Not my taint but The Taint, as in the incredibly offensive, yet grossly funny, independent movie I reviewed back in January. If you want an idea as to if The Taint is something that you could get into, then take a quick refresher course by checking out my review of the movie, then you can make your way over to Vimeo (or even watch it below!) and check out the film for free, in HD, for the rest of the month! IT'S FUCKING FREE!!!
In a world that has been overtaken by well-endowed, rabid men - with an appetite for crushing in the heads of any female they come across - it's up to Phil O'Ginny (Drew Bolduc) and his female road companion, Misandra (Colleen Walsh), to try to stop the cock-crazed apocalypse that has fallen upon them. That's right. Cock-crazed. Within the first five minutes of The Taint, I was subjected to a close-up shot of some girl's boobies, an old man with shit hanging (and eventually dropping) out of his ass and a dude with a plump pecker spewing Peter North worthy loads like it's no ones business. I cannot honestly say I was too thrilled by this opening (though, I didn't mind the boobies) and immediately went into a mode where I knew I was going to hate what I was watching.
Going over-the-top is a tricky thing (unless you're Sly, naturally), and a huge problem with many films that do so fail because the only thing they have going for them are their over-the-top elements. And to be honest, being outrageous is not a good basis for quality entertainment - unless you can back it up with something that can actually entertain me. So as I'm sitting back, already waiting for the short 70-minute film to end, I was subjected to a movie that goes well out of its way to alienate, disgust and piss off its viewer. Now, I'm not one to feel any of those emotions with a movie like this, instead, I will simply roll my eyes and wish I were watching something better. However, as the film moved on, and throughout the copious amount of lowball sleaze, I found myself slowly being swayed to the dark side of, The Taint.
So, as I said, after the opening scene I was ready to say fuck off to this film. Once that's in my head, it takes a lot to bring me back around again, but The Taint did, and it did so by doing one important thing right. It's funny. In fact, it's funny enough to, over the course of its quick runtime, make me even enjoy the outrageous aspects of the movie. But being outlandish isn't what makes The Taint funny. It's the writing - specifically the dialogue - that had me giggling with politically incorrect glee. Lines like: "Damn you! She was so hot!" is blared out by O'Ginny just after he sees his girlfriend's head get bashed in. Or a hysterical impromptu speech O'Ginny makes about his ability to cock-block a group of gang rape hungry men led by his gym teacher (Cody Crenshaw).
The Taint almost feels like a series of long sketch comedy scenes that all connect to either a character in the film or the apocalyp-dick situation they are in. And even if these vignettes all share a great sense of humor, they are also filled with more than enough pure filth that I'm sure will completely offend most viewers. For example, an abortion by hanger is only allowed if the hanger used is washed with antibacterial soap first. Sick? Sure, but it's too darkly funny for someone like me not to be able to appreciate it. And of course there are plenty of gruesomely outrageous gore effects, most of which come from heads being smashed open in a variety of ways, as well as the infected having their cock heads shot off (head shots, if you will).
Drew Bolduc (who plays the film's lead, O'Ginny) and Dan Nelson share much of The Taint's thick load, with the two co-directing, producing and each taking on various important tasks to make the film cum to life. Despite my initial reaction to The Taint, they put together a movie that I believe can only play as it is to get the results it does. The humor is brash, disgusting and offensive, but it's smartly written and executed effectively, which is more than I can say for what passes for mainstream comedy nowadays. The Taint ain't for everyone. In fact, it's not even really for me, but that is a testament to the comedic elements found within the pile of cocks, cum, tits and grue.
The Taint is available through the film's official website where you can purchase either a copy of the DVD, download an HD digital copy of the film or get your grove on and check out the great 80s-censtric original OST.
