Halloween Pooh

My original Destination on Friday night was meant to be a Final one, but due to an error, my buddy picked up tickets to the 2-D showing of The Final Destination as opposed to the "in yo face" version of the film. So with time constraints lingering over our heads, we opted to check out Rob Zombie's second incarnation of his rebooted Halloween series. I am one of the few that didn't completely hate the first Halloween remake, I thought the theatrical version had some solid moments, but the film mostly suffered from too much being crammed into one uneven story. The DVD release on the other hand, was different enough from the theatrical release to almost make the film unbearable, but I would rather not spend time on remake past, so I'll just get into my thoughts on Halloween II already.

I'm not planning on spending too much time on this film, because it is clearly not worth spending too much time on, and I would gather that most that have seen the film would agree with me, though I haven't seeked out any one else's thoughts on the film to really know what other horror fans think. I actually liked the first 35 minutes of Halloween II; it was going along at a good pace as it took off right where the first film had ended. There are some grotesque little touches that were satisfying to the sadistic horror fan in me, and the way everything is shot and presented is quite impressive. Halloween II's first act, if you will, works as a pretty solid Slasher film, a Slasher that is very mean spirited with some harsh moments strewn about, but then, the 35 minute mark hits.

If you have, or if you will see Halloween II, you will know what happens at the 35 minute mark that made me think to myself "Are you fucking kidding me right now?!" And things just went downhill from that moment and just continuously got worse the longer the movie went on. Story wise, Halloween II is basically Michael Myers (Tyler Mane) coming back to life, where he then proceeds to spend almost the entire film, making his way back to Haddonfield so he can have a sort of "family reunion" with his kid sister, Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton). With her parents murdered in the first Halloween, Laurie is now living with Sheriff Lee Brackett (Brad Dourif aka CHUCKY!) and his daughter/Laurie's best bud, Annie (Danielle Harris) who survived a brutal attack via Myers, but lived so she could serve the plot of the very film we are discussing here.

The other main character from the first Halloween making a return is Dr Loomis (Malcolm McDowell), who amazingly still has eyeballs after what seemed to be his demise in the first film. To me, Loomis seems to have absolutely no point in this film except to serve as the catalyst for Laurie finding out that Myers and she are siblings (via his new book). Other than that, he serves no other real purpose except to be a separate story line that is just meant as filler material for when Myers wasn't eating dogs, or when Laurie wasn't hanging out in crusty bathrooms covered in graffiti and draped in bad florescent lighting.

Another recurring character is Misses Voorhees err...I mean, Misses Myers as played by Sheri Moon Zombie. I personally have no problem at all with Rob Zombie using his wife in his films, she's not a great actress, but at times she is serviceable, plus I think she's pretty hot, though she unfortunately refrains from showing her butt crack in this movie. Butt...her character in this film is that of a ghostly apparition, and how her ghostly appearance serves the plot is just plain terrible, on top of her showing up five times too many - with a horse to lame it up a bit. I won't go into detail as to what purpose Mama Myers serves, but it is one of the bigger issues with Halloween II's story line.

Another big problem with the story is situations are created for the soul purpose of having someone to kill for Michael Myers. This happens in plenty of Slasher films, sure, but it seems like it happened more in Halloween II, than in your average film of the genre. I did get a kick out of the kills for the most part, they are very mean spirited, and there isn't anything silly, or unrealistic about them - every murder is very harsh and simple, but still disturbingly satisfying. I was honestly kinda shocked at how much violence got by the MPAA, and for them to garner Halloween II an R rating is a big surprise. While I did like these kills, I think many horror fans will find them off putting, especially in the context of a Halloween movie. I don't mean Zombie's Halloween, but the original series. It may offend some of those fans, but this isn't the original series, so I'm fine with it.

Michael Myers look is something that should certainly get a shit load of classic Halloween fans all riled up. I think it's funny to be honest, so many complain about the essence of the original Michael Myers being completely disregarded, and how it's a travesty and an embarrassment to the original Boogeyman character from Halloween past to handle Michael Myers the way that Zombie does. However, if Zombie had made his films in the same vein as the original series, and stuck to those characteristics of Michael Myers, we would have something like Gus Van Sant's Psycho all over again...how did that one go over? I appreciate that Zombie has tried to make the character different, and his own; going a different direction gives us something new to watch, instead of treading the same shallow water that has been gone over numerous times in the original series. On top of that, in the sequels, Michael Myers usually looked pretty shitty in comparison to the '78 Carpenter film, so I would prefer a drastic change to the characters look over a moronic over sized mask like the ones found in the middle of the original franchise.

Personally, I thought the new, revamped, Myers looked very badass and it was nice to see a realistic take on the character. There are three different versions of Myers to be found in this movie - the first would be the classic look, the second would be the homeless Myers, and thirdly, a hybrid of the two styles. As I said, I like the realistic aspects of the character, and when you see Myers walking around in the woods without his mask, but rocking a seriously dope beard, it may be a little strange for some. But why would Myers be wearing a mask when he isn't killing people and no one is around? In addition, having a beard is much more plausible than having him shave - out in the woods - with no bathroom - let alone a mirror or a place to keep his Mach 3 and shaving gel (his skin is very sensitive).

As for how the movie is actually made, on a technical level, Halloween II has some seriously impressive scenes, with a style all Zombies own. This dude has real talent, and people who say other wise are being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious. There are moments where his grimy white trash look shines through in fantastic ways, but there is this other side of him that drops the ball completely. It's almost like Zombie has two styles: One being the very pleasing to the eyes, subdued, gloomy, trashy look that shows his strength as a filmmaker. On the other hand, he has a repugnant side that is an overblown version of his trashy style of movie making. This is the style that was very prevalent in the utterly terrible House of a 1,000 Corpses. These are the scenes when everything becomes orange and the camera gets all wacky and wild! so distracting, and unbecoming of what is done in the rest of the film.

These loathsome techniques are mainly found in the strip club scene...yes, Zombie has once again found a way to fit in a strip club scene. But he really didn't find a way to fit it in, as it has nothing to do with the story line of the movie. Then there's the party scene. Ugh...I was so all done by time the party scene came to be - what part of Haddonfield would I look to find a place with hot girls dancing topless on separate stages, while some rockabilly band plays music...that everyone seems to like?! The scene reminded me of the Titty Twister found in From Dusk Till Dawn. However, the Titty Twister was in the deserts of Mexico, not in a fucking suburban area neighborhood!

