The Girl Next Door

I often throw on some random movie before I go to bed most every night, which is usually pretty late because I stay up either writing, reading other blogs, or watching a movie. Even though I'm only putting something on to fall asleep to, I tend to get all picky about my choice and try to find something I’m in the mood for, even though I plan on going nite-nite. There is no real rationale at this time of night since I am tired and it’s late, so out of frustration, I usually just say, “fuck it, I’ll watch this.” More often than not, I pass out almost too quickly, but once in a great while, I get sucked in.

This is something that is a bit of a double edged sword, on one hand, I am watching a movie that has me drawn in enough to keep me watching, on the other, I am staying up way too late. This was the case when I decided to watch 2007’s, The Girl Next Door. Based off the Jack Ketchum novel of the same name, this is a film that is just tough to shake for some reason and the reason is pretty clear. It’s a difficult film to watch and while there are many films that are hard to watch do to the brutality of what they portray, The Girl Next Door is more so, due to its true to life story basis.

Martyrs would be a recent example of something that is difficult to watch for some and The Girl Next Door doesn’t get quite as brutal on-screen as that film does, but knowing what is happening off-screen and the fact that some of these things did actually happen, is what sets a film like this apart. Set in the late 50’s, the film is told through the eyes of young David (Daniel Manche), who befriends Meg (Blythe Auffarth) the new girl in the neighborhood who recently moved into the house next door to David. Meg and her younger sister Susan (Madeline Taylor), have been sent to live with their aunt Ruth (Blanche Baker) and her three sons after their parents died in an auto accident.   

Many of the neighborhood kids, along with David, are friends with Ruth’s three boys and often hang out at their house, smoking butts, and drinking beer provided by the clearly lax and very outspoken Ruth. Ruth is clearly not all there and seems to be plagued by metal issues, as well as having a strange bitterness that would seem to come from past relationships with men. She often spews out improper advice for the children about men and women, and things of a sexual nature. Being kind of old, past her prime, and very bitter, Ruth is not a big fan of the youthful and pretty new member of her household and out of jealousy, she begins to slowly attack Meg in different ways.

Things start off in a verbal manner, with Ruth calling Meg a slut and belittling her in front of the other teenage boys, as well as her younger sister. The abuse escalates quickly and soon Ruth starts going a little too far with things physically. She gets the very impressionable boys involved with the abuse, which gets worse and worse as each day passes. There is a pack like mentality with the younger boys as they join in and since no one is there to tell them it’s wrong, they begin to show incredibly sickening signs of sadistic instability. Meg is at times tied up by her wrists, hanging from the ceiling in the basement, as Ruth allows the boys to play games that eventually result in Meg being stripped down to nothing.

As degrading as that is, Ruth does not allow the very curious boys to touch Meg in a sexual way…at first, but as each day passes, Ruth lets the boys do more and more to this poor girl. I wont get into too much more about what happens to Meg, but she is physically and sexually abused beyond anything imaginable, and even though much of it is off screen, it's still tough to handle at times. I found myself very frustrated with every next step Ruth and the boys would take things, mostly because I couldn’t believe someone could do this, let alone without any of the kids saying they thought it was wrong. The only boy who was not down for all of this was David, who wanted to help Meg, but was afraid and very confused by the overpowering Ruth.

That was actually a little frustrating too, the fact that Meg’s only friend didn’t really tell anyone, when he had many opportunities to do so. My frustration also partially came from wanting to see the abuse stop, but there comes a point when you realize that it will not stop, until it’s too late. As I mentioned, The Girl Next Door is based on a true story, the story of Sylvia Likens. After watching the film, I looked it up and there are some differences to the character backgrounds with the parents dying, but the core of the abuse is there. Actually, the true story is almost worse than what happens in the film due to the fact that in real life, the parents of Meg and Susan were just scum bags that pawned off their children, as opposed to dying in a car wreck.   

As far as the film itself goes, it is decently made, but feels slightly like a made for TV movie in spots, but it was put out by STARZ!, so that explains that. It doesn’t take away from the films overall effect, however. Most of the acting is decent, with all of the boys being very good, as well as Blythe Auffarth as Meg, who comes off very likable and sweet, making it all the more difficult to witness what happens to her. Blanche Baker starts off a little sketchy at first, but gets better as the film goes along, plus, she has the right look and demeanor when it comes to playing such a sick woman. I was also happy to see the great William Atherton, who plays an adult David and sort of bookends the film as it is his memory that we are watching in the movie. And lastly, I will bring up the 50’s setting, which is one that I always find enjoyable and is something often seen in stories by Stephen King, who incidentally is a big fan of the film, even comparing it to a twisted version of Stand By Me. Twisted indeed. 

While I consider Martyrs a masterpiece of the modern horror genre, I certainly do not think it’s for everyone, I would say the same for The Girl Next Door. However, even with it’s many flaws and difficult situations, I think it is an important film to watch, just due to the fact that it is based off such a harrowing story. It is one that should be told, just out of respect for what happened in real life to a poor innocent girl. This is a film and story that shows what can go on at any time, at any place, and by the hands of anyone one around us, and to be reminded of this fact, is truly frightening and saddening.

The Horror Hangover

Another Sunday, another hangover, but unfortunately for me I have to work this afternoon. Boy am I jealous that some of you get to fight off the pain you're feeling, by sleeping in and watching some commercial filled, edited for TV, movies! YAY-UH! This afternoon is a great day for televised cinema, as well as an interesting one with how it starts, in contrast to how it all ends.

Things start with a plop over at AMC with Escape from L.A. (1996) at 11:00. This was just on a recent Hangover and I enjoy it for what it is, but it's not one that everyone likes. I don't blame them, I felt the same way for a long time. But it's on, so watch if you so desire.

