Fire 'Never' Works

No Hangover today, mostly because there wasn't much going on, but it is a holiday weekend, so I fully expect you all to enjoy your Fourth of July with enough beer and liquor to make you want to put your head in an oven on Monday morning. Ha ha, the jokes are funny, I know, but I want to get serious here for a second. It is the Fourth, and I expect that many of you will be celebrating your freedom by drinking heavily and playing with fireworks. Now, I don't mind the drinking - so long as you drive no more than a block for a packy run when you run out of beer - but I am concerned about your use of fireworks on this day of joy. I have provided an educational safety video that will show you, dear reader of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, just how dangerous these satanic explosives really are…

So, if you are a dummy, literally or figuratively, do not hold fireworks in your hands for more than 38 seconds, or stand directly over them as they are going off, set them off in your pockets, or even use one to try and save time slicing up that watermelon. It just isn't worth it, and if you get hurt, that is just one less page view I get here, and we wouldn't want to upset me, now would we?

Remember kids, Fire 'Never' Works.

I'd Buy That For A Dollar!

Well, it's been quite a while since I had to skip a Hangover, but there was almost nothing on TV worth mentioning this Sunday and I can only do as much as the schedule allows me. Sorry kiddos. I know just how important this segment is to all three of you, so I shall make it up by providing a couple of incredibly odd, but totally entertaining television commercials that I recently discovered. All three of these TV ads star a face that should be more than familiar to all of you, and that is the face of a certain officer of the law known as, RoboCop!

Enjoy the madness that is about to explode all up in your brain… 

 

So like, part of me wants to know what they're saying (in the ads), but deep down, I know the truth cannot be nearly as grand as what is in my mind. Then again, maybe it it is, but I'll never know and never do I desire to find out. Also, nothing says "buy noodles" like a character from a hyper violent sci-fi action flick directed by Paul Verhoeven. On top of that, nothing is more ironic than the character of RoboCop being used to promote consumerism. I guess a cop's salary must not be all that great in a dystopian Detroit if Murphy has to resort to sponsorships, but whatever puts baby food on the table I guess.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: HOLY Shit Edition!

Yes yes y'all, you don't stop, Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party, ROCK ON! Now, how's that for a start to the evening?! Yeah, I think you're ready to step into a world filled with sick moves and grimy grooves, and nothing says grimy like today's kickin' clip, which delivers the offensive goods by the bucket load. Before we get started, I want you to know that I won't tell you what to say, nor will I tell you what to do, but the only thing I ask of you, is to get ready to move to this rocking tune. As for me, I'll join you when I'm good and ready, because, You Don't Own Me!

Written by John Madara and Dave White Tricker, You Don't Own Me was performed in 1964 by the uncompromisable, Lesley Gore. I don't know what it is, but I have always loved the girl group music of the 60's and You Don't Own Me is just a fantastic and slightly haunting song that blows away 97% of the female driven pop music of today. That was a time when female singers gained fame with their talent and ballsy take-no-shit attitude, not facade. There were no Auto-Tunes, or over-the-top music videos and fashion sensibilities, just some bitchin' ladies on stage, singing their hearts out about shit that mattered to them.

Okay, now that I'm done jabbing about my mom's music, lets talk about the film, shall we?! Released in 2000, The Convent is directed by Mike Mendez, who later went on to direct The Gravedancers, which was one of the better entries in the very first edition of After Dark's 8 Films to Die For. This opening is a ka-razy way to start off a movie and the use of You Don't Own Me just totally puts it over the top in the awesome department. I wouldn't say the rest of the film lives up to that wild opening, but The Convent is a solid and very entertaining little horror flick that is filled with a lot of creativity on a short budget and also has some spot on humor. In addition, you get an older, but still very yummy, Adrian Barbeau on a motorcycle. She can lead my pack anytime.

Freddy’s Friday Night Dance Party!: Top That! Edition!

After having such a emotional and epic Dance Party with Ms. Ellen Aim last week, I thought I should take this weeks’ edition back to the streets. Hip-Hop has influenced many cultures, people young and old, and thankfully so, because if not, we wouldn’t have this clip from Teen Witch. The song is Top That and while it takes 35 seconds to get to the gold, the dialogue between our two bike riding babes is certainly worth the wait!

As already mentioned, Top That comes from the 1989 film, Teen Witch, staring one time über crush, Robyn Elaine Lively and the recently deceased Zelda Rubinstein. This groundbreaking track in the vein of Public Enemy meet’s KRS-1, Top That was written by Larry Weir and performed by The Michael Terry Rappers, who I could not find out all that much about, nor did I try all that hard either. Why ruin the mystique of something as impactful as Top That?!