In the end, I really wish that we had gone to see The Final Destination instead...at least I know what I'm getting out of that movie, and it is something that I usually really enjoy. I am a very forgiving person with my cinema, and can find some good in many movies that I probably shouldn't. With Halloween II, even though I dug some of the kills, Myers' look was appealing to me, and I liked most of Zombie's film style, there just wasn't enough good to offset the bad. I wouldn't say not to see Halloween II though, it may be worth it for some of the positive aspects I mentioned, and maybe you will be more forgiving than I. I'll probably watch it again, and chances are I will like it a little bit more, now that I know it sucks, and my low expectations are completely nonexistent.

Lake Mungo

After Dark Films has just announced the third film in their already very strong looking 2010 After Dark Horrorfest: 8 Films to Die For lineup (Jan 29th - Feb 5th). Clive Barkers Dread, and a movie that I recently posted about, The Graves will be joined by the Australian thriller/ghost story, Lake Mungo. Lake Mungo is written and helmed by first time director, Joel Anderson and stars Talia Zucker, Rosie Traynor, David Pledger and Martin Sharpe. The story follows a family dealing with the drowning death of their sixteen-year-old daughter, Alice Palmer. After her body is buried, the family experiences a series of strange and eerie events that give them no choice but to seek the help of a psychic/parapsychologist named, Ray Kemeny. His investigation leads to Lake Mungo where a secret past and double life once lived by Alice comes to fruition.

Sounds interesting - right? You may be even more interested after watching the trailer for the film. And that trailer is provided for your viewing pleasure right here - ya know, just in case you didn't already notice it sitting there, all lonely, waiting for you to accept it with your mouse. Click that shit, son!


Bleh...so creepy!! I love that entire goose bump promoting paranormal stuff, and I almost thought that Lake Mungo was a documentary at first, because it looks so convincing as one. It is of course, a mockumentary style film that looks like it will be very effective in the scare department, and some of those background apparition shots are just downright frightening. I was already excited for both Dread and The Graves, but this is a nice surprise to have a very scary looking movie like Lake Mungo added to a lineup that is certainly shaping up very nicely.

Apparently, Paramount is developing a remake of Lake Mungo with writer David Leslie Johnson, whose previous effort, Orphan was released to solid reviews and was a movie that I personally quite enjoyed. This being put out by After Dark Films though is a very good thing, because this film very much reminds me of another low-budget ghost mockumentary film, Paranormal Activity. Paranormal Activity had gotten rave reviews, and the trailer was scary as shit, but when the remake (also Paramount) started to make way, the original film had, like a ghost, been left in limbo with no release after what is a few years now (though there have been rumblings of a small theatrical release forthcoming). Wicked annoying if you ask me. So thankfully this will not be the case with Lake Mungo, as we now know that it will be in theaters, and eventually on DVD, without having to wait two or three years for a remake to come out and suck balls.

Here is a link to the films official site for more info!

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Low-Carb Edition!

Sup playas, and playarettes!! You must be new to this club, so let me give you the tour. Right there - that's where you can dance, right over there - that's another place you can dance, and over here, on my lap - well, take a guess. What'd you expect; this is Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party after all!! HOLLA!! You guys carrying anything? No?! Well, here, take these pills, they're on the house. We wanna make sure everyone has a good time!! If you start to feel a little dizzy, let me know, you can lay down in the bed up in my private suite, while I play with your sweet privates! YEAH BOYEE! Now, I hope you guys brought your D-game with you…what's D-game you ask? Well, that's your Dance Game, cause tonight, dj Skele-tone has the fattest tracks on the block! And when I say fat, I mean F-A-T, because finally, Skele-tone has brought with him - his copy of Are you ready for Freddy? as done by the infamous 80's hip-hop group, The Fat Boys! This should be one hell of a dance party, where the tunes are fat, but the ladies are mad skinny from all the blow they do! Now get out there kid, burn some calories dancing, and make sure you look good doing it!

Oh great...is that Gary Busey preaching about the lord and sobriety again? Better get security.



First of all, I thought horizontal stripes would be a no-no for a heavyset person, and vertical was the way, but whatever…I'm not here to judge. The Fat Boys consisted of Mark Morales aka "Prince Markie Dee" - Damon Wimbley aka "Kool Rock-Ski" - and The Human Beat Box himself, Darren Robinson aka "Buff Love." Buff Love might be the greatest name in Hip-Hop history...the name says it all! Are You Ready For Freddy? was written for 1988's A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, and also appeared on 1997’s best of album - All Meat: No Filler. Even though I love Dream Warriors, I always liked this one just a little bit more. It's such a fun video and song, and how great is it that Freddy raps? And to top it off, his skills are garbage! Not that I don't appreciate lyrics like..."You see my name is Freddy - and I'm here to say - I'll wrap you up - and take you away! And if you feel like your tired - and ready for bed - Don't fall asleep - or you'll wake up dead!" Watch out now, he's like the next Ja Rule, but instead, he could be Claw Rule! Also, while it's a little embarrassing to admit, I always liked the songs chorus as sung by whoever the girl is, I mean, there isn't a female in The Fat Boys - so I like to think she's a ghost! "Watch out - or Freddy - will bust your heart!" Right on sister!

Hope you guys enjoyed this evenings Dance Party! I know I did, and I know, that you know, that I know, that you know, that I want you. To keep on dancin'!!!! Yo Skele-tone! Bring that beat back, son!! This party ain't over yet - or at least not until I can get one of these ladies drunk enough to come up to the suite with me. I wonder if that ghost chick can get wasted or not?

Yeee Haw!!

When pitted against numerous foes while out on the streets with my fellow gang buddies, I try to pick the seemingly easiest person to take down. When I run into an Asian girl and a Black guy in a wheelchair, the answer is made for me instantly. I mean, more than likely, the Asian girl knows karate, plus she’s wearing all black, not a good sign either. And the black guy in a wheelchair…well, he's a guy in a wheelchair. I can take this fucker! The only real advantage he may have is, he is right at ball height, but with balls as tiny as mine, he would more than likely miss if he were to strike at them.