Moving in a slightly better direction, TBS gives you the gift of choice with Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), which is also on at 11:00. This is another film that came up recently, but I'll quickly share my thoughts again. I enjoy the RE series for what it is, mindless action and horror that meld together for a fun time spent with Mila Jovovich. Nothing else. Apocalypse is my least favorite of the trilogy, with my favorite being, Resident Evil: Extinction (2007), which just so happens to be on TBS at 1:00, right after Apocalypse.  How's that for set up! RE Extinction is so close to being awesome, that it is awesome!

Next up, WGN is showing Wes Craven Presents: They (2002) at 2:00. I have never had even the slightest of interest in They, Wes Craven's name all over it or not. However, it is directed by Rob Harmon, the same director that brought us 1986's The Hitcher, so that gives the film a little more credibility. I also kind of dig this trailer too, but I am still only slightly more interested than not at all.  

Speaking of never been interested, TBS keeps 'em coming with The Chronicles of Riddick (2004) at 3:00. I loved Pitch Black and even loved the Riddick video game, but I have not heard too many positive things about this one, and I also thought it looked awful. Maybe I'm wrong, but maybe I'm not?!     

Things go boo-yah over at Sundance Channel with Shotgun Stories (2008) at 4:00. This is one I have not, but have really wanted to see since The Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema covered it way back. You'll get the gist of the film from the trailer, and it is a great trailer for what looks to be a great movie. Sundance will certainly due it justice, so I'll have to go with Shotgun Stories as my pick of the week! 

Second place pick of the week would have to go to IFC's showing of Right at Your Door (2007) at 4:45. Very low-key and almost as low budget, this is a movie that would fall under the genre of the Apocalypse! Set almost entirely in one home and over the course of a day or two, Right at Your Door is a solid post-911 character study about the many levels of fear and paranoia that could be faced at anytime due to attack. Great movie that uses imagination and Wellsian tactics very well, and anyone that is a fan of Pontypool, should definitely give this one a try.

That's all the guidance I can give you for this week, love. See ya next time!

Polishing a Turd

As you may have already noticed, I changed the look of the blog and quite drastically I must say. I have been wanting to do something different for a long time now (the brown blog never really worked, now did it?), so I took advantage of the new blogger design stuff to do so. I would love to hear feedback, if it looks fucking stupid, awesome, or is it difficult to read…blah, blah. I did try and go with a background as epic and powerful as the one who carries the beard, so I think I made a solid choice. BUT, if it is too distracting, please, let me know.

[REC]ording Projects in London

If you haven't already heard, Magnet Releasing just recently announced that it's picked up the US rights to [REC] 2. This is great news for [REC] 2 to be making its way stateside already. The first [REC] took a ridiculously long time to be released, though, that had a whole lot to do with the lesser remake/spoiler-alert box-art/trailer. I ended up getting a foreign copy at a convention, so fuck 'em. Anyways, I loved [REC], and outside of Let the Right One In, it was my favorite movie of that year and the sequel looks fantastic from what I have seen in the trailers. In addition, having Balagueró and Plaza back is a great sign, plus, having the sequel pick up right where the last one left off gets me excited to see where the story will go.

Magnet is looking to release [REC] 2 sometime early July, which will consist of a limited theatrical release through Magnolia/Magnet’s Ultra VOD program, as well as debuting a month prior on VOD platforms nationwide. Therefore, in only a few months, we should all be able to gain access to this one in one way or another. However, I am jealous that there will be no chance in hell that it's getting into any theaters near me. *Hmmf*

 

Something else I was pointed to today is this weird little movie called Project London coming from Spiral Productions. It's described by it's describers as a no budget special effects extravaganza, with no interjection from Hollywood. Project London is directed by Ian Hurbert and is an independently produced and distributed feature length, sci-fi, action-adventure film. Shot in HD digital video, Project London is claimed to showcase incredible digital effects work, all wrapped around a powerful story of a boy and his decision that can save Earth.

Here, watch the trailer and we'll talk more afterwards…

 

What'd you think? I mean, it is very low budget, but I am curious as to just how low that budget is. The effects do look pretty cool and the film has an interesting style, if it is indeed as micro-budget as claimed. It's tough to tell if it looks any good or not with no dialogue or character interaction, plus, that song is not too pretty for me ears. From my knowledge, the film is not yet finished, and they are still working on sound design, so that kind of explains that. In addition, the idea behind Project London is that people can follow its progress on the film's website, which is meant to be exciting for film fans, as well as software engineers and post-production artists. That is almost a red flag and makes me think that this all could be an excuse to say, "Hey, look what I can do with my computer!" Still, my interest is piqued and I will monitor this one for further developments. I mean, look at what happened with the amazing Ink…though, I would be very surprised if that level could be achieved again anytime soon, but one can hope. Check out the website by clicking right here if you would like more info about the project.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Renegade Edition!

Taking a slightly different approach with this edition of Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party, I thought it would be cool to introduce you to the man behind this week's tight tune. This is a cat that truly walks the walk, a dude that garners respect, but does so with a positive attitude and all while wearing black leather boots, paired up with a matching black leather trench. Get ready to pop that collar kids, 'cause it's time to meet, the one, the only, CHILLY-D!

 

Nothing quite says hip-hop like the Renegade Snake Eater, Lorenzo Lamas. His moves and style out on the street are very impressive, but little boot maneuvers and random references to European fashion are nothing compared to what The Lamas is able to do when he's on stage. So, without any further ado, I present Chilly-D performing, Do You Know Who I Am!   

