

Baby Babble: Simon Says, Take the Dead For A Walk

• Simon says… check out my review for, Simon Says, a movie that I had in my instant queue, but may have never watched if not for Christine's (kind of) glowing review for the movie over at Paracinema some time back. The film stars movie madman Crispin Glover, and is a modern day Slasher with the hook of the main killer being named Simon, thus, Simon Says! How brilliant? So yeah, you can read that review over at the newest issue of BThroughZ as well as a whole slew of other awesome articles that will make your eye balls smile with joy. It's true.

ATTENTION!!! This is future Matt-suzaka, and sadly BThroughZ no longer exists, so here is a link to my review of Simon Says, which is now located on the very blog you are reading! Enjoy! CLICK HERE!

 

• There has been a lot of hubbub going around the world of internet horror concerning the upcoming television incarnation of The Walking Dead. I haven't really cared all that much about it, most likely because I have never read the books, and I think I may have needed things to come closer to fruition before I could begin to show interest. Well, now I'm starting to, which brings forth the question, how friggin' cool will a zombie TV show be?! Based on well received source material, written, produced and directed by the great Frank Darabont, and it's on AMC, which is a channel that has put out quality original programming like only cable is capable of doing nowadays. So yeah, now I'm starting to get pumped for this show, and it is shaping up to be the biggest thing since Manimal.

• Now that the Blogathon/contest is completely all over, things are getting back to normal around here, and I am very happy about that. Mostly because I fear change….and Mark Wahlberg's third nipple. I do have a ton of very versatile film reviews written, waiting in the wings to be posted as well as a whole bunch of other ideas that are brewing in my cranium. I plan on really trying to push CNAMB to the next level and bring as much quality as I am capable of. Which isn't much, but I work with what I got. There's a dick joke in there somewhere. Anyways, keep yer eyes peeled, for the future is now!

Baby Babble: Trancing to the Oldies

It's that time of the month again folks, and no, I'm not talking about that time of the month, I mean the time has come for the newest issue of BThroughZ to be unleashed onto the interwebs! There just so happens to be a party going on over at BThroughZ and it's being thrown by B-movie legend Charles Band with Tim Thomerson on the tables and Helen Hunt working the strobe. What's the name of this party you ask? It's called Trancers and no, Trancers is not the transvestite version of MANswers, but a 1985 sci-fi action film of the low budget variety as well as the focus for my review this month over at BThroughZ. So if you feel like dancing (and who doesn't?), then clickity click away and all your dreams will come true. Well, if your dreams are to read a review of Trancers written by me that is.  

ATTENTION!!! This is future Matt-suzaka, and sadly BThroughZ no longer exists, so here is a link to my review of Trancers which is now located on the very blog you are reading! Enjoy! CLICK HERE!

 

Before I let you all go, if any of you are LAMB members, you may be aware that it is time for the 2010 LAMMY Awards. Now, while the thought of being nominated for something like Best Blog, Best Horror/Sci-Fi blog, or something along those lines, would be super duper, I would doubt that a possibility. Maybe Funniest Writer is a possibility, but I have read plenty of blogs that are funnier than mine are and my humor isn't for everyone ('cause not everyone is awesome!). However, there is one award that this here blog totally deserves and actually may have a chance to win, and that is for Best Blog Name! I mean, I know the name Chuck Norris Ate My Baby is pure gold, but even if I didn't, enough people have told me so, so it must be true! So, if you are a LAMB member, vote for me and I'll cook you some bomb ass fettuccini alfredo.

Click that banner down thuuur to learn all that needs to be learned.

That's all the pathetic self promotion I got for you this time around. Thanks for your time and remember, whether or not Jesus loves you, I always will and that is something you can count on. Onward Baby Eating soldier.

Baby Babble: Lost the Fight With My Private Parts

For some incredibly awful and soul crushing reason, the other night I accidentally deleted the draft of my review for Fight For Your Life, a draft that was complete and over 950 words. It sucked wicked bad and I'm so irked that it happened that I’m not even going to bother rewriting it. I honestly feel like I lost a part of me with that post and it’s one click disappearance. I use windows live writer, but I clearly need to start saving things to blogger as well as live writer in case something like this happens again. To make things worse, my internet has been sporadically acting wiggity whack (thus, the lack of posts), so I haven't been able  to even get online to look at naked pictures when I want to. Seriously lame.

On a much less lame front, Carl from the wonderful land of I like Horror Movies had a little contest a few months back to thank his readers and supporters. I won and of course I was really happy about this because there is nothing better than free movies (well, except maybe pancakes). The prize pack that I received consisted of an awesome mini-scale replica of the Audrey 2 from Little Shop of Horrors (which sits nicely on one of my DVD  shelves as seen above!) made by Carl himself and two brand spanking new DVD’s! The first is a film from 2001 titled Blood Moon and the second is Paul Bartel's Private Parts, which is the film I reviewed for the March issue of BThroughZ. It's an interesting read for an interesting movie and I want to thank Carl for my discovery of this odd little Exploitation/Horror film.

So, head over to BThroughZ and please check out my review, as well as the other great content found within the newest issue. And if anyone has ever seen Fight For Your Life, please, let me know what you thought of it.  

ATTENTION!!! This is future Matt-suzaka, and sadly BThroughZ no longer exists, so here is a link to my review of Private Parts which is now located on the very blog you are reading! Enjoy! CLICK HERE!

You’re Undefeatable!

Hellllloooo ghoulies! Just wanted to direct you all to a review I recently wrote for the Godfrey Ho film, Undefeatable, which you can find over in the newest issue of BThroughZ. Staring the lovely Cynthia Rothrock, Undefeatable is the film that was the insane subject of my very first post here at CNAMB and it contains what is known as the worst fight scene ever (or best if you’re snarky and have bad taste, which I am guilty of both)! The film is something else, to say the least and I would love if you took the time to head over to BThroughZ to give it a read. 

Now, what is BThroughZ you might be asking? Well, it is simply an online magazine (or e-zine as the kids with the spiky hair call it), that specializes in all thing’s horror, cult, B-Movie, etc…this would include movie, video game talk, books, music and everything in-between. I found the site thanks to the awesome Reverend Phantom who does written and video reviews for the magazine. It’s a very cool site and something that is more than worth your time past reading my mediocre review for Undefeatable. So check out the magazine, check out my review and leave lots of comments/lies like “This is the best review EVA!” and “Wow, you are amazing Matt!” It would make me look good and I have no shame damn it!

ATTENTION!!! This is future Matt-suzaka, and sadly BThroughZ no longer exists, so here is a link to this review of Undefeatable which is now located on this very blog you are reading! Enjoy! CLICK HERE!