As the Asian female comes rollin' up, it is clear that I made the right decision. This bombshell is bashing my banger boys left and right with spin kicks and super queefs, and I think I even saw her fling a tampon at one of my boy’s temples. I'm gonna look like the man when I tip this dude in the wheelchair right over and onto the ground. He'll be all stuck on his back like a beetle, flailing his arms and legs…err flailing his arms as he attempts to get back up and into his comfortable seat. "I have no legs!" More like you have no excuse anymore son, we is gonna throw down!


Oh great, I'm getting my ass kicked by a dude in a wheelchair. He's so quick and his arm reach is so long! And how the hell does he scamper around like that without any stems to support him? And I can't help but wonder - does he have a dick?! So distracting! Figures I would pick a fourth degree Kendo master to brawl with. I'm so going to look like such a wuss when my boys look over here and see me being tossed around by a dude with no legs. I can hear it now "What, did he run over your foot with one of his wheels?" "Who's gonna kick your ass next, Ray Charles?! Bwahahaa!" Handicapped my ass.

Man, this isn’t my day, thanks a lot, Henry Smalls. Unlike Biggie, you are not the illest.

Inglourious Boners!

I wont even bother hiding my thoughts about Inglourious Basterds before I send you over to Paracinema to read my review. There is no way for me to even get into all of the things that I enjoyed about Tarantino's latest effort in just one blog post, but I narrowed it down to the best of my abilities. It's nice to see Tarantino rule the box office once again, as I feel without him, we as fans of obscure and odd films would have a lot less access to many of the movies that he has brought to light over his career.

If not for Hollywood’s most hyperactive director, I would bet that I would have never seen films like Yuen Woo-ping's Iron Monkey (one of my favorite martial Arts films), or Lucio Fulci's The Beyond in theaters. Let alone own a The Beyond collectible eyeball that I received for being one of the first five people to buy a ticket! Even knowing and loving the films of Sonny Chiba for what seems like forever, I almost forget that my reason for that discovery is due to Clarence Worley enjoying a triple feature of Sonny Chiba films on his birthday in the Tarantino written, True Romance. Even his now defunct Rolling Thunder label put out some awesome releases, namely Jack Hill's Switchblade Sisters amongst other lesser known to the masses titles.

Tarantino's presence in Hollywood, whether you like it or not, is a great for fans of cult cinema while making it easier for a ton of little known gems to be released and for us to discover. Even with him just mentioning that his Elle Driver character's look is inspired by Christina Lindberg's character, Madeleine from the rape revenge film Thriller: A Cruel Picture (aka They Call Her One Eye), brought immediate attention to the film, and resulted in not one, but two different releases of the movie. I could keep going here, but you get the drift.

Normally I would post the trailer for the film that I am covering at Paracinema, but I will take a wild guess that all of you have already seen that trailer numerous times. Instead, I will put up some trailers for the films mentioned in this post. Hope you folks enjoyed your stay here at the Chuck Norris Inn. A complimentary Baby breakfast will be served starting at 6:30 AM for those of you staying with us for the evening.

Inglourious Basterds Paracinema...The Blog!

The Beyond


Switchblade Sisters


Iron Monkey


Thriller: A Cruel Picture


And of course, The Inglorious Bastards

Totally Tubular Trailers!

Once again, I am back with the tubular trailer attack! Got a nice mixture of films to look forward to with these very cool trailers that I have found to be interesting enough to share with all of you sassy little sex pots.

First up, is the trailer for Accident, a Hong Kong film directed by Soi Cheang and produced by one of the best filmmakers of our generation, Johnnie To. Accident is the story of a "The Brain," a professional hit man who uses well planned - on purpose, but seemingly accidental methods to relieve his victims of their lives. With the memory of his wife's "accidental" passing, The Brain becomes convinced that his wife was intentionally murdered in the same manner that he himself uses to dispose of his own victims. The Brain's suspicion quickly turns to paranoia as he begins to think that he too is a target after he is attacked by a so called insurance agent, Fong who just so happens to have been at the scene of the Brains wife's accidental death. Great premise and the idea of intricate and well thought out accidents used to take hits out on people should lead to some very interesting deaths. I will say this: Maybe you should know better than to park next to a fire hydrant...if you didn't, then you do now. Accident is slated to make its Hong Kong debut on September 17th.

Next up, is the trailer for Kamui Gaiden.

Directed by Yoichi Sai, and set for a September 19th Japanese release, Kamui Gaiden follows the tale of a rogue ninja, Kamui who is constantly on the run and on the look out for other ninjas that do not like the fact that he has left the sect and could possibly let outsiders know of the ninja hidden secrets. Kept on his toes and without any trust or love for anyone that he meets, Kamui does finally settles down in a small village, where he eventually feels comfortable and safe with its inhabitants. Of course, the ninja threat is never too far away, as they have set in motion a trap to capture and take down the stray ninja. No English subs for this trailer, so my apologies, but since I just told you the plot, you can figure out what is going on. Also, it would be silly of me not to mention the crazy shark attack in the trailer...talk about jumping the shark!

Okay, this next trailer was one that I bumped into over at Dear Bastards, and I was instantly taken by it.

This may be something special, something different, something to talk about. The film - The Fourth Kind - the way the film is handled - one of a kind. At least one of a kind when in comparison to your average cinema fair. Sorry about the crypticness so far, but when you have some Blair Witch type of back story to a movie, but it may actually be real...well, that just changes the whole game. The Fourth Kind is written and directed by Olatunde Osunsanmi, and stars Mila Jovovich and Elias Koteas (better known as Casey "modda fuckin" Jones! Recognize!), two actors that I enjoy very much. The Fourth Kind is based off seemingly true events of an ongoing case of alien abductions in Nome, Alaska where a disturbingly large amount of people have mysteriously gone missing every year since the 1960's. Despite multiple FBI investigations, no answers have been reached in regards to the ongoing case, resulting in many accusations of a federal cover up. What makes this film the most interesting is, the integrated never-before-seen footage of disturbing psychiatric sessions with some of the victims of the so-called abductions. It's like one part documentary, mixed into a traditional Hollywood film. Sounds and looks like it could be a gimmick, but from what I have researched, it is not. You get the breaking of the fourth wall in a trailer that is quite frightening and promises to deliver a film that doesn't come around all too often. Look for The Fourth Kind in theaters on November 6th.