 

Written and performed by the husband and wife musical super duo, Nick Ashford and Valerie Simpson (as Ashford & Simpson), Do You Know Who I Am is taken from 1984's Body Rock. Directed by Marcelo Epstein, Body Rock is yet another entry into the Hip-Hopsploitation genre and is filled with break dancing, graffiti, and of course, rap skillz. Much of this magic was provided, or was made to appear provided, by the great Lorenzo Lamas, which should really tell you everything you need to know. This would mark the first time that a movie featured on Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party is one that I have not actually seen, but I couldn't sit on these clips any longer then I already have…they are pure gold. The skeleton dance scene is magnificent with its glow-in-the-dark neon colors and slow-mo Nunchaku moves thanks to Chilly-D. However, it does get me a little teary eyed as I wonder whatever happened to dj Skele-tone.

Totally Tubular Trailers!

I have a great mixture of trailers that have recently caught my eye, so take a look and enjoy! But don't enjoy too much – we wouldn't want a sticky keyboard, now would we? 

First trailer I got for your purdy eyes is for SES (or Voice), a Turkish film directed by Ümit Ünal and written by film-critic and novelist Uygar Şirin. SES is about a woman that begins to hear strange voices, voices that tell her things that no one else would know. Some believe she is receiving these messages from a greater being, but these voices become more threatening and intense as each day passes. No English, but even still, you will see what looks to be a very promising film that is shot very well and filled with some seriously intense sound design.

 

The Good, the Bad, the Weird was originally released in July of 2008 in South Korea, but it's taken until now to FINALLY get a release over here in the states. This film actually took the number five spot on my top 13 of 2009, though, this U.S. release date makes it a 2010 under my release date rules. But, this one took too damned long to be released, so I took liberties. Directed by one of cinema's finest directors, Kim Ji-woon, The Good, the Bad, the Weird stars two of my favorite actors with Lee Byung-hun and Song Kang-ho. This trailer is made specifically for the U.S. limited release, which will be on April 23rd from IFC. So, if any of you get the opportunity, do not miss out on this highly entertaining action romp.

 

Being billed as a return to greatness, the Richard Berry directed 22 Bullets (L 'Immortel) stars  Jean Reno as retired mobster - turned family man, Charly Matteï, who is shot 22 times and left for dead. Only problem is, he isn't and Charly makes it a point to take a little vengeance on those that dare to try and take his life. 22 Bullets is produced by Luc Besson, so of course the first thing everyone thinks is this is Besson and Reno's return to what was done with the fantastic hitman-with-a-heart film, The Professional. Well, Besson is the producer, not the director here, so that is a little unfair to 22 Bullets' helmer, Richard Berry. The film does look quite impressive and very beautiful, so he should be mentioned before the producer, whether or not it's Luc Besson. No speaka no English once again, but trust me, this movie looks just fine without it.  

 

For the final trailer this evening, I have something that you may or may not have already seen. If not, then I'm very happy to be able to share it with you. This is one we all know about, so no need to go into background info or plot – it's the trailer for Predators! I must say, it looks quite promising and the cast is fantastic (Shane Vendrell!). However, Danny Trejo mispronouncing oriented is a little distracting (unless Trejo is British? Probably not), but it's Trejo, so he can say whatever the hell he wants.

That's it lovely's, until next time!

Even More Baby Babble: Vengeance continues to reign, getting my horror special edition and tee shirt all wet!

I have so much random shit to talk about that I couldn't even try and cram it in that last post, so here I go again. On my own. First up, I'll get right back into the topic of revenge films! As I was compiling my Top Five Female Revenge Movies list, I couldn't help but have a shit ton of revenge films cross my mind. With that, came the sudden memory that the Vengeance Trilogy super box set was due out any day now. Within an hour of that thought, I happened to drop by Freddy in Space only to see that Johnny had just received his copy in the mail, meaning that it was indeed out on standard DVD. I immediately made a mess in my pants and with my still unspent $50 Amazon birthday gift card, I went and bought it straight away! It's $44.99 new through Amazon, but being the smarty pants that I am, I bought a new copy used, and even with shipping, I only spent about $36 bucks! YEAAHHA! That leaves me with more gift card cash to buy even more stuff! Anyways, I got the set in the mail today and while it isn't the most eye catching, it's loaded more than a baked potato with cheese and bacon – which is what really matters. I cannot wait to dig into all of the extras, especially the Fade to White version of Lady Vengeance.

Something else I received in the mail s0mewhat recently, is the SFX Magazine Horror Special Edition. I actually do not have any place near me that sells either Fangoria, or Rue Morgue, so outside of Paracinema, I have not read a genre magazine in about six months. I would subscribe, but that shit is too expensive and to be honest those magazines can be pretty hit or miss. So it was very nice getting my hands on this Horror Special Edition from SFX Magazine, which is a UK based mag that normally deals in Sci-Fi cinema. The special is very well put together and has a solid and easy to read layout. It's also quite girthy, which is never a bad thing. I'm talking about the magazine, you pig! As for content, it's filled to the bloody brim with a mixture of news articles, retrospectives, interviews, and all sorts of other goodies. It came out at the end of January, so some of the news is dated, but there is plenty of great stuff to be read. You should still be able to pick up a copy at any one of the bigger book stores like Borders or Barnes & Noble, or you can order it online as a back issue. If you are interested, you can click here for more info on the magazine and some of the various articles found within.

A little while back, Chuck from Zombies Don't Run, asked if I would write a little something for one of the movies on his reader-voted Top 10 Horror Movies of the 90's. I got to write about 1992's, Peter Jackson splatter-piece, Dead-Alive! I actually wrote quite a bit about it and my first not-so-good encounter with the film. Stop by Zombies Don't Run to see what I wrote about Dead-Alive, it's placement on the list, as well as what other films made that list. There are a bunch of other guest bloggers that wrote for some of the other movies that made the cut, so check out who wrote what, about what? Huh?! 