Everything about this clip is amazing, from the close up of the boom box, the rolled up tight jeans with matching Hawaiian shirt, right down to the spastic, seizer like dance moves. And how about that dude with the suspenders?! Now THAT is Hip-Hop! My favorite part of the entire clip is when Teen Witch and her “normal” friend, Darlene Conner spot the Hip-Hop dance crew and Darlene says “Look at how funky he is,” then lingers for a moment before saying ”I’ll never be hip!” But how wrong she is, because thanks to the power of Witch Craft, Darlene spit’s some lyrics of her own! Back and forth Rap battle at its finest…I can’t even handle it! This might be my favorite clip of all time!

The Electric (Cut) Slide!

Hey boys and girls! Sorry, but no dance party this weekend - dj Skele-tone flipped his Escalade when he went to pick up scratch tickets and mountain dew sometime after last weeks dance party and we have no back up DJ's to fill his bony shoes. It's better that he get as much rest as possible anyways, especially with next weekends huge Halloween blowout we got planned...we can't risk further injury to Skele-tone by tempting him to get wasted and trying to do the windmill again. So instead, I leave you with this fun filled clip that I had stumbled upon a while back...hopefully its entertainment value will hold you over till next Friday.

Yeee Haw!!

When pitted against numerous foes while out on the streets with my fellow gang buddies, I try to pick the seemingly easiest person to take down. When I run into an Asian girl and a Black guy in a wheelchair, the answer is made for me instantly. I mean, more than likely, the Asian girl knows karate, plus she’s wearing all black, not a good sign either. And the black guy in a wheelchair…well, he's a guy in a wheelchair. I can take this fucker! The only real advantage he may have is, he is right at ball height, but with balls as tiny as mine, he would more than likely miss if he were to strike at them.

As the Asian female comes rollin' up, it is clear that I made the right decision. This bombshell is bashing my banger boys left and right with spin kicks and super queefs, and I think I even saw her fling a tampon at one of my boy’s temples. I'm gonna look like the man when I tip this dude in the wheelchair right over and onto the ground. He'll be all stuck on his back like a beetle, flailing his arms and legs…err flailing his arms as he attempts to get back up and into his comfortable seat. "I have no legs!" More like you have no excuse anymore son, we is gonna throw down!


Oh great, I'm getting my ass kicked by a dude in a wheelchair. He's so quick and his arm reach is so long! And how the hell does he scamper around like that without any stems to support him? And I can't help but wonder - does he have a dick?! So distracting! Figures I would pick a fourth degree Kendo master to brawl with. I'm so going to look like such a wuss when my boys look over here and see me being tossed around by a dude with no legs. I can hear it now "What, did he run over your foot with one of his wheels?" "Who's gonna kick your ass next, Ray Charles?! Bwahahaa!" Handicapped my ass.

Man, this isn’t my day, thanks a lot, Henry Smalls. Unlike Biggie, you are not the illest.

A Final Run In - With Death

It's that time again; time to witness the path of death as we follow its destination to the last and often gruesome final breath of so many victims. I have really enjoyed the Final Destination series since the original film came out way back in 2000. A film that had some smart and original ideas, while delivering some fantastically fun death scenes. That film laid out the ground work for what would be two sequels, that while bringing nothing really new to the table, just flat out delivered on some of the most entertaining and "Oh Shit!" death scenes put to celluloid. These films aren't changing the face of horror cinema - they are what they are, and what they are, is fun. I go to see a Final Destination movie to have a good time and to see what the filmmakers will do "this time" to up the ante of the deaths and to see how insane the sometimes ridiculous paths leading up to the often gory and satisfying demises will unfold.

I consider the Final Destination franchise to be one of the best and most consistent we have had in quite some time representing the horror genre in theaters. CGI and all. The fourth (and final? as the title would lead us to believe) film in the franchise, The Final Destination, will makes its way into theaters August 28th and it will of course, be in 3-D. 3-D is so played out, but for Final Destination, it is a franchise that gimmicks fit in well with. Not that I need any gimmicks to go and see this film.

In honor of The Final Destination, I have compiled a few of my favorite death scenes from all three films. A good portion of them are from the second movie in the series, and that is due to it being my favorite of the Final films and it also having the best deaths of all three. Only one I really wanted to post, but couldn't, was the tanning bed scene from part 3 - I just could not find a decent video. I love that scene though!

Hope you enjoy these wonderful scenes of mutilation and chaos as much as I do, and if there are any ominous winds in your vicinity, you may want to get the hell outta dodge!

















Of course, I have to include the car crash opening from Final Destination 2 - one of the most frighteningly realistic car crash scenes put to film.