That's it for me this time folks, hope you enjoyed those trailers, and feel free to leave comments as to what you think about them! And lastly, I know I don't say it enough, but I love you.

Later!

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Confused Fashion Sense Edition!

Hey-hey-hey kids! After a long week of working hard for dat cash monies, it is time for you to enjoy that hard earned dough by spending it right here, at Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! The more you spend, means the more you drink, the more you drink, means the more you dance, the more you drink and dance, means the hotter for me you become! If you’re lucky, later on I'll let you up to the private suite for a little one-on-one dancing, and of course some Moet - on the house. We all know the Moet you drink, the mo-wet you get! Yeaooowww! But for now, I believe dj Skele-tone just rolled up, and with him, he brought the hottest of the hot dance tunes. Tonight, on dj Skele-tone's dope-ass music agenda, we will be poppin’ and lockin’ to the smooth sounds of Any Way I Gotta Swing It brought to us by hip-hop pioneers, Whodini! The only magic trick here, is gonna be when I make it disappear, but don't you go and disappear, cause this party is hotter than my urinary tract infection!

Ughh...who invited a Baldwin brother? Gross, I guess the freaks do come out at night!


Whodini? More like Who-didn't look in the mirror before leaving the house today! For the soundtrack to A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 1989's Any Way I Gotta Swing It was created by the classic hip-hop group, Whodini. Unlike the previous dance party, there was no controversy to be found with this jam, except for maybe some of the outfit choices, of course. Whodini's lyrical duo consisted of Jalil Hutchins and John Fletcher (aka Ecstasy), along with DJ Drew Carter (aka Grandmaster Dee) on the tables. I love the dancing Freddy’s going up and down the stairs, and the classic "Nancy’s house" setting is more than cool, but watching Ecstasy dance around in an open chested stonewash jean jacket, complete with matching ripped jeans has got to be the frosting on this hip-hop cake! Definitely, the hot look in 1989! Not that Ecstasy's get up wasn't the norm for him, but it's always worth a giggle or two. I also really dig Jalil's "Door to door magazine salesman" outfit - very church appropriate.

Great video for a fun song, Any Way I Gotta Swing is a proper entry into the Freddy pop-culture universe, and one that I will always find some fun in watching. But what I enjoy watching even more, is you tearin' up that dance floor. Man, you look so beautiful when you move; hopefully you'll be rippin' off my clothes the same way rip up that dance floor! Now here, take this pill. Don't worry about what it does - it'll make you feel...happy. You like feeling happy, don't you?

Where My Dogs At?

After serving not nearly enough time for reprehensible animal cruelty, Michael Vick and his mistreatment of dogs is deserving of a fate much worse that the short prison term he served. What would I do if I were to decide the fate of the QB with the passing skills of my mom? I would let the dogs loose on him! Now, Vick is as fast as a bowel movement after a sit down dinner at Taco Bell, so you need special dogs to take this guy down and give him the punishment that he deserves. I'm not talkin' about Caesar Milan's little bitch ass pack of pooches; I'm talkin' straight thug dogs, the kind of dogs that would not get punked by no mark ass buster like Vick. Here is my list of dogs that I would choose to do the deed - these are the baddest of the bad - this is The Dog Pound!

Rottweiler - A rottweiler, that doubles as a cyborg?! Now that is scary. Any dog that rocks a pair of platinum fronts is as badass as it gets in my book. The only person who could possibly keep them self safe from certain death-by-dog would be, Robocop (or RoboGeisha perhapes?). Cause he's a cyborg type of dude, even then, does he really stand a chance? Altered by Science - to Wear Platinum Fronts!



Cujo - Awww, this cute little doggie has a barrel around his neck - too bad that barrel is filled with blood! This rabid St Bernard ain't playing any symphonies this time around; the only music Cujo will be bumpin', is the sweet sounds of your screams as he eats your ass. Who's the Boss now?



Man's Best Friend - More like Not Man's Best Friend. Another dog that reached monster status due to science, but unlike Rottweiler, this bitch is upgraded by genetics! This mutated mutt, Max, brings the terror to the Max. If you think you can out run him, you can't, if you think that you can peddle away on a bicycle, you can't, if you think you can climb a tree to safety, you just can't. There is no escaping Man's Best Friend!



White Dog - A dog that seems to be a sweet as pie, a pie with a blood filling! This dog isn't a cyborg nor does it suffer from rabies, this bleach blonde barker suffers from severe abuse by its former owners. This abuse results in the pale haired German Sheppard being more racist against black people than Bernie Mac in Don’t be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. However, this dog does take well to training if done properly, or so it seems, as this dog turns out to be racist against everyone that is not of the canine variety. Two leggers beware; White Dog is not cool with your ass!



Dog The Bounty Hunter - The biggest and baddest dog of them all, Dog the Bounty Hunter has no problem with making a fool out of you if you decide to skip bail. If the look of wavy mullets, and droopy tanned skin isn't enough to frighten ya, Dog also has his own pack that he roles with just in case he needs some back up. "No Brah…I'm the bounty hunter, dog!"



Man, Vick would be in some serious shit with this crew of mean mutts...he better carry around some milk bones for distraction, and hope for the best, and that he doesn’t run into that dog from Cabin Fever!

Later, dog.

Now THIS is How a Teaser Should Be Done!

I need not post any info about this movie, not that there's a lot to find about Hypothermia in these early stages, but it would just defeat the purpose of such an awesomely executed teaser. As the title of this post suggests, THIS is how a teaser is done! THIS is all that I need, to have my attention grabbed - and it is always nice to see a teaser like this, in a world where the art of teasers and trailers are as lost, and ancient, as the art of Egyptian Hieroglyphics (?). Okay, maybe not quite that lost, but it is so rare to have a movie trailer or teaser that doesn't either completely explain, to the detail, what is going to happen in the movie that said teaser/trailer is for, or one that completely dupes you into thinking a film is one thing, when in all actuality, it is something completely different.

I did seek, and find out a little info about the film, Hypothermia that resulted in this following teaser, but I thought it would be nice if you watched it, then got excited for it, then in anticipation, looked for any info on the movie to devour in your insane movie-fueled, carnivorous way. It's like the old days, right? Maybe not, but I do not want to take away from the effectiveness of this brilliant teaser by talking about it for two paragraphs. Which is exactly what I am still kinda doing now. Damn.