Finally, I have one more thing to share before I stop typing your eyes out. The good folks behind Paracinema Magazine, have just began an amazing adventure into the world of cinema related tee shirts! It's called Paratees and the tag-line of this hot new thang is "Cinema Obsession Put to Cloth," and they aspire to put inspirational genre art on quality tee shirts. Their first shirt design is available and it's inspired by the Walter Hill classic, The Warriors! The shirt is titled "For All You Boppers Out There" with the artwork done by RAZ. So please, take a second to stop by the new site and take a look around from time to time - I'll be sure to keep you all updated when new shirt designs become available.

Alright, that's it for me…I've gone on more than long enough now. You're free to go, but please come back!

Baby Babble: VENGEANCE IS MINE!!! Well, not all mine

Good friend and O.G. Baby Eater, Aaron from The Death Rattle recently called for participants to get in on top five lists that he's doing every week over at his blog. It's simple enough, one subject, five films, all to span over a week's time. This is a fantastic idea and it takes a lot of dedication, so I have to give Aaron mad props for doing something that must be a bit time consuming. Some of the great subjects already covered are top five Carpenter films, five most overrated horror films, and the subject that I am breaching with Aaron this week, which is Top Five Female Revenge Movies. Aaron gives the choice of subject matter to the guest blogger, so Female Revenge was my pick for our double-dope list. I am a huge fan of revenge cinema and outside of films concerning the Apocalypse, it's my favorite genre and I'm thrilled that I got to work on this very difficult to form list. It was also quite the honor to work on something with a fine-ass bitch like Aaron, who is one of the most prolific and hardworking bloggers out there, as well as someone whose writing I've been following for some time now. Our number five choices were posted today, and it will end with our number one picks this coming Friday. So, make sure to check out what films we chose and please feel free to weigh in with your thoughts on our choices as well as sharing some of your own.  Click da link!

The Horror Hangover

Wipe that crust from your eyes kiddo, it's time to wake up! You don't have to get out of bed or anything silly like that, I just want to make sure that you don't miss out on any of the great cinema that cable has to offer today. And it's a pretty solid day of movies, I might add, so lets not delay the magic any longer!

Things start off with a bang (or not) at 11:00, when Heatstroke (2008) is on SyFy. This one was on a previous Hangover and there wasn't a trailer to post, so instead, I put up this picture.

I thought that since I put up that amazing photo last time, I should up the stakes the second time around. So, I found this clip to further whet your appetite for the what-the–fuck fest that is Heatstroke.

 

At 12:00, TBS wants you to look to the cookie, with Romeo Must Die (2000). I remember seeing Romeo Must Die in theaters and loving it, but the second time around, not so much. Actually, I think I almost hated it the second time around, so I guess the jury is still out on this one for me. Watching this trailer, however, makes me think it looks at least decent, so who knows. Your opinion is always valued, dear reader, so feel free to weigh in.

 

SyFy wants you to get your ass to Mars with Total Recall (1990) at 1:00. I mean, it's Total Recall, a movie that is nothing short of awesome and is easily my pick of the week. Love Schwarzenegger, love Verhoeven, love Ironside, love three titties, and I love Total Recall! I should mention, if you have never listened to the commentary track with Arnold and Verhoeven for this film, you need to do so as soon as possible. Pure gold. 

 

Up next, I have back-to-back sequels that I honestly forgot even existed. The films are Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes (1989), which is on at 1:00 and is followed by Amityville 1992: It's About Time (1992) at 3:00. Both films are playing on the one channel best known for horror, the TV Guide Channel, which I believe is a first for the Horror Hangover. After seeing these trailers, I cannot help but think that I must see both of these films as soon as possible. I may have seen 1992, but I cannot remember for sure. Either way, these both look to make for a double dose of spooky awesomeness this afternoon.

 

 

SyFy keeps the afternoon straight krunk at 3:30 with one of the great all time sequels, Aliens (1986). What can I say about Aliens outside of saying it's Aliens?! Watch it, unless you have something better to do, like watch Amityville 1992: It's About Time. Not that that's time better spent, but it can't be terrible time spent either. I mean, it is about time.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Helltrack Edition!

Last week's dance party was a bit of a downer, so I thought it would be bad 2 the bone if I dropped some serious funk for this RADical edition of Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! If you spent your time in the mid 80's doing bunny hops and endos, then tonight's clip should be all too familiar. So, why don't you go and grab your Pro Performer, or your Mongoose, and get ready to take a spin on the dance floor with Send Me An Angel!

Written by David Sterry and Richard Zatorski, Send Me An Angel made it's first appearance on the 1983 album Heartland, by Aussie New Wave band, Real Life. However, this classic track made it's way into young American hearts by way of the 1986 BMX film, RAD. Directed by stuntman extraordinaire, Hal Needham, RAD truly is "rad" and was one of my favorite movies as a kid. And how could it not be with this flashier than Flashdance dance scene, to a song as great as Send Me An Angel?!

It's so lame that this STILL isn't out on DVD as there's a lot of greatness to take from this clip, even outside of the angelic BMX moves. There's a wannabe Zabka, a "cru" of V rejects, a drunk old dude, a not so old dude that just doesn't know, and of course, this awesome song is the cherry picker on top. Also, It's quite clear that Lori Loughlin has always been attracted to the boys of bad, as she later went on to famously date (and later marry) Uncle Jesse from the band, Jesse and the Rippers, after a vicious breakup with Cru Jones. I think it's the negative press from that breakup that has kept RAD from being released on DVD, unfortunately, but hopefully that will some day change. Either way, at least there's You Tube and clips like this one (and fourth generation bootlegs), to hold us over until that moment.

On a side note, I should mention that there is a petition to have RAD released on DVD and if you so choose to sign said petition, then click on this link to do so. That is, if you want to be RAD!

Laid to Waste - Lame to Rest - Laid to Rust - Laid to Crust…Any one of them works just fine.

I love me a Slasher film. It’s a genre that I grew up with, and many of the horror icons I love most are of the Slasher genre. Between Paracinema…The Blog and CNAMB, I have reviewed a decent number of Slasher films, or at least films that contained Slasher elements. Admittedly, I have a bit of a low standard when it comes to the genre, and at times I can be very forgiving because of it (as I think most of us are). I mean, I actually enjoyed the Friday the 13th remake, so that should tell you something right there (that I have terrible taste? Probably).

Slasher films have had a sort of resurgence over the past few years, mostly due to remakes of classic and not so classic Slasher movies. There have been a few original films, and even the magic isn’t near what it was in the roaring '80s, it’s nice to see the genre come back around for a new generation of horror fans. As with the Slasher films that were great in the 1980s, there are going to be a lot of shitty ones to come out and make you think this is a genre that would be best left in the past.

2009’s Laid to Rest is a Slasher film that isn’t a super stereotypical Slasher in a lot of ways, but in many ways, it fits the mold perfectly. As a bad Slasher movie. The story is as poor as it is pointless, starting with a woman simply known as "The Girl" (Bobbi Sue Luther) who wakes up to find herself in a coffin. Oh the horror. She escapes her trappings using the momentum of her huge boobies to knock the coffin off its…coffin holder…thing, or something, and she realizes that she’s inside a funeral home.

The Girl has no clue as to how she got there, nor does she have any memory of who she is (thus, The Girl…how cute). Almost immediately, The Girl runs into Chromeskull (Nick Principe), a killer who wears all black attire, a bald head and a Chromeskull mask!! After witnessing him murder the funeral home director, The Girl escapes Chromeskull’s clutches and takes off for safety, at which point she runs into Tucker (Kevin Gage) as he is driving by on an isolated country road.


Tucker picks The Girl up and brings her back home where he is forced to convince his skeptical wife to let her stay for the night (but honey, did you see her bewbs?). Big mistake…’cause ChromeFace is coming! I don’t want to go down spoiler road, but after a visit from NumSkull, Tucker and The Girl find themselves in the tough situation of trying to survive the killer’s advances, while making their way to safety in the very rural setting. Laid to Rest has an abysmal opening and the first 8-10 minutes before the film’s title shows up are just plain bad. No tension, terrible camera techniques, shitty acting, and there was no real payoff from an opening that would seem to be trying to give you one. It’s definitely one of those moments where the filmmakers really thought they delivered a badass start, but instead, they forgot to add the ass to bad. Or vice versa.

It's a terrible way to start a movie, and it doesn’t get much better from there as Laid to Rest had me shaking my head in disbelief every 10 minutes. At least. Written and directed by Robert Hall, Laid to Rest is a technical mess for a good chunk of its run-time, filled with horrible, unnatural edits that lack any sort of flow. There are these awful, almost eXtreme, character close-ups that are quite jarring when the camera goes from one character to the next (during conversation!). There is an attempt to splash on some style, but instead it looks as if they were splashing on diarrhea. Laid to Rest is grossly clumsy, poorly done, completely unoriginal, and it simply looks mad ugly.

Writing wise, the film gets even worse with lame-o characters that make ca-razy bad decisions to the point of absurdity. Time after time, The Girl and Tucker are given the chance to just take off and go somewhere safe. WHERE THERE ARE POLICE. Instead, they dilly dally and do anything but try and get away from the threat at hand. So irritating. Then there’s the character of The Girl, who is supposed to be an amnesiac, but for whatever reason this makes it so she speaks like a complete moron. She is constantly yapping about how she woke up in the box, or the dead box, instead of just calling it a coffin. Then when she talks about ChromeDome, she says stupid shit like "he wants me to be dead," as opposed to "he wants to kill me." It's just nonsensical, and Bobbi Sue Luther delivers the lines horrendously while making the most idiotic faces I have ever seen. She is plain horrific and a terrible excuse for a Final Girl.

As for the killer himself, Chromeskull is pretty lackluster to say the least. He has an okay look with his chrome mask, but he isn’t all that intimidating. He's supposed to be this technically savvy murderer, meaning he uses text messaging a few times and video tapes all of his murders. Though, how tech savvy can one be when using mini tapes instead of a memory card? In what I would call the style cramp of the decade, he actually places the video camera on his shoulder, which I can imagine would be impractical, along with being cumbersome, on top of looking lame. The video camera does play a part in the film’s story and it is a major piece that reveals The Girl’s past. However, the reveal is not engaging, which is fitting since neither is The Girl, so by time the reveal happens, I just didn’t give a shit.

CumSkull is realistic in the sense that he gets hurt like a human would, so he is not supernatural or super human, which is something that I can get behind. Although, it seems like it would be really easy to just kick his ass if the protagonist’s were to double team and attack him with a few basic weapons. However, ChromeSkin does bring about one of the only positive things about Laid to Rest, which are some of the kills that are showcased in the film. There are a handful of awesome murders via ChromeScrub that looked like they were done practically for the most part and they are very convincing. A few other positives are the ambiguity of the killer, who is thankfully not given some cheap back-story. There is no explanation as to why he is doing this and even the story itself starts out in a way that isn’t telling you why this is happening. I like when a film does that, when it doesn’t forced feed you a reason just to do so…it’s just GO! right out the gate.


Outside of Bobbi Sue "Dead box" Luther’s miserable performance, there are actually a few good performances, namely from from Kevin “Chaos!” Gage as Tucker. Sean Whalen, who joins up with the two main characters at the film’s midpoint, is pretty solid and much less annoying than his character on Lost (!). There’s also a few notable appearances by genre vets like Richard Lynch and Johnathon “cum slurp” Schaech. Still, even those few positives are not enough to pull this turd out of the bowl. But in the end, I don’t regret seeing it and while I didn’t like Laid to Rest, I didn’t hate it either. Would I watch it again? Probably not unless it was on cable and I couldn’t reach the remote. It's a movie I can see some people enjoying, and any fan of Slasher films should certainly give it a try for completest reasons. The kills that rocked are almost enough to suggest a viewing, but Laid to Rest is essentially a pile of shit with a Chrome surface.