I just love seeing a teaser that keeps it simple and tells you nothing, while still telling you a whole lot. You know there is something under that thick slab of ice, and you know that something, is something that you don't want to tussle with. And you get all of that from a single shot of an ice fishing hole.

Hypothermia is being frozen for us by Glass Eye Pix (under the ScareFlix sub-label), the same company that put out other such genre efforts from the likes of Larry Fessenden (who also created the label) in the form of Wendigo and The Last Winter among others. Now, I really don't expect you to have to go and search for info about the film, so I will provide a link to a place where you can read the synopsis and find what little info there is. Here would work nicely. It’s kind of cheating and almost defeats the purpose, but there is still some adventure to be found in clicking on the link - a link, that for all you know, could lead to a nude photo of one Matt-suzaka.

From the Cradle to The Grave(s)

I love finding trailers for bizarre, off the wall, independent horror films of the lower budget variety. One big problem with those trailers are you might not see the actual movie for who knows how long, as they can lie in release limbo, waiting for a distributor to put them out for our consumption. These are the movies that will almost never have a chance of seeing a theatrical release outside of festivals and some major cities. For example, a movie like Pig Hunt, that has had some festival play (for like two years now!), but still has yet to see the light of DVD day. I think this is the biggest reason why After Dark Films doing it's annual 8 Films to Die For, has been really good for the less than Hollywood horror genre. The movies have been a mixed bag as most of you already know, but there have also been a few real gems to be found in every yearly outing (most notably for me are Frontier(s) and The Gravedancers). Now in its fourth year, After Dark Horrorfest is once again peeking its head out for a solid week (Jan. 29th-Feb. 5th of next year) of horror madness, and playing in theaters across the country - it will be another chance for some little engine that could films to make their way into theaters, and quickly onto proper DVD releases. So, even if you aren't in a town that has a theater playing any of the festival's films, you at least know you will be able to check them out on DVD at some point. I am looking forward to what they put out early next year, and the whole point of this post stems from the trailer for one of the two movies that they have on slate to play the upcoming festival.

The Graves is written and directed by well-known comic creator/writer, Brian Pulido, which is a promising sign with his work mainly being of the horror variety. The Graves stars Clare Grant and Jillian Murray as Megan and Abby Graves, a pair of smokin' hot sisters (who of course, love comics and other such nerdy things!) who head out on a road trip through the Arizona desert, looking for odd roadside attractions that they hope to bump into while on their journey. The sexy sisters find themselves in the mining town of Skull City (!), where they are put in a situation where they have to fight for their lives from forces both supernatural and human. Okay, I have gone on way too long now, and if you haven't already stopped reading, and already clicked on the trailer below, now is the time to do so...I'll go and make some brownies for when you return from watching the trailer.


Amen!!

If you didn't notice, Bill Moseley is in this film, which is fitting since this is trashy hick territory we are treading here with The Graves. And unless you're vegan and can resist the temptation of a juicy glazed ham, how could you not notice the one and only Candyman straight hammin' it up so hard, that he needs a side of scalloped potatoes to go along with his performance. The Graves look like a nice mix of horror, with a slab of madcap fun as seen with some of the FX shots (Shotgun go Boo-ya! anyone?) and supporting actors. Promising start to the Horrorfest line up, that kinda recently added Clive Barker's Dread as the second movie out of the 8 Films to Die For. I love Clive Barker, so I am sure there will be a follow up post about that film in the near future, but for now, I am looking forward to checking out The Graves...and at least I know I will be able to without having to wait a year or two.

One more thing. In the comments section, I would love if someone could guess as to why this trailer kicks ass at 6 seconds in?

Large thermometer, indeed.

I Can See For Miles and Miles

After a long day at work, and an even longer night partying with those wild kids over on Elm Street, I found a little time to post something over at Paracinema this evening. Gearing up for an upcoming multi-state move for the Missus and I, it is nice to be able to sit back and watch a movie where the characters have some chaos in their lives to deal with. The movie is the 1988 apocalyptic film, Miracle Mile. Watching a bunch of people run around due to what may be the end of the world takes some pressure off a person, and makes me feel a little better about packing too.

Apocalyptic situations in films are something that I truly enjoy, whether it be the start, in the midst, or the post, the apocalypse is a sub-genre that comes in many shapes and sizes, and one that can deliver on many different levels. From the modest budgeted and intimate one-man show from Rory Cochrane in Right At Your Door, to a cult classic like Gilliam’s 12 Monkeys, and a powerhouse blockbuster pile-of-shit like, The Day After Tomorrow, it is a genre that is a part of cinema that can be matched by no other in abundance and diversity. Zombies, viruses, natural disasters, unnatural disasters, giant monster movies, War, alien invasions, you name it, they are all apocalyptic sub-genres. So yeah, Miracle Mile - where does it place in the annals of apocalyptic cinema? You will have to head over and read my review for yourself. In the meantime (Helmet!), I’ll be working on the plans for my new bomb shelter, hopefully equipped with a rocket launcher!



Click on that linkage below to take you to the post!

Paracinema...The Blog: Miracle Smile :)

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Uncle Phil Edition!

Wubba wubba wubba! Hey there you dancing’ hep cats, it is a pleasure to see you back with us this Friday for another all night dance par-tay, at the club that is better than at least seven STD‘s…it‘s Freddy’s Friday Night Dance Party!! We got a bubble machine, that doesn’t blow, and the Moet is gonna straight up be flowin’ all night, right on through till it‘s time for you to get ready for work in the morning! YEAAHHHHH!!!

Always bringin’ the sickest beats, to move yo feet’s, dj Skele-tone rushed back from a week spinnin’ hot beats in Europe just to get this party started correct! On the hip-hop docket tonight, dj Skele-tone has something that will blow your mind! He will be playing DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince’s hip-hop horror classic, A Nightmare on My Street! See below for an explanation as to the strange video choice…we wouldn’t want you to think the guy that drives the El Camino slipped something into your drink again.

Oh shit!! Carlton’s here?! He always brings da funk!



Released in 1988 and written by Pete Q. Harris, Will Smith, and Jeffrey Townes (best known as DJ Jazzy Jeff) and featured on the album “He‘s the DJ, I‘m the Rapper,” A Nightmare on My Street was created to coincide with A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. However, some behind closed doors business gone bad (involving other film properties), resulted in a rift between New Line Cinema and the hip-hop duo, resulting in the song being denounced by New Line as having any connection to the Nightmare property. It was to the point that all pressings of the single and the album had a disclaimer stating that the song had no affiliation with the series. There was even a video that was made for the song, and I think I remember seeing it, but it is rumored that it was aired either just a few times, or not at all. Whether it played at all or not, New Line buried the video for no one to ever see again, and thus, the still very cool It‘s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown hybrid. Thought you all would enjoy that choice, as I love it! I searched pretty long and hard (ahem) for the actual video, well, like more than ten minutes at least, but no luck finding it. If there were one thing that could slay Freddy Krueger though, it would be that shrill bitch, Lucy, not the star of Wild Wild West.

Let’s get back to the business at hand. OHHHHH...MAN! This party is so off the chain! Might be the Moet talkin’, but I’m feeling like I wanna do a little more dancing’ tonight. In the bedroom. We are movin’ this party to my pants!!! Hey, what is a great way to keep from getting pregnant, while still getting laid? Use a Wubba wubba wubba!

You like me, you really like me!

Very recently, I was awarded with numerous accolades and honors for a blog well done as noted in a previous post. Once again, I have been shown love for my efforts in the blogging world from a few of my contemporaries, namely, Aaron from No Comment. and B-Sol of The Vault of Horror, who both have been kind enough to award me with this....

There is one stipulation though, I have to follow suit, and list ten things that you all do not know about me, none of which, will be the admittance of anything involving nudity. Maybe.

I also have to shout out ten blogs, and since I recently did something very similar to this in my other post, I will do so for some of the newer (to me) blogs that I have recently found myself enjoying till the night closes in. Of course, I will send this honor back to B-Sol, and Aaron for the amazing blogs that they provide me with day in and day out, but I will throw in one of the greatest of achievements that is known to man (or woman, of course). This is an achievement that will take someone many years to attain (unless you roll with Miyagi, then it's months), and is an honor that one can normally only capture, with the help of skilled beard growth. Of course, I am speaking of the honorary "Chuck Norris Black Belt of Blogging." Most of you may not be able to handle that shit, but "buckle up," cause you are now a master of the blogosphere, and Karate! This award goes out to all that are listed below, along with the Honest Scrap award...Congrats to you all! And I love you, for your personality. Kinda.

The Lightning Bug's Lair

Monster Land

Basement of Ghoulish Decadence

Freddy in Space

Kindertrauma

Random Hummings...

Cool Ass Cinema

I Like Horror Movies

Tower Farm Reviews

Destructible Man

Check out these great blogs, or they will kick your ass with their new found Karate skillz!

And now, her is ten things you don't know about me...

1. I have a strange love for the hip-hop dance film, Honey

2. I think Sean Penn is a fucking douche bag

3. I was once a very skilled artist in all forms

4. Christmas Crunch is one of my favorite cereals

5. I think cabin Fever is grossly under-appreciated

6. I saw Conan the Barbarian in the theaters with my Ma Dukes!

7. I am a restaurant manager

8. I can cook pretty damned well

9. I love baseball and football

10. I love you!

RoboGeisha, or...What the F!?

If I remember correctly, I first saw the trailer for the upcoming Japanese film, RoboGeisha thanks to Miles over at the fantastic blog, HodgeBlodge. I had no idea what I was in for the first time I clicked play on the trailer button thingy, and even now, as I find myself clicking play on the second trailer for RoboGeisha, I realize that I still have no comprehension of how completely insane this movie looks! Like...I could say something about the incredibly weird voice over that sounds kind of like a dude trying to clear his throat while dropping a difficult to push out deuce, or the over the top action and gore, the Geisha chainsaw, the from-outta-nowhere Japanese pop-punk song, the use of lactate as a weapon (yes, boobie milk), the torso only sword attack, the unbelievably bad (but still enjoyable) CG, and the overall out there hi jinks to be found all throughout this trailer. I could keep going, but why bother, the trailer is right below, so just click on it yourself if you want to witness the madness!

Warning! This trailer may not be suitable for anyone under the age of ten. Any older, then don't worry about it, they already smoke butts and drink by now anyways.


The same crew behind Tokyo Gore Police and Machine Girl brings RoboGeisha to us. I still have not seen TGP, but I thought Machine Girl was a total blast for what it was. RoboGeisha looks to blow the doors off what we saw in Machine Girl, and I cannot wait to be flabbergasted for an hour and a half when the movie makes its way to my DVD player.

Go to Hell!

A Final Run In - With Death

It's that time again; time to witness the path of death as we follow its destination to the last and often gruesome final breath of so many victims. I have really enjoyed the Final Destination series since the original film came out way back in 2000. A film that had some smart and original ideas, while delivering some fantastically fun death scenes. That film laid out the ground work for what would be two sequels, that while bringing nothing really new to the table, just flat out delivered on some of the most entertaining and "Oh Shit!" death scenes put to celluloid. These films aren't changing the face of horror cinema - they are what they are, and what they are, is fun. I go to see a Final Destination movie to have a good time and to see what the filmmakers will do "this time" to up the ante of the deaths and to see how insane the sometimes ridiculous paths leading up to the often gory and satisfying demises will unfold.

I consider the Final Destination franchise to be one of the best and most consistent we have had in quite some time representing the horror genre in theaters. CGI and all. The fourth (and final? as the title would lead us to believe) film in the franchise, The Final Destination, will makes its way into theaters August 28th and it will of course, be in 3-D. 3-D is so played out, but for Final Destination, it is a franchise that gimmicks fit in well with. Not that I need any gimmicks to go and see this film.

In honor of The Final Destination, I have compiled a few of my favorite death scenes from all three films. A good portion of them are from the second movie in the series, and that is due to it being my favorite of the Final films and it also having the best deaths of all three. Only one I really wanted to post, but couldn't, was the tanning bed scene from part 3 - I just could not find a decent video. I love that scene though!

Hope you enjoy these wonderful scenes of mutilation and chaos as much as I do, and if there are any ominous winds in your vicinity, you may want to get the hell outta dodge!

