Sherlock Holmes vs. Jack the Ripper

I was recently informed about the upcoming XBOX 360 release for the game Sherlock Holmes vs. Jack the Ripper and the promotion that is going along with it. I thought this might be something that some of you may be interested in, but even before deciding that I would post this, I looked up the game to see if it was worth telling you all about. Sherlock Holmes vs. Jack the Ripper is a PC port of a game from The Adventure Company, a developer that specializes in mystery and horror games. Seeing as this is a PC port, I looked up to see the kind of reviews it got on PC and they were solid with an average of 7.5 from reviewers and an 8.5 from users.

Sherlock Holmes vs. Jack the Ripper is set to be released on 4/20/2010, but pre-orders are available and that is where the deal comes in. The game is reasonably priced at $39.99 and if you pre-order the game, you will receive a bonus of The Mystery Five Collection, which consists of five horror/mystery PC games including: Sherlock Holmes: The Silver Earring - Sherlock Holmes: Awakened - Sherlock Holmes: Nemesis - The Mystery of the Mummy - and Dracula Origins. Also included in the pre-order deal is the Agatha Double Murder Mystery Pack.

I did get my hands on what I believe to be an exclusive trailer for the 360 release, so check it out to see if it tickles your turkey burger or not. 

 

I wouldn't say it looks to be setting the world ablaze with it's graphical prowess, but it is a port and the graphics are more than serviceable for the type of game this is.  It's all about the atmosphere, the mystery and puzzle solving, as well as the idea of having two legends face each other in a battle of wits.

Below I have provided the Sherlock Holmes vs. Jack the Ripper synopsis, as well as some of the games features. If you are down for a whole lot of mystery, for a small amount of cash, then head over and pre-order. The pre-order deal is going on for the remainder of March, so if interested, you have some time to spare, but don't spare too much now!  

PREMISE

A horrible series of murders are uncovered in the eastern district of London and the police have no serious leads. Take on the role of master sleuth Sherlock Holmes as you venture into the dark, grim streets of London searching for the macabre trail of… Jack the Ripper. During this terrifying adventure, Sherlock will attempt to shed some light on the mystery that shrouds the identity and motive of the infamous killer.

FEATURES

• From the award-winning developers of Sherlock Holmes: The Awakened
• Scour eerie environments and interrogate mysterious suspects
• Search carefully for clues in first-person, or zoom-out to third-person and observe the incredible surroundings
• An original system that allows you to piece together individual crimes and test your hypothesis as the investigation unfolds

Where Are the Wild Things Exactly? At Paracinema of Course!

Seeing as I recently had a birthday, I thought I would share some of the fine gifts that I received ('cause I know you've been wondering!), which also tie into the review I have up at Paracinema for Where the Wild Things Are. First, I got an Amazon gift card worth $50, which equals $50 worth of DVD's, which equals a lot if I shop S-Mart style.

The rest of the gifts are from my magical girlfriend - ed

Next, I got me this flashy new Boston Barstool Sports Leprechaun t-shirt just in time to celebrate St. Patrick's day. If you aren't already aware, this shirt celebrates what is the finest YouTube video known to man, woman, and animal. 

 

Here is the replacement Fenway Park shirt that I got. As you can see, the old one was getting, well, pretty old, so a new one was more than welcome. I still wore it anyways, which drove my girlfriend nuts as the pits are stained worse than a 2-month-old's diaper. Plus, there are some epic holes in them there armpits, which was great for putting deodorant on while wearing the shirt. 

Next up are the new badass sneakers I got - I love getting me some hot new kicks. I can never have  enough as I go through them fast with all the ass I kick on the dance floor.

And finally, I did get a couple of DVD's, one of which was Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever, which as many of you may know, didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. The second DVD (and final gift) I got was for Where the Wild Things Are, which is the movie that I reviewed over at Paracinema…The Blog. So, if you are curious as to my thoughts of the movie, then head over and check out my review. Hope you enjoyed this fascinating look into a part on my life that could only have bored you to tears.    

Click me to read the review of Where the Wild Things Are!

 

The Horror Hangover

There are very few things that are worse than waking up with a screaming hangover. What IS worse than waking up with a screaming hangover, is when you wake up with a screaming hangover after losing an hour of sleep last night. Just the idea of being bombed at 2:00 in the morning, only to realize it's actually 3:00, is just plain awful. Hopefully your pain is minimal, as well as the possible venereal diseases you may have picked up last night. If it's any consolation, there are movies to be had this afternoon, so lets get this party started!

Starting bright and early at 9:30, The Skulls (2000) is playing on AMC. It's a movie - with some people - who wear some clothes and say some words. Watch it if you want. Or don't and go back to sleep…

 

…so you can wake up and watch Blade (1998) at 10:30 on FX. I love me some Blade (well, the first two) and when folks say that vampires are bitch asses now because of Twilight, least they forget that it hasn't been all that long since the Blade films. Solid action, some pretty badass vampires, and the opening bloodbath are all reasons worth giving Blade a view this afternoon.

 

Up next at 11:30, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2008) is on SyFy. I thought this one was pretty decent, and I actually wrote a review of it over at Paracinema some time back. Far from perfect, Jack Brooks has a pretty slow first half and a slightly obnoxious character played by the dude that played Freddy Krueger, but the film makes up for it with an exciting final act filled with a copious amount of old-school practical effects and puppetry.     

 

Keeping with a similar tone, SyFy follows up Jack Brooks with My Name is Bruce (2007) at 1:30. I liked it enough, I guess. As a fan of Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi, I loved it. If you aren't a HUGE fan of The Evil Dead films and Campbell, then there isn't much to enjoy about this incredibly lame movie. It's filled with a ton of funny horror fan in-jokes that only fans of the Dead movies and Campbell would get, so outsiders, tread lightly.   

 

And now continuing with the respectable vampires of recent years, Underworld: Evolution (2006) is on FX at 3:30. The Underworld films are okay, but my issue with them has mostly been the poor depiction of werewolves, especially how they are brought to life. At least the vampires are pretty decent, and more importantly, wicked hot. An Underworld film is not the worst way to spend a day on the sofa.

 

SyFy once again keeps it movin'  at 3:30 when, The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) brings about a great way to end the Hangover. Do I really need to say anything about this one? It's a masterpiece of cinema and everything that is wonderful about the art of film. There, how's that? Works for me. 

That about does it for this edition of The Horror Hangover. Unfortunately, I just lost a damned hour of sleep, but it was all worth it to bring you a slate of televised cinema that would be worthy of a person that isn't even hungover.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Jimmy Dean Edition!

Out of all the deaths that have happened in the last year or so, Corey Haim's has been the one that is the toughest for me. All deaths are awful, but the better of the two Corey's was the coolest cat on the planet to me when I was a kid and him being pretty close to my age, makes it all the more troubling.  Haim was someone that I idolized as a youngster and I wanted to be just like him. I remember all too well wanting to have the same cool hair that he had in Fast Getaway, but thanks to my wavy past two inches hair, I couldn't (don't judge me). Corey Haim was my first favorite actor (that I remember…before that, it was probably Kermit), and with some of the movies that are on his resume, that shouldn't be a surprise.

He was a major part of my childhood and a handful of his films were and still, are some of my favorites. Silver Bullet, License to Drive, The Lost Boys, Lucas, Dream a Little Dream, and yes, Fast Getaway are movies that I loved growing up. So, when it came to the choice for a song tonight, it was tough because I would rather it be something more lighthearted, as opposed to all Cry Little Sister and shit. Unfortunately, Haim didn't go through the same corny M.J. phase that Feldman went through (though he did have an album!), so I have to settle for Rock On from 1989's Dream a Little Dream.

 

Originally recorded and released in 1973 by David Essex, Rock On went on to be covered in 1989 by some lame soap actor, Michael Damian. His version appeared on the album, Where Do We Go From Here, but is better known for being the battle cry song in (also recently deceased) Marc Rocco's, Dream a Little Dream. I actually never really liked this song and really still don't. Jimmy Dean? Really?! I should've just done Cry Little Sister. RIP Corey Haim…I look forward to seeing you in Crank 2 someday.

365 Days Later

Even though my actual date of physical birth was only a few days ago, today marks yet another birthday for me and that would be I have been blogging for exactly one year to this very day. The very first post, review, or anything of that nature that I ever did, came on March 11th of 2009 over at Paracinema…The Blog. I remember being pretty darned nervous in my early days posting reviews and other such nonsense at Paracinema, but over time, that changed as well as my comfortability writing.

Since my very first post, things have changed so much and I have met many great people through Paracinema and here, at CNAMB. I feel blessed that several awesome people even bother to read my shit and so many leave such great comments and kind words. I write for a lot of reasons, but one of the most rewarding is to get a positive comment about something I wrote, or an email, or DM on twitter from someone saying that they love CNAMB. It really brings joy to my naughty parts, so thank you to everyone that reads this, or any post I ever write.

Now that I'm done being a pussy, I shall share with you my very first ever blog post by reposting it right here, completely unedited. It's a review of The Glove, and to say this review is rough around the edges is putting it lightly. While I might not be the best writer on the block, I sure as hell have gotten better at least! Enough of my words already, read my yucky review of, The Glove (!)!

No Glove. No Love

So in searching for something interesting to watch late one lonely and most likely semi nude night, I stumbled upon the 1979 masterwork, "The Glove." Paired up with "Search and Destroy" on the Dark Sky Films' "Drive in Double Feature" release. The Glove stars one John "Fuck Yeah!" Saxon, and Roosevelt "Rosey" Grier. With a tag line as powerful as "Wanted: Dead NOT Alive" and an opening credit sequence consisting of some of the finest music (Performed by the Glove himself Roosevelt Grier) and animation this side of the brown bowl, you might think you’re in for a serious treat. You are for the most part, as this is the perfect party movie to watch with some drunken friends. (Or semi nude and all alone.)

This Ross Hagen directed story is simple enough, Sexy Saxon plays Sam Kellog, a bounty hunter with a vicious tan who is paid 20 g’s to track down and detain Victor Hale (Grier) AKA The Glove! (I don’t think that’s what he really goes by…but I like to think so) The Glove(!) has been on a rampage of epic proportions, taking revenge on the prison guards that wrongly lumped him up while serving his jail sentence. The Glove's(!) weapon of choice is of course the same weapon the guards used on him…a glove. Though this is no ordinary glove. This is the kind of glove that demands respect. The kind of glove that is made up of "Bad ass" and "oh shit!" Why he doesn't have two gloves I’ll never know. I guess this one glove is more than enough when it comes to taking care of business.

As mentioned earlier the movie starts off strong with an awesome title sequence and quickly moves into one of the most ridiculous, yet fun scenes in this entertaining, but semi boring film. When you see The Glove(!) gearing up John Rambo style, you know someone's catching a beat down. The best is when he slides the glove on, and slowly closes his hand into a fist, only to quickly reopen his hand showing that this is not a glove made for winter. Decked out in what appears to be an MLB catcher's gear and a motorcycle helmet (all in black of course) that he needs to keep him safe from injury, as he travels by a…uh…car. The Glove(!) rolls up on his first victim to find him banging some girl he shouldn't be in the backseat of a car. Well these two dirty birds are in for a rude awakening when The Glove(!) tears apart the car with his super powered glove of death and makes mince meat out of its inhabitants. After this great beginning, the movie has little to no action at all. I spent a lot of time waiting to see some gloved action again. It’s not a terrible movie though, Saxon is very solid and carries the film for the most part. And he is involved in what is a strange yet entertaining scene involving a male homosexual couple that needs to be seen to be believed.