Of course, I have to include the car crash opening from Final Destination 2 - one of the most frighteningly realistic car crash scenes put to film.

The Vault of Horror: The "Cyber-Horror Elite" Present: THE HORROR CANON#links#links

Some time last week, I got an e-mail from B-Sol of "The Vault of Horror" fame asking for a top ten essential horror films list. Why did he require such a list you may be wondering? So he could do some mathematical magic and come up with a sort of "Horror Canon" if you will. A list of films that any fan of horror, whether a veteran or someone new to the game, should be required to see in order to be considered a horror aficionado. Of course, I was honored to be considered for such a task, as everyone involved are the coolest of the cool when it comes to horror blogging, so being in anyway down with that crew of mofo's is very flattering indeed...I just hope they have a cool handshake like Depp and Deluise from 21 Jump Street did!

It took me a few days to shift things around and add a few/drop a few before making it an official essentials list, and to be honest, it was actually kinda hard (the list, you pig!), but here is the 10 that I came up with…

1. Halloween
2. Night of the Living Dead
3. Alien
4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
5. Hellraiser
6. The Exorcist
7. Suspiria
8. The Evil Dead
9. Psycho
10. The Fly

I really tried to mix up the movies by having different themes and/or genres. Body horror, Slasher, Social Commentary, Sci Fi, Giallo, Exploitation, etc...you get the drift.

It was tough with my pick for The Fly at number ten, as it was a back and forth between The Thing and The Fly until I ultimately went with The Fly because of the body horror aspects and also Carpenter already had my top film to represent his horror legacy. I also struggled with leaving off films like A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Jaws, and all of the 20's and 30's Universal Monster films probably the most, but it isn't an easy thing to do, putting a list like this together...you can't have 20 movies fit on a top 10 list!

So, the end result is my list along with a whole bunch of other horror fiends lists - resulting in the "Horror Canon," a list of 35 horror film must sees for anyone that dare call themselves a horror fan. Click on the clicky link thing below and check out the official list at The Vault of Horror. It has some interesting movies on it, and should generate a ton of great movie dialogue about what belongs and what doesn't. And isn't that what it's all about? Debating, and generally taking about horror films? Enjoy!

The Vault of Horror: The "Cyber-Horror Elite" Present: THE HORROR CANON#links#links

Paracinema...The Blog: Syndicate Sadists

Back from a weekend of minor league baseball at Fenway park with Lady-suzaka - had a great time and struggled with not buying every DVD I picked up to look at, at Newbury Comics. Whilst still in a good mood about the fun weekend, the Redsox are putting their season in serious jeopardy by sucking balls since the all star break. The only remedy for my depression...some good old fashioned Italian Cinema! And this week over at Paracinema, I posted my review of Umberto Lenzi's Euro-crime, kinda classic, Syndicate Sadists. Check it out if you wanna read borderline homosexual tangents about the film's star, Tomas Milian, and if you like good action films where their lips don't exactly match up with the words they are saying!



Click down there to read the review, and I will promise to love you the way that I love Tomas Milian.

Paracinema...The Blog: Syndicate Sadists

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Dream Warriors Edition

Hey girl hay! You just strolled into the hottest night club this side of the other hottest night club...Freddy's Friday Night Dance Par-tay! Eeoww!

Tonight's dance party, features the sick sounds of dj Skele-tone, and he has brought with him his copy of Dokken's Dream Warriors! Oh snappp! "Ain't gonna dance no more?!" Yeah right..this party is just getting started!



In 1987, Dokken members George Lynch and Jeff Pilson wrote the metal classic Dream Warriors for the film, A Nightmare on Elm Street III: Dream Warriors. A song that I have always loved, with it's awesome anthem that was as simple as "Dream Warriors...ain't gonna dream no more!" A perfect song at the perfect time for one of the best films of the Nightmare franchise. Plus, how great is the video with scenes from Dream Warriors the film, interwoven with the members of Dokken?! It becomes ultimately clear that the only thing that can truly stop Freddy Krueger is the power of falsetto singing..."Maybe tonight, maybe tonight you'll be gone!" Take that Krueger!

But enough of this useless chit chat - lets get back to the dance party!!! Oh my God...is that Eric Nies?! Now this party is legit!

Totally Tubular Trailers!

Here are a few recent - to - new trailers that I came across on my usual nightly internet journeys, and I thought I would kindly share them with your pretty little ass.

First up, is the newest trailer for Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre aka What?!

I didn’t pay much attention to this film outside of the insane title, until I watched this trailer. As IMDB puts it, the film is “An epic tale about a group of whale watchers, whose ship breaks down and they get picked up by a whale fisher vessel. The Fishbillies on the vessel has just gone bust, and everything goes out of control.” What the hell are Fishbillies?! Do I need to look this one up? Cause I’m not going to…I’ll just make it up and say that Fishbillies are hillbillies, but they make their home the open seas as opposed to the sticks. How’s that sound? Okay, the trailer is entertaining and well paced, and I love the opening where you are shown the difference between the Icelandic town of Reykjavik, and whale watching! Also, the man who once did one hell of a sexy slow dance with a chainsaw, Gunner Hanson is also in this film, and usually when a horror genre vet is in a movie, it sucks, but this film does actually look quite promising…so his presence could possibly be a bonus for once.



Next up is the Martial Arts epic, Bodyguards and Assassins (Sap yueh wai sing).

This is a film that I have noticed on Twitch a number of times due to the poster, which for some reason, always catches my eye. Ten years in the making, and a huge budget by Hong Kong standards, we finally have an official trailer for the Teddy Chan directed, decade long, dream project.

Bodyguards and Assassins is a fictionalized account of Sun Yat-sen, a revered Chinese revolutionary who received protection from a group of Kung Fu masters during an assassination attempt on his life in 1905 Hong Kong. The film has an amazing cast, the most notable for me would have to be Donnie Yen and Simon Yam, and even with me being slightly tired of period piece Martial Arts flicks, this (along with Yen‘s IP Man) is one that I will certainly be checking out. You will agree by time the trailers final shot penetrates your retina.