Another aspect I do like about this film is it’s the type of movie that the protagonists and antagonists are not all that clear. While somewhat silly, you see a light side of the Grier character that shows he’s not just some mindless prick out to kill for revenge, but actually has a heart too. Aww how sweet.

The ending is kind of entertaining, as we get a show down between Saxon and The Glove(!) where the tables are turned, and Sax gets a chance to do some damage with the glove against the…uh…glove(!) and you think its ass kickin time, right?! Well even the all mighty water resistant Glove cant help a 160 pound Saxon against a 250 pound ex NFL defensive tackle. Or does it? I’ll leave it up to you to find out for yourself.

If any of this sounds like your cup of Joe and you have been yearning for a good Halloween costume idea, then I would have to recommend giving The Glove(!) a whirl.

70 Years of Bearded Excellence and Counting…

Happy 70th birthday to the great Chuck Norris from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby!

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever

Word on the street has been surprisingly positive for this sequel to Eli Roth's highly misunderstood 2002 film debut. Considering its storied and well-known traumatic history, and the fact that it was a DTV sequel is something that doesn't bode well for any horror movie, but I started to actually want to give this sequel a shot and check it out for myself. Now, I'm not one to let my expectations get the best of me, so I know that is not the problem here, but what anyone sees in this movie is well beyond me.

Picking up almost immediately after the events in the first Cabin Fever, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever never actually picks up anywhere. Instead, you are just plopped into the lives of impossibly stereotypical characters, living mundane and even more typical lives. I mean, the main character is a super smart (but not ugly, of course) nerd, who has been in love with his female best friend since they were kids. Only problem is, she is dating the resident dick face, and is blind to the love that said smart and compassionate best friend has for her. Crazy, right?! Now get this, the resident dick face hates the sweet and well-meaning nerd and kicks his ass warning him to stay the fuck away from his girl, but that doesn't stop nerd boy, oh no siree.

Is any of this starting to sound familiar at all? It should, it's the plot to 209,635 other movies, many of which are much better than Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.

It's so cliché and pointless, in fact, this film is the definition of pointless as even the weak and simple plot has no sort of direction whatsoever. Nothing fits right, scenes are so random, aimless, and serve no purpose at all. For example, there is a scene with two "random" characters, one is a cool guy jock, and the other is a loser obese girl. For whatever reason (as in there isn't one), they have a sex scene in a pool and it would seem the only point of this scene is for something gross to happen to them. What happens is she loses a few teeth, the guy overreacts, swims away and she drowns. That's all. No fucking point. Even serving as a catalyst for the gruesome events to come, the scene fails on all points, though, there is not point for it to fail on I guess.

One of the only cool things in Spring Fever was the return of Giuseppe Andrews, but even his character of Winston really has no objective in the film. However, his role in Cabin Fever was somewhat pointless, but it was at least fun, quirky, and worked within the type of film that Cabin Fever was. Here, it feels like it was just forced and shoehorned…trying to capture something that could only be captured once. Still, at least with Winston came the cameo of Mark Borchardt, who surprisingly was much better acting wise than much of the film's cast, all of whom were far from good. Actually, Noah Segan wasn't too bad when he wasn't yelling, but that's really it.

Spring Fever is not funny enough (or at all), it's not gross enough, but it tries so hard to be both of these things. All of the humor falls flat and even though there are a few very gross scenes, there is nothing to be moved by with this one. I was really expecting this movie to be disgusting, and granted there is some nasty shit, there was not really enough to impress me. Seeing as it takes place at a high school and during prom, one would expect a major prom blowout, but instead, all there was was a bunch of hose styled projectile puke blood, then dead. That's it. It should have been the big set piece to display some nasty stuff, but instead they displayed how not to make someone puke. Unless they were trying to be funny, that is. In that case, it wasn't funny at all.

The entire film feels very incomplete and scatterbrained and that carries into some of the technical pieces with its lack of flow and weak editing. Even worse is I do not think I have ever heard a film with worse sound editing than with Cabin Fever 2. There is a scene when two characters are walking down the street having a conversation, but you can barely make out what they're saying. Why? Because the song playing was WAY TOO LOUD, and even worse was the sound of wind flowing through the trees and leaves. I was flabbergasted by just how intrusive the sound of the leaves blowing was and I couldn't wait for the scene to end it was so awful and nerve wracking.

With that said, there area few things that are positive about Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever, but not many. I like the way the movie looks with some of the set design and how a few scenes are shot (especially the prom stuff). It definitely has a certain look that could be appealing if put together in a cohesive and competent way. Some of the make-up and gag FX are quite well done and look super impressive. Even though the film lacked in the gross department, there were a handful of awesome little moments, but the two standouts were the head bashing via fire extinguisher and band saw hand removal scene. Actually, the hand removal scene was going pretty damned well, until something so completely ridiculous happened just in time to ruin one of the few good moments in this otherwise shit piss of a film.

There was a golden opportunity to have a fun little body horror film with Cabin Fever 2 – there is the hint of something good buried somewhere in the film, but it's just so disjointed and sloppy. I hardly even tapped into the vastness of what's wrong with this movie (the ending?!! UGHH!), but I'm just tired of even thinking about it anymore. I just really disliked this one and as most of you know, it is a rare thing for me to hate a movie with as much passion as I hate Cabin Fever 2 right now. While so many sling shit at something like Book of Shadows, Spring Fever makes that film look like the fucking Empire Strikes Back. One things for sure, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever is the worst film I have seen in 2010 thus far, which is incredibly disappointing considering how many people have seemed to enjoy it.