Last and probably least, is the trailer for Don’t Look Up (the meaning of Fishbillies?). A remake of Hideo Nakata’s 1996 film Joyû-rei, Don’t Look Up is directed by Fruit Chan, and is the tale of a film crew dealing with haunted film stock, that is causing them to all - slowly - go - insane!!! Most impacted by this madness is a young filmmaker (Reshad Strik) that is overly sensitive to paranormal visions. Sounds just wonderful, now doesn’t it? So, the reason I was excited for this trailer was director Fruit Chan’s involvement in the director’s role. I loved Chan’s 3 Extremes segment, Dumplings, and for a short film that was kind of predictable, it remained shocking thanks to the discomfort and sense of dread that Chan was able to put across on screen with skillful film making technique and sound.

This trailer is rather gruesome (just wait till the 20 second mark hits!) which is of course, a good thing, but Don’t Look Up being Fruit Chan’s English language debut, doesn’t look to translate all that well. Reshad Strik’s performance based off this trailer is unbearable, and it looks like a Full Moon film, not a film from an acclaimed Chinese director. I love me some Full Moon, but that is not what I am expecting from this movie. I’m hoping that this is a case of a poorly cut trailer, and the film will be much better than what it seems from these three minutes of meh. Regardless, the trailer needs to be seen, to be believed.



Alright, I’m out for now, hope you enjoyed these trailers as I have enjoyed your presence here tonight.

We only have ourselves to blame

The stars have once again aligned - to hopefully create a horror film worth checking out in theaters. On August 7th, A Perfect Getaway will be released in theaters across the country, and I must say, I’m pretty excited for it. It’s the second movie in a month’s time that is horror, not a remake or something along those lines, and doesn't look like it will completely blow. I dig the trailer as it looks quite promising, and I was kinda surprised when my old lady said that she too wanted to see the movie, saying it looked intense and possibly scary. I love the cast, namely Steve Zahn, Marley Shelton, Timothy Olyphant, and of course, Mila Jovovich. I would call that a very solid genre cast considering some of the films those actors have previously done, and I have a feeling we will get some very strong performances from a few of them. Lastly, David Twohy has shown some serious horror chops as seen in 2002’s Sci Fi monster film, Pitch Black, and he hasn’t directed anything since that films sequel, The Chronicles of Riddick way back in 2004. So it could possibly be back to Pitch Black form for him, in a film that seems to have some similar themes, just in a different setting.

I mostly bring this movie up to see if others are excited for the film, this would be another great opportunity to show some support for an original horror film, instead of not going to see the movie, yet again proving Hollywood right when they assume that all audiences members are 14, or just stupid. For the record, I haven’t had a day off from work in a while, but I swear I will see Orphan this weekend, as I will be off for the weekend’s duration. Just wanted to make that clear before I tirade any further. Much to everyone’s surprise, Orphan has gotten some really good reviews, like way more than anyone would have ever thought, and I already wanted to see the movie because I just thought it looked like fun, but now it is being well received on top of that.

I’m really hoping the continuously positive buzz will get a few more assess in to seats to see Orphan, and hopefully those same assess sit in those seats for A Perfect Getaway…assuming it's a good film. For a good number of years now, horror fans have cried about not getting films geared towards them, too many remakes, and not enough originality to be found in the theaters is often heard by the horror masses these days. Now would be the prime opportunity to support a few films that are, original, Rated R, are not afraid to be intense or hardcore, and aren’t being thrown into limbo to eventually end up on fucking DVD. This seems to be the case with Orphan from what I have heard, and looks to be how A Perfect Getaway will be like…hopefully.

Orphan is no box office success in any way, but it hasn’t done all that terrible either. As of today, the film has grossed around $27 million after its second weekend, one decent push from you and I could make a little dent in the dismal summer movie market. If both Orphan and A Perfect Getaway were to do at least decent in theaters, it could certainly sway the horror pendulum towards our taste preferences a little bit. And that, is always a good thing. We have blown it in the past with films like The Devils Rejects, The Ruins, Grindhouse, and Drag Me to Hell. I unfortunately missed Drag Me to Hell, so I am not void of this horror guilt, but that shit was out of theaters in a flash. I cannot even fathom not seeing a Sam Raimi horror movie in the theaters, and it was another film that the horror crowd was raving about, which didn't make me feel any better.

What it all comes down to is horror fans complain so much, but are we in the seats when these films come out? I know a lot of you are, I am as much as possible, but how many people are complaining about the state of horror cinema, and then not supporting the right films? I bitch sometimes, but I do show support as much as possible, and anyone that is out there and not seeing these films has no reason to complain. If both Orphan, AND A Perfect Getaway fail at the box office, then forget about the state of horror in cinema being bad now, it will be worse ten fold after two R rated, original horror films crash and burn at the box office. Again. I will put forth my best effort to see both films, meaning I will see both, and I will try to encourage others to give ‘em a whirl too. It’s time we took our theaters back!

VIVA LA ORPHAN!!

Who? Little ol' Me? An Award?!

I was beside myself with glee and truly ecstatic to have recently received not one, not two, not three, not even four (!), but FIVE awards for my blogging efforts at Paracinema…The Blog, and now here, at Chuck Norris Ate My Baby!

The first award is one of the greatest of honors, the “Good Read” award…

The “Good Read” award is followed by these four honorary achievements that all blogger's would aspire to receive…








These awards were kindly given to me by one of the most knowledgeable film fans that I know, Hans, from Quiet Cool. In a return favor for a blog well done, I too would like to pass these honorary awards to Hans for his phenomenal work over at his blog, Quiet Cool.

While I’m at it, I will pass on these honors and awards to a few other blogs of note, consistently great blogs that are constantly being checked on by myself for new content…

Bill over at Dear Bastards

Jeff and his blog Dinner With Max Jenke

Ashlee of Sassy Smurf - The Girl, Culture, & Aberrance fame

James from Behind the Couch

B-Sol from The Vault of Horror and sister blog Day of the Woman done by one miss BJ-C

Marty, the man behind the Screen Writing blog

Alex’s blog, Assorted Loaf

Even though Hans already gave props to Emily, I too will throw a shout out to her for her fine work at The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense

And last, but certainly not least, since I received these awards mostly based off my work at Paracinema…The Blog, I would love to honor my fellow posters, Dylan, Christine, and Joe for their fine work at a blog that I am very proud to be a part of.

Give these fantastic, award winning blogs a whirl…I myself am now going to get wasted in celebration of my Boombastic